All Kids Should Be Photoshopped So They Know How Ugly They Are

photoshop children

Sometimes your child who you love is just ugly as hell, and you just want to Photoshop some makeup onto that kid. Well praised be – an Omaha, Nebraska-based Etsy shop has just the solution for your ugly child, with offers to retouch his or her dull features so that he or she won’t continue to be so revolting.

Number8DesignStudio offers retouching on many portraits (including Facebook and Twitter profile pictures), but I find their “Pageant Glitz Retouching” package to be the most innovative.

Glitz editing includes enhancing eyes, adding make-up, spray on tan, smoothing skin, highlights in hair, whitening of teeth, etc.

You can even pick between varying levels of editing, such as glitz, semi glitz, or natural glitz. And for $15 per photo, it’d be a stupid financial decision not to pay to have this done. For $30, you can even spring for the Glitz PLUS package, which includes hair adding!

photoshop children 2

This is clearly aimed at the Pageant crowd, but I think all of us can take a hint from the pageant philosophy and start teaching our girls that they will be judged solely on their physical appearance for the rest of their lives, and they better start taking steps to improving their ugly mugs. Let’s make sure children find out as early as possible that they aren’t perfect, beautiful creatures, and we all just love them for their personalities. We would love them more if they were prettier.

photoshop children 3

I simply wish that Number8DesignStudio would push the envelope a bit more with their innovation, and offer to retouch delivery room photos. We shouldn’t be wasting any time letting young children develop any kind of positive body image when we all know that newborns look like a squashed alien invasion. If only we could honor newborns in photos with a more attractive light–that is to say fully defined eyelashes, a spray tan, and some highlights.

Finally, I can’t help but celebrate that it appears that a woman runs this Etsy shop, and I want to commend her for doing her part in our grand cultural narrative that tells women of all ages that they’re not good enough. Don’t say women never help out other women. Brava!

Photo: Etsy // via The Frisky

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      the “after” pictures are just freaking creepy.

      • Muggle

        They look more like dolls than actual human children…

      • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

        It totally goes into uncanny valley territory.

      • Muggle

        Especially the third one. The little girl is perfectly cute naturally, but the ‘shopped version is scary.

      • Sarah M. Smart

        I actually screamed when I saw that one.

    • TheGiantPeach

      I will be seeing “After Glitz” girl in my nightmares tonight.

    • Alexandra

      You’d think they could fix those unsightly snaggle-teeth while they’re at it.
      *thick sarcasm*

      • Muggle

        There are fake teeth out there for girls in pageants. I forget the industry jargon for them but no shit, in some pageants girls who are still losing baby teeth have to wear Disney-princess-style dentures.

      • Poogles

        They’re called “flippers” – ridiculous things.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Jeez, I am SO far behind on letting my uggo kids know they fugtastic they are. I better get ON IT Thanks Etsy lady!

    • Allegra Agenda

      Just because something CAN be done doesn’t mean it SHOULD be done!

    • JussyLee

      I live in Omaha, NE, and pageant culture is not prominent here. I’m hoping this etsy lady doesn’t start a trend in this area.

    • Charmless

      The “After Glitz” girl in the header image looks like a Sim created by somebody who spent way too much time downloading super fancy custom content.

      … not that I know anybody like that.

      • Blueathena623

        Don’t know if she is still around since I never moved on to Sims 3, but Helane made gorgeous skins and eyes. All my sims looked like the “after” versions above.

      • Charmless

        The Sims 3 was a huge disappointment, but now I’m browsing my old Sims 2 download sites and wondering if I should go back and revisit that one. I remember being really excited about Enayla’s skintones. My Sims were the most ridiculous colors and they somehow looked more human than these children.

      • gothicgaelicgirl

        I’m kinda in love with Sims Medieval.
        I made my husband a character in it and left it for an hour on free roaming.
        He got drunk, killed four people and died in glorious battle against a pit monster…

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      CREEPY.

    • disqus_WjKIYzni5a

      what the actual eff. this is awful.

    • Maddi Holmes

      I’m more upset by the terrible quality of the editing!

    • Kay_Sue

      Thank you, Number8DesignStudio. Without you, I would have no way to let my children know just how awful they look. Do you retouch boys’ photographs? I would hate for them to have to suffer in their ugliness just because they had the good luck of being born male.

    • Anne Marie Hawkins

      This is the stuff of nightmares on so many levels.

    • ted3553

      now i want to send pictures of my family (sisters, mom and aunts) in to get them Glitzed and send it to them in a creepy christmas card.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      that’s disgusting, everyone’s child is beautiful.
      The little one gets upset as she has a turn in her eye and has to wear glasses. She thinks she is ugly because people have asked us in front of her- “Can laser not fix that?”
      Instead of going psycho-mom on their butts, I showed her pictures of Kate Moss.
      I told her the truth, that she had a turn in her eye too and is still considered one of the most beautiful girls in the world.
      She asked me what her job was and her jaw just dropped when I said she was a model. “But she has a funny eye like me!”

      Telling her that people didn’t care about things like that and you don’t have to look like a magazine cover to be beautiful is very important.
      I showed her the ad with (think it’s Jade Jagger??) and she said but she has funny teeth like me too.

      I realise showing her models and make up ads probably isn’t the best technique but if it makes her more confident and makes her love herself the way we love her, funny eyes and teeth and all, well then I don’t really care.

      I never pay attention to celebrity nonsense but if I hear a certain actress she likes now has glasses, I’ll tell her.
      For me, it’s all about slowly building up her confidence.

    • Not important.

      Oh my fucking god. People take this seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself if you want your child photoshopped! If you tell your child he/she is ugly you’ll ruin their self-esteem when they are teens and they will fucking kill themselves. What the actual fuck is wrong with this generation…wow. No wonder kids keep doing crazier things these days, with such god-awful parents! I’m only 18 years old and SOOO not ready to be a parent, but when i read stuff like this i’m convinced I would be more-than-decent parent compared to dumbfucks like the people who actually use this service. also: ”we would love them more if they were prettier” you should burn in fucking hell if you actually think like this! I cant believe how fucked up in the head some people are!!