This Bra Supports Your Boobs, But It Calls You Fat Behind Your Back

Austin Powers In Goldmember (2002)

Austin Powers In Goldmember (2002)

In case you forgot that the whole universe is really, really concerned with what you choose to do with your own female body, now scientists are creating a bra that tells you to stop overeating. Really.

Microsoft Research is hard at work designing a bra with special sensors that can “detect stress.” If your lingerie notices changes in your heartbeat, it sends a message to your smartphone that’s like, “Hey bitch, you’re not actually hungry; you’re just shoving food down your gullet because you have a lot going on at work.” Finally! That’s exactly what I crave when I’m already being pushed to my limit: nagging weight loss encouragement from my underwear.

Truly excellent photoshop on my part.

Truly excellent photoshop on my part.

Keep in mind that this wasn’t invented to help women notice signs of hypertension or impending heart attacks or anything, ya know, useful. It just tells you to eat less. Because women never hear that message in their everyday lives!

And why exactly does this have to be a bra? Wouldn’t a regular heart monitor suffice? Nah, because according to science, eating when you’re not hungry is a Lady Problem. One senior researcher at Microsoft explains to Discovery:

It’s mostly women who are emotional overeaters. We tried to do the same thing for men’s underwear but it was too far away from the heart.

Um, exactly what evidence suggests that men don’t emotionally eat? Last time I checked, obesity wasn’t a gender-specific issue in this country. There aren’t any facts to back up your claim that women need an invention to keep them from stress eating to begin with, and the idea that women require something like this while men don’t? That’s not just misogynistic– it’s boring and lazy.

forgetting sarah marshall

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

I think they expect us to be grateful for this invention, which is the worst part of it all. If I wanted constant reminders that overeating makes me gain weight, I’d turn on any TV channel or read any magazine or talk to any frat guy. I don’t need to hear that message from my boob holster.

Via HuffPost

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      Ew, worst invention, ever!

    • elle

      that would be one bra I would be glad to burn. Seriously worst ever.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      I like my bras like I like all my inanimate objects: silent. Like, really. Completely fucking silent.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Can you program it to text you compliments? I wouldn’t mind if it was like “Hey Joanna, nice titties. Love, your bra.”