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Screw Oprah’s Favorite Things! Here Are The Gloss’ Picks From 2013

President Obama Holds Dinner For Medal Of Freedom Honorees

Every year, we wait with baited breath for Oprah’s Favorite Things, and people are quick to appreciate the quiet simplicity of her suggestions completely tear it apart for its out-of-touch bad taste.

As fashion and beauty writers, we come across a whole mess of products as well, and have come up with a list of our favorite things, instead. Every single item on this list is essential, and you should do everything in your power to obtain them immediately. Without further ado, here is The Gloss’ Favorite Things of 2013.

Let’s start in the world of fashion. This year, we were privy to some amazing looks, and we can’t wait for you all to get your hands on these remarkable pieces.

bodiBase Camel Toe-Canceling Underwear

After you’ve seen these, you won’t be able to even imagine wearing normal underpants ever again. A necessity under any clothes and over any vulva.

Taxidermy Shoes

These shoes just make all others seem like boring foot containers. Go big or go home.

Funkybod Muscle Top

Every man should own at least one of these, so that we’re not forced to look at horrifying man bodies in their natural, disgusting, unchiseled states.

AR Wear Anti Rape Underwear

We’re big fans of any product, idea, or statement that puts the onus of preventing rape on potential victims, so we were thrilled to learn about these anti-rape underpants.

Vivienne Westwood Penis Purse

Size matters, ladies, and this is the biggest clutch around.

Anti-Pervert Stockings

Here’s another fine product to keep sickos from violating you, and what we love about this the creative styling. It’s a nice reminder that if you instead wear sexy slut clothes that show off your hairless legs, you are wearing Pro-Pervert clothing. At that point, it’s an invitation.

Clap-Off Bra

Never struggle with a bra clasp ever again (or awkwardly tell your partner “I got it.”)! This innovative technology is sure to change your entire existence, and you can’t live without it.

Necropants

Oprah’s list featured pajamas that fit like a second skin, and so do we! They’re perfect for lounging around the house or doing quick errands.

God Inspired Fashion

Godliness is next to making my ass look good. The scripture has never looked so good.

And now, let’s direct our attention to The Gloss’ favorite beauty products featured in 2013.

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    This list is definitely more interesting than Oprah’s!