The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is upon us tonight, so boobs are on the brain right now. Even though I have fairly large breasts (36DDDs, or 34DDs, if you’re a Victoria’s Secret employee and insist I look hotter when getting a muffin above and below my bra) and wish they were smaller so I could wear cute backless dresses, I still admittedly enjoy making my chest look larger sometimes. And there are so many ways to do so!
Obviously, not everybody wants their breasts to be propped up to their chins, but if like to occasionally indulge in getting the look of giant, Vegas-postcard style boobs or just a mild lift and enhancement, there are a multitude of methods to make that happen. However, not all tit techniques are created equal, so I’ve compiled a list of ways to make your boobs look bigger, ranked by how believable they are.
Pros: If you have a cold, this is an incredibly convenient technique.
Cons: Sure, these are soft, but if you so much as spill a little water on yourself, your boobs will go back to normal. Is it worth everyone believing you’re secretly the Wicked Witch from the West?
2. “Lift” Adhesives
Pros: These can be worn with backless dresses. If you’ve ever worn the birth control patch, it’s like that, but on your nipples.
Cons: You’ll just look like you’re wearing really ugly, bandaid-like pasties. Also, these ever been effective on anybody above a size -AA? No. No they have not.
Pros: I love socks as much as the next person–possibly more, actually, given that my mom gets me cool $1 holiday socks every few months. It would be like having differently patterned bras each day, but sad and lumpy.
Cons: Depending on the material, this could be very uncomfortable.
4. Sticky Bra
Pros: Can be worn with backless dresses!
Cons: Wait, no they can’t, because they’ll fall down in ten minutes and the only enhancement you’ll get will be somewhere around your diaphragm. And given you don’t have udders, this will probably not be too believable.
5. Water Bra
Pros: I had no idea these existed until my coworker told me so. They look fairly effective! But then, so does everything in every ad.
Cons: If they pop, you will be very wet. If they pop while you’re skiing, snowboarding, sledding or walking in the winter wind, you will catch a very bad cold (at the very least).
6. Bra Twist
Pros: Subtle, easy and simple. Just twist your bra around to push your breasts closer together and add a little lift.
Cons: Can be uncomfortable at the center. Depending on the bra, it could look unnatural.
7. The Victoria’s Secret Bombshell Bra
Pros: This is no ordinary pushup bra. It combines #s 6 and 11 on this list for a bra that gives you a two cup increase. Seriously, it’s ridonkulous. Indeed, you will look like Ginger Spice.
Cons: Believable? Eh, depending on your size, probably not. Plus, when I used to wear mine, people who bumped into me would wonder why I felt like a Temperpedic.
8. Wine Bra
Pros: This will be more believable than most because people will be too busy drinking from your lingerie to notice that you have been enhanced by entire bottles of booze.
Cons: The inserts are called “bladders,” which is a little terrifying. And people will be drinking wine from your chest. This is not inherently a con.
Pros: Makeup, when done well, can look very natural. Utilizing matte bronzer and highlighter creams with sponges plus translucent powder overtop, you can create a pretty believable look!
Cons: Contouring can go oh-so-wrong for many people. If you’re heavy-handed, if you accidentally brush against somebody’s white jacket, if you don’t use waterproof makeup and it rains…it’ll look ridiculous rather than sexy.
10. Stuffing With Money
Pros: This will always work. Nobody will ever question your moneytits. This was also entirely inspired by this stock photo I found.
Cons: None, because you have tons of money.
11. Pushup Or Padded Bra
Pros: These are a common device to add a little lift and, perhaps, the appearance of a slight increase in mass. I wear one most days of the week, as they’re comfortable without going over-the-top. They’re so popular that you can almost always find one in your budget.
Cons: They usually have underwire, which sucks a lot, and depending on the level of padding (like the VS one above), they can look ultra-unnatural.
12. Liz’s Trick (i.e. A Combination Effort)
Pros: Remember Liz’s instructions on how to make your boobs look bigger utilizing socks, 2 bras and makeup? They’re extremely effective.
Cons: As I said earlier, makeup can give you away if not extremely well blended (which Liz did a great job of, so if you choose to do this, definitely check her tutorial out).
13. Plastic Surgery
Pros: No matter how you feel about plastic surgery, it’s hard to deny that a really wonderfully-done implant job is probably the most believable, consistent way to make your breasts look bigger.
Cons: There are obviously lots of exceptions, given that many people experience negative side effects or go to doctors who aren’t reputable and wind up with less “natural enhancement” and more of a “skin stretched over wildly oversized baseballs” look. There are lots of risks, so it’s integral to be completely aware of all of them–and to take full precautions against them–before going under the knife.
Ultimately, how you choose to present your chest is up to you. No bra? Comfortable for lots of people. Sports bras? Great for others. Pushup bras with underwire and padding? Perfect for some folks. It all depends on you. Except the wine one, because that is objectively awesome and you know it.