Everyone can let go of that breath they’ve been holding, because Kim Kardashian has lost the baby weight.
Let’s be honest, there was never a question of whether or not Kim Kardashian would get her “post-baby body” back. She’s a big celebrity primarily famous for being hot, and she has all the money in the world to throw at diets and trainers to get her back in reality TV shape. It was a given that she would be back and looking conventionally attractive in no time. Celebrities always go back to looking exactly like celebrities, and the only question is how long it will take and which tabloid will win the right to be the first to put her on its cover in a bikini. This week, the question of the ages is answered and the victor is US Weekly.
“My Body is Back!” crows the cover in the voice of Kim Kardashian. We wonder where her body has been and how she’s been getting along without a body for the past few months. If Kim Kardashian is a ghost with magic hologram technology, we would very much like to know about it.
Obviously Kim Kardashian has had a body this whole time. It was just deemed unacceptable, despite being healthy and able and having conceived, gestated, and then birthed another human being. (Who is really, really cute.) But, you know, unless a person can get a tabloid to pay a lot of money to put her on their cover in a bikini, she’s basically not a woman anymore.
In order to prove that perfect adorable angel baby North West had not turned her into something as disgusting as a woman who is slightly less conventionally attractive, Kim has been teasing us with sexy bathing suit pics on her Instagram, bras worn as shirts, and a wardrobe of dresses so tight that there was very little question what her body looks like these days. We were a bit surprised by all that, because we figured her revealing Instagrams might devalue the monetary payout her inevitable bikini reveal would surely bring. But we were naive. Much as Kate Middleton‘s obviously trim post-baby body was not confirmed until we accidentally caught sight of her bare stomach, Kim Kardashian’s beauty didn’t count until she put on a bikini.
Ugh. We’re getting pretty tired of the “post baby body” narrative and the idea that a woman must be bikini cover worthy to justify her existence. We know she’s hot. She has a very cute baby. Now she’s hot and has a cute baby and is in a bikini on a magazine cover, as others have been and will be again.
On the cover, Kardashian emerges from the sea like Venus, with toned abs and a skimpy white bikini. The magazine promises to tell us how she did it if we buy a copy, but we’re pretty sure the answer is just Atkins, Tracy Anderson, and the motivating force of scheduling her post-baby bikini body for a magazine cover.
Via Us Weekly/Photo: Instagram/KimKardashian