• Wed, Dec 11 - 12:05 pm ET

10 Terrible Moments From Last Night’s 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Model Adriana Lima walks the runway at the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Victoria's Secret)

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Last night, I took a nap from approximately 7 to 9:45 PM. My roommate woke me up to let me know she was home and that she was about to watch the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. She wanted to know if I would like to join her, to which I reluctantly muttered something along the lines of, “But I need a puppy” (my nap time dreams consist of adorable, long-lasting images). Then I got up and watched it with her.

I hadn’t been planning on watching it, if I’m honest. I mean, we already wrote about looks from the show back when it actually took place, as well as the Angels’ Instagram pics, the drama surrounding performer Taylor Swift and Angel Jessica Hart, and the drama’s subsequent demise. I just didn’t see why I should bother watching the broadcast. After all, aren’t models approximately the same in photos and on video?

But as I watched it, I felt compelled to livetweet the thing (for those of you who follow The Gloss’ or my Twitter accounts because it was so f’ing ridiculous. At the very beginning of my foray into the evening, Twitter user @BuffaloGal noted we should only livetweet the event if we plan on being snarky, so snarky we got. Here are the moments that I found the most cringe-worthy.

1. Cara Delevingne talking about how risky social media is for her.

“In one second, I could screw up everything I have… it’s like the big red button [sound effects] and everything explodes!”

Well, not really. You’re part of one of the richest families in the United Kingdom and are one of the most “in” models on Earth at the moment. You also dropped a bag of “white powder” in front of tabloid reporters and barely anybody noticed/cared. Short of getting racist or violent on Instagram, I’m pretty sure nothing will be exploding.

2. iPhone emojis suddenly becoming clothing.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Model Josephine Skriver walks the runway at the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski)

Photo: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski

Why is this happening.

3. Every time somebody blew a kiss.

I would post some photo examples here, but I doubt I need to since I think 65% of VS’s annual budget goes to training models on blowing kisses to disinterested bitches.

4. When “Your Hand In Mine” by Explosions In The Sky started playing.

Okay, fine, I’ll admit that this one is totally personal and it primarily because it was my high school/college boyfriend and my song. This isn’t their fault so much as the fault of my emotional baggage and nostalgia-instigated instability.

5. Taylor Swift spanking Cara Delevingne.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Singer Taylor Swift performs at the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski)

Photo: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski

In general, they seemed to play up the whole “Taylor Swift + sexy model” lesbian fantasy a little too much. Usually, I’m stoked to see things other than heterosexuality play out onscreen, but when it comes to young, conventionally beautiful Victoria’s Secret Angels being spanked in front of an audience by a young, conventionally beautiful pop star, it’s fairly obvious that it’s more of a fantasy than anything else.

6. When it became clear they’re running out of ideas for wings.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Model Sara Sampaio walks the runway at the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski)

Photo: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski

7. …And hats.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Model Barbara Fialho walks the runway at the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski)

Photo: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images for Swarovski

8. When we realized Victoria’s Secret = those obnoxious neighbors who never turn their Christmas lights off.

According to one model (I can’t remember for the life of me which one it was), when filming its commercial in Paris, “Victoria’s Secret paid to keep the Eiffel Tower lit all night!” Ah. Good. That seems really energy-efficient and doesn’t remind France why we’re annoying, self-important douchebags at all.

Apparently, this is not true! My b. Not sure why the model would say it was if it wasn’t, but c’est la vie!

9. Adam Levine giving a standing ovation in the front row.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 13: Musicians Adam Levine, James Valentine (C) and Charles Kelley attend the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 13, 2013 in New York City. (Photo by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)

Photo: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images

Aside from the fact that Adam Levine has dated like half of the Victoria’s Secret roster, the way he stood up and clapped, shaking his head like wearing wings and high heels is the equivalent to fixing the hunger crisis–it was all a little much. More than a little much. And yet, it was right on par with how I’d expect the judge of a glorified talent show would respond to models walking.

10. When they started showing the Angels exercise routines.

As they showed the models using punching bags and doing workouts with their personal trainers as one narrated about how incredibly dedicated they are to fitness, my roommate and I couldn’t help but wonder: how great of shape would we be in if somebody paid us boatloads of cash too look good? Oh, that’s right–really great shape. Because I wouldn’t be sitting at a desk 9 hours a day, I would be able to afford private workouts with world class trainers, and I would . I sure as shit would be dedicated, too.

Now, just as I said last night–if you’ll excuse me, I have a bowl of ice cream to finish and some feelings to ignore.

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Share This Post:
  • Lindsey Conklin

    #6 and #7 killed me! haha seriously? an Eiffel tower hat?

  • RemyC

    Conventionally beautiful pop star? Gimme a break… if Taylor wasn’t a singing superstar, she could have easily become a supermodel. She’s 5′ 10″!

    • Samantha_Escobar

      She’s tall, thin and blond with clear skin and smooth hair. Calling somebody “conventionally beautiful” doesn’t mean you don’t think they’re pretty; it’s acknowledging that, according to societal standards, she is considered physically attractive.

  • A

    The Eiffel Tower is *always* lit all night. So, no, it’s not “remind[ing] France why we’re annoying, self-important douchebags,”

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Huh! During the show, they said Victoria’s Secret paid for that. Weird! Thanks for the correction.

    • Lindsey Conklin

      “Every evening, the Eiffel Tower is adorned with its golden covering and sparkles for 5 minutes every hour on the hour, while its beacon shines over Paris.” http://www.tour-eiffel.fr/en/everything-about-the-tower/the-illuminations.html

    • Lindsey Conklin

      so it’s not really all night. only for a few minutes/hour

    • Doc j2

      @A is a douchebag

  • whatevs

    I’m not a swiftie fan, and I’m not even sure why I wasted my time watching the show, or why I’m now commenting on it now, but I gotta say that Taylor is better looking than 99% of the vs models. She may be skinny but at least she’s not a walking skeleton like most of them.

  • Jason Reyes

    We want Miley Cyrus!!! This should be EPIC if Miley performed in this SHOW! Miley will smucked Cara Delavingne’s A– #BigTime!

  • Julia

    Stop being so negative?? It was a great show and you Only try to find negative stuff bout it

  • nrqas

    what a bitter and pathetic review of what was a fun and lighthearted show

  • Allie

    Ok Adam Levine stood up for his fiancé What’s the problem with that? He was proud of her and thought she looked beautiful. She always looked over to him and he wanted to show his respect. Why are you so negative about everything? The fashion show was amazing and no negativity should go out to hurt these girls. They work hard and deserve to have millions of fans. Quit being so negative and rude

  • Vincent Lime

    I think you intentionally watched the show knowing you’d not even like it just to talk a bunch of shit. You’re speaking like it’s their fault that you have no life and have to work 9 hours a day. It’s not their fault. We all end up where we do and shouldn’t blame anybody but but rd ourselves. Everything you said is completely negative and stupid! You are a typical American since Americans are so “self-important”. You just sound so stupid. I can’t really put into words.

  • Laura

    Samantha Escobar, go fuck yourself. The whole fashion show was great and all of the models did an amazing job. Stop taking shit about everything and get a life. Oh, and P.S I am sure that if Cara did something she would’ve regret and post it online, everybody would known, if you died nobody would :)