Last night, I took a nap from approximately 7 to 9:45 PM. My roommate woke me up to let me know she was home and that she was about to watch the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. She wanted to know if I would like to join her, to which I reluctantly muttered something along the lines of, “But I need a puppy” (my nap time dreams consist of adorable, long-lasting images). Then I got up and watched it with her.
I hadn’t been planning on watching it, if I’m honest. I mean, we already wrote about looks from the show back when it actually took place, as well as the Angels’ Instagram pics, the drama surrounding performer Taylor Swift and Angel Jessica Hart, and the drama’s subsequent demise. I just didn’t see why I should bother watching the broadcast. After all, aren’t models approximately the same in photos and on video?
But as I watched it, I felt compelled to livetweet the thing (for those of you who follow The Gloss’ or my Twitter accounts because it was so f’ing ridiculous. At the very beginning of my foray into the evening, Twitter user @BuffaloGal noted we should only livetweet the event if we plan on being snarky, so snarky we got. Here are the moments that I found the most cringe-worthy.
1. Cara Delevingne talking about how risky social media is for her.
“In one second, I could screw up everything I have… it’s like the big red button [sound effects] and everything explodes!”
Well, not really. You’re part of one of the richest families in the United Kingdom and are one of the most “in” models on Earth at the moment. You also dropped a bag of “white powder” in front of tabloid reporters and barely anybody noticed/cared. Short of getting racist or violent on Instagram, I’m pretty sure nothing will be exploding.
2. iPhone emojis suddenly becoming clothing.
Why is this happening.
3. Every time somebody blew a kiss.
I would post some photo examples here, but I doubt I need to since I think 65% of VS’s annual budget goes to training models on blowing kisses to disinterested bitches.
4. When “Your Hand In Mine” by Explosions In The Sky started playing.
Okay, fine, I’ll admit that this one is totally personal and it primarily because it was my high school/college boyfriend and my song. This isn’t their fault so much as the fault of my emotional baggage and nostalgia-instigated instability.
5. Taylor Swift spanking Cara Delevingne.
In general, they seemed to play up the whole “Taylor Swift + sexy model” lesbian fantasy a little too much. Usually, I’m stoked to see things other than heterosexuality play out onscreen, but when it comes to young, conventionally beautiful Victoria’s Secret Angels being spanked in front of an audience by a young, conventionally beautiful pop star, it’s fairly obvious that it’s more of a fantasy than anything else.
6. When it became clear they’re running out of ideas for wings.
7. …And hats.
8. When we realized Victoria’s Secret = those obnoxious neighbors who never turn their Christmas lights off. According to one model (I can’t remember for the life of me which one it was), when filming its commercial in Paris, “Victoria’s Secret paid to keep the Eiffel Tower lit all night!” Ah. Good. That seems really energy-efficient and doesn’t remind France why we’re annoying, self-important douchebags at all.
Apparently, this is not true! My b. Not sure why the model would say it was if it wasn’t, but c’est la vie!
9. Adam Levine giving a standing ovation in the front row.
Aside from the fact that Adam Levine has dated like half of the Victoria’s Secret roster, the way he stood up and clapped, shaking his head like wearing wings and high heels is the equivalent to fixing the hunger crisis–it was all a little much. More than a little much. And yet, it was right on par with how I’d expect the judge of a glorified talent show would respond to models walking.
10. When they started showing the Angels exercise routines.
As they showed the models using punching bags and doing workouts with their personal trainers as one narrated about how incredibly dedicated they are to fitness, my roommate and I couldn’t help but wonder: how great of shape would we be in if somebody paid us boatloads of cash too look good? Oh, that’s right–really great shape. Because I wouldn’t be sitting at a desk 9 hours a day, I would be able to afford private workouts with world class trainers, and I would . I sure as shit would be dedicated, too.
Now, just as I said last night–if you’ll excuse me, I have a bowl of ice cream to finish and some feelings to ignore.