We’re having an office debate. The question: Would you have sex with Justin Bieber for the story?
I’m not sure exactly how this came up, but I think it was a question posed by Jenni over at Crushable, who sits across from me at work and encourages me to write really, really weird posts. However, now that the inquiry has been inquired, it feels like I need to ask it, particularly since all of us at the office gave ultra-mixed responses.
The idea of sleeping with a celebrity just for the story doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, but I think the only way to go about debating this is by weighing the pros and cons. Shall we?
Pro: ”The story would win every party I’m at for the rest of my life,” says Jenni. To be fair, it would be a really weird experience and, depending on who you are, a really good story to tell. If you are a professional writer, it would be great for your site’s traffic. If you’re a casual writer, it would also be great for your site’s traffic and would boost your visibility.
Con: Your visibility would be boosted in a really unpleasant way. You would forever be known as “that person who banged Justin Bieber and wrote about it.” Every time somebody Googles your name, that is what would show up. It might even pop up on Bing, which people might be into someday.
Pro: But any clicks are good clicks, right?
Con: It wouldn’t matter, because he’d probably make you sign an NDA.
Pro: At parties, it would be an excellent way to stop all your engaged friends from bragging about their rings. “I got a diamond” versus “I did it in the bathroom with Bieber”? I think we know who wins that unhumblebrag round.
Con: Your friends would all be suspicious that you have an STD.
Pro: We have no idea if Bieber has an STD, so those suspicions could just be suspicions.
Con: Bieber seems like the kind of guy who would leave his boxers on the whole time. He probably does not cuddle. He is too busy Instagramming his mustache.
Pro: Your Instagram would be flooded with angry Bieber fans. This could feasibly be a con, but if you write for the Internet, you are well aware that angry Bieber fans are the most hilarious fucking humans on Earth.
Con: Of course, they might actually come after you, as they tend to do.
Pro: Who knows, maybe the Biebs is actually a really nice dude? What if he’s secretly a total sweetheart who cuddles teddybears and returns lost kittens to their families and is single-handedly helping to fix the bee endangerment crisis? Not that it matters, though, because again–you’d probably have to sign an NDA.
Con: Given his public persona and alleged recent body snarking, this may not be so likely.
Pro: He is a decent entertainer. While I don’t particularly like his music, I have to admit that he is good at entertaining huge numbers of people.
Con: He’s 19. Obviously, that is above the legal age of consent, but he’s the age of a college freshman and even as a 24-year-old, it still seems unappealing to me. Gnar.
Pro: I’ve run out of pros. There are no more. There weren’t really any to begin with.
Con: He is Justin Bieber.
Basically, this comes down to wanting to bang a celebrity simply for the story that would come along with the experience, whether it’s to benefit from or not. Of course, there are those who would say “yes” to the Biebs regardless, but I don’t think many of those people regularly read our site. Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to sleep with anybody just for the story, but something tells me Bieber wouldn’t really think anything of it if somebody did.
So, moment of truth…