• Fri, Dec 13 - 2:20 pm ET

13 Signs You’re That Couple Everyone Hates, In GIFs

You know how there are some couples whom everybody just sort of can’t stand? They may be your friends, you may love them (or, at least, one of them), but they drive you absolutely crazy. Here’s the problem: what if you are that couple and have no idea?

So, to honor one of TV’s most annoying couples of all time, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who inexplicably did an E! special about how they’re still together and how they should have $10 million in the bank and how they regret lots of stuff, I’d like to present a list of symptoms to you all. The illness: being that couple everybody wants to strangle.

1. You refuse to go anywhere without one another.

Stop following each other EVERYWHERE. Seriously, this is fucking annoying. Just because you’re dating–or even living together!–doesn’t mean you are suddenly conjoined twins. Because if you were, it would be weird that you’re dating.

2. You assume everyone is inviting both of you.

Hey, you got invited out! Congratulations! Oh, you assumed that your partner was added to the invite automatically? Yeah, no. If he or she had been, then chances are, somebody would’ve mentioned that. Note: This is especially obnoxious and inconsiderate when somebody else is paying for the meal or experience.

3. You constantly use the royal “we.”

We get it. You share a lot of the same opinions and experiences. You love sharing said opinions and experiences. But STFU, you are still an individual human being and as much as you both believe cat people are better than dog people, I was only asking your opinion.

4. You refuse to let go of one another’s hands in public.

This one especially goes for people who live in cities: just because there are two of you does not mean you have to stand side-by-side. When other people need to get by, let them get by; they’re not trying literally split you up, they just don’t want to be stuck behind your mild PDA fest for three more blocks, you inconsiderate douchebags.

5. You use your gross pet names IRL around other people.

It’s one thing to have weird pet names. We’ve discussed this at the office several times, as many of us have significant others and we use pet names with them (often ones that are kind of mean-sounding). But while I may call my partner “stupid fluffy honey bunny” in my phone, complete with emojis, I would never call him that across the room at a party.

6. You Instagram yourselves making out.

Pictures together make sense. After all, you are dating and you probably spend a fair amount of time together, and that’s rad. However, you can snap shots of yourselves eating, dancing, going on rides at Disneyland, all without tilting your heads and pushing your lips together in front of the Magic Sleeping Beauty Castle.

7. You make out while other people are talking.

According to one of my coworkers who used to be a server at a restaurant, some couples straight up refuse to stop kissing long enough to give servers their orders, which is absurdly rude in so many ways. It forces people who want or need to speak with you to watch you kissing and, as she said, “stare at the ground like some kind of antiquated parlor maid.”

8. You talk about your sex life to everybody.

I’m not referring to your friends, with whom you may often converse one-on-one with about your sex life. I’m talking about those couples who inexplicably find a reason to bring up what toys they use, what positions they want to try, how big it is, that time you got fingered on a plane, blahblahblah. This is weird and ridiculous. Keep that shit to yourselves and very specific Reddit boards.

9. You assume everyone wishes they had what you have.

The number of times I’ve heard the phrase “she’s just jealous because she’s miserable and alone” astounds me. Here’s a thought–maybe not everyone wants to be in a relationship. Maybe lots of people very much prefer to be single. Maybe not everyone is just “waiting for the right person.” Your relationship may be amazing and incredible and life-changing for you, but don’t go assuming you are officially the Joneses.

10. Speaking of which, you also assume you know f’ing everything about relationships.

Being a relationship does not make you a relationship expert. Do you have a masters degree in the psychology of human relationships? No, so stop giving your friends unsolicited advice.

11. You can’t stop hanging out, even when with other people.

PDA-animated-gif-the-office-19675815-300-169

Via.

Look, it’s one thing if you’re at an event where only one of you knows the guests. In that situation, it makes total sense to be glued together! But if you guys are the kind of couple who whispers and giggles to one another at dinner despite there being 8 other human beings at the table, then just go home. You’re killing my appetite.

12. You become shitty friends when you’re together.

Are you one of those couples who immediately drops everything for one another? Who, as I said in #1, cannot handle doing things alone or–worse–cannot handle your partner doing things with other people besides you? Who cannot be at a party for longer than 20 minutes because you’d rather get home to watch Seinfeld reruns in your pajamas, a habit that you think everybody should know because it’s oh-so-endearing that you guys are just homebodies blahblahblah? Then congratulations! You probably suck as a friend.

13. You announce things through Facebook statuses that could easily be privately told to one another.

My biggest peeve about this: people who wish each other a happy anniversary. “Sooo glad to have Kevin in my life, he’s my rock and I’ve loved him so much through these the last 5 years. Happy anniversary baby!” No. You don’t deserve a computer anymore. Yes, I can just delete you from my friend’s list, but that would seem passive aggressive and unnecessarily mean, and I obviously would never want to add a negative touch to somebody’s special day. Plus, it’s kind of adorable when older parents or grandparents do it!

But still, for this generation, the message stands: stop writing statuses about how many vegan meals you two dickheads ate over the past few years, or get off my Internets.

So, in summary:

I mean, not really. There are lots of couples who are great! I hopefully am part of one of them (oh god, friends, please tell me if we’re not). Basically, just use common sense–would you want to constantly hang out with 2 people who talk about banging each other around your parents, who can’t stop making out, who refuse to talk to anybody else? Eh, probably not.

Share This Post:
  • CMJ

    I HATE the “I have the best husband/boyfriend/partner/wife/girlfriend because {Insert normal, mundane, everyday thing}” posts.

  • Unsubscribing

    Bitter bitch alert. Did it ever occur to you that some people genuinely enjoy being in these types of relationships? Why are you so judgmental? Live and let live, girl.

    What a horrible blog post, solely existing only to tear other people down. You’re a wretched individual and I feel truly sorry for you. I am unsubscribing to the updates from this site — this is the sort of catty bitchiness I cannot stand.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Wait, we still have subscription emails?

    • DMcG

      If there isn’t a Relationship Shaming post up by next Friday I will stop having the Gloss printed and hand-delivered to me by an orphan riding a penny-farthing

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      HEY! That orphan needs the halfpenny, and besides, he might quit if I’m the only other customer!

    • CMJ

      Just because you enjoy being in that type of relationship it doesn’t mean you don’t annoy people….You have every right to be making out in front of other people and I have every right to judge you for it.

    • Alexis H

      Oh shit, so you’re AWFUL and want us to feel bad about be mean about awfuls? Because the complaints above are legit, those qualities are pretty effing annoying. I cringe knowing that I used to do some of them myself. But if you think that these are actually awesome qualities in a relationship and are worth getting irrationally defensive about, well, I guess bye?

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Guh, I’ve totally been guilty of some of this stuff in the past. When I was in a pretty severely codependent relationship for several years, we were inseparable (not big on the PDA, but definitely around one another all the time). I still feel like an asshole thinking about it.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MBULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLANCE

  • Devon

    I guess it’s okay to shame and judge and hate on things for attention. Even if the author often is very critical of other bloggers that do the same thing. But blogging in and of itself is a negative and selfish activity…just more mean things to make people feel bad.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Uh, are you accusing me of relationship-shaming? Because that could be a fun topic. I’m pretty sure people are well within their capabilities to not be rude. But yeah, I should probably start high-fiving people who refuse to stop making out in front of servers, being inconsiderate with plans, and being incapable of acting as individuals.

      (As a side note, by clicking and commenting, you’ve just supported blogging. Thanks!)

    • CMJ

      I’m growing extremely weary of the “stop judging me, meanie!” brigade.

      Yes, do what you want. But if you’re an inconsiderate douchecanoe I will judge you for it….

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Rudeness-shaming! It’s almost like fat shaming or slut shaming except completely f’ing irrelevant because people should be shamed for being rude!

    • Alexis H

      Blogging is a negative and selfish activity? What the shit?

    • Aggie

      Everything you do in life you will be judged for. It’s been happening since you slid out of your mama. Welcome to reality, it’s gonna be rough for you.

  • Lindsey Conklin

    I think this post is so entertaining-especially for people who ARE in relationships because we all know one of those couples (slash recognize that we might be one ourselves…) I completely agree with all 13 GIFs.

    • CMJ

      No joke…one of the best compliments (I think) I received about my relationship went something along the lines of – OMG, I don’t hate hanging out with you two together.

    • LynnKell

      I loved when my boyfriend’s best girl-friend said she liked to party with us because we are two separate human beings choosing to hang out together, not like those couples that are glued to each other like those fishes that suck the fish tank. The comparison to those fishes made me laugh hysterically.

  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    Ooooops.

  • http://www.komikero.com Gerry Alanguilan

    I think it’s inconsiderate of people to invite someone and not their significant other. Once your friends enter relationships, you really just have to deal with it. Invite both or none at all.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      I know whatcha mean–I think if it’s a night out or brunch or something, it’s good to invite both. I don’t think people should inherently assume you’re inviting both, so it is good to say, “Do you care if I bring ____?” but yes, it is still nice to invite both.

      That said, I think if it’s an event wherein somebody else is paying for it (ex.: a dinner that one person has agreed to buy for a few close friends, or a ticketed show that a friend is kindly comping), then it’s rude to just bring them along. And I also think it’s ridiculous to turn down invitations simply because your S/O can’t come, but I’ve met more than a few people who refuse to hang out with their own friends if their partner isn’t coming (by choice or otherwise).

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I think that depends a lot on what the occasion is. I’ve been with my husband almost a decade at this point, and there are still plenty of things that one of us is invited to that the other would be out of place at. We have both mutual and separate friends, plus careers, plus hobbies. Things are bound to not cross over. I think this is doubly true for newer couples.

    • Not a Slave

      I think you need to try and comprehend the fact that TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE make up a couple- not two people who are surgically grafted together with love. If someone wants to invite their friend-and not their friend’s partner- that’s perfectly fine. What IS inconsiderate is to assume that person will be okay with both coming. It just causes discomfort and can ruin the event for that person. I say if you can’t be in a relationship and remain independent simultaneously, you don’t deserve to be invited out at all.

  • Jln

    This is so hateful I can’t even stand it…

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Welcome to the Internet. There’s this thing called humor.

      Seriously though, I will fully admit that I have committed some of these “annoying couple crimes.” It’s inevitable. I can laugh at myself, can you?

  • Miranda

    I’m sorry but it’s Disneyland and Sleeping Beauty Castle.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Fixed! Thanks for the catches. I lived by the park for 4 years, you’d think I had been there more than one time and would know more about it, ha.

  • Sarah Ochocki

    Deleting someone from your friends list is no more passive aggressive than writing a whole article devoted to how much you hate them.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Whelp, I guess now we know you are part of an annoying couple.

  • Adam

    Wow, someone needs a hug, hey? I’m sorry your love life sucks so bad. I hope someday you will find someone that will make you realize how stupid you just made yourself sound.

  • FF4life

    Spot on except the shitty friend description.
    If you are in a relationship, sometimes its just time to stop going to the club. Time to stop drinking in excess and making stupid decisions. Sometimes your single friends want to do things that are really just fun for single people. Not wanting to participate does not make you a shitty friend.

    A shitty friend doesn’t help you move out of your new apartment, doesn’t attend your father’s funeral, stiffs you on the rent to suddenly move in with a girlfriend. A shitty friend is way worse than a homebody.

    • Alexis

      I think they’re more referring to something like, your friend invites you to their birthday dinner, and you leave after like 20 mins, announcing that you’re going home to watch TV with your bf.

    • Moody Hank

      What? Why? So you can just have a break from doing all those “immature” and “boring” just so you can go back and do it all again or what’s worse demand all your now EX friends do it with you because you’re now suddenly single! Yep, good one shitty friend!!!

  • Lana

    I can see how some of those are annoying, but the anniversary one? Really? Relationships can be hard work, and sometimes it’s important to publically acknowledge milestones indicating success.

    If someone is working on their college degree, should they not post milestones relating to that because it bugs other people? I don’t get why so many articles are trying to make a recognition/ support status out to be a bad thing. You’re is like the 5th “things I hate I about FB” rant I’ve read that specifically lists anniversary statuses. It’s especially baffling because the tone of the examples used in every article is super innocuous, eg: “6 Happy years together, I love you Tony! Thanks for making my world a better place. :-)”

    I could understand the anniversary hate if the statuses were something like, “Today marks 6 glorious years between my fluffernutterkins, me, and God. We are so blessed in our marriage and savior, and we pray that all our friends will come to know the love that we share with each other and with Jesus. God bless and namaste.”

    But that ^^ is not the type of anniversary status being complained about. You and too many other FB-hating lists are moaning about a public acknowledgement of a meaningful milestone. It sounds so bitter and angry, I just can’t comprehend it.

    Out of curiosity, at what milestone does it become appropriate to begin wishing one’s partner a happy anniversary? Clearly you’re irritated at the public disclosure of 5 years together, so is 10 years acceptable? 15? 20?

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      I thought her point was that it was other, lamer updates that were annoying, and NOT anniversary posts. Correct me if I’m wrong.

  • Josey

    You missed one: “We’re pregnant with a baby!” A variation on that is: “We just found out we’re pregnant.”

    My standard comeback line is: “No, she’s pregnant and you drank a little too much and ejaculated when you shouldn’t have.”

  • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

    It doesn’t bug me as much when couples do “happy anniversary” statuses for a year anniversary – especially when it’s short and sweet – but what fucking kills me is that I have friends who will do that for every. Damn. Month. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE BEEN DATING FOR SEVEN MONTHS, HE’S THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, PLEASE STOP.

  • http://sarahhollowell.com/ Sarah Hollowell

    Also I’m really proud of myself because the entire time I was reading this I was like “okay, do I do this with my boyfriend?” and we don’t do anything of them.

    But also we’re weirdly private people when it comes to our relationship. We’re gross as fuck when we’re alone.

  • Aiko

    I actually agree with a lot of these things and still think you sound totally out of line. Sure, rudeness is annoying but not the worst thing ever. Dwelling on it and then writing a passive aggressive post? Putting down other people who are potentially happy? This just looks like a cheap attempt at making yourself feel better about whatever insecurities you face (even if that’s not the case). You kind of made yourself look like a jerk, here…

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    “Sooo glad to have Kevin in my life, he’s my rock and I’ve loved him so much through these the last 5 years. Happy anniversary baby!” -

    Wait. Do we know the same people? Like, this is accurate in my life down to the damn name of the dude, lol. That just goes to show how effing common this is.

  • CrossGenerationalThoughts

    What’s funny is that my grandparents do many of these things and they have been happily married for over 60 years. They’re truly in love and such sweet people. I can see how these things might annoy other people but when you’re committed to someone you don’t worry about what others think because you create a life together. Relationships that care too much about “pleasing the public” often won’t last. To each their own.

  • miss7821

    lol this is s silly. Your biggest pet peeve is couples wishing each other Happy Anniversary on Facebook? haha wow.

  • Not a Slave

    Ugh, #11 and #12 make me pissed. I was just at my cousin’s birthday get together with some of our friends, but many of the people had to leave somewhat early and soon it was just my cousin, a guy and girl with an obvious “thing” for each other, and myself. But the guy and girl were just all over each other. I feel so bad for my cousin because it was obvious she was getting uncomfortable and just wanted us to have fun together, but the couple was all but ignoring her. Like she invited you guys just to watch you be all cutesy and flirty? I don’t think so!!
    if you are a member of a couple, just make sure you aren’t being dicks. Because whether intentional or not, quite a lot of you are.