• Thu, Dec 19 - 11:10 am ET

A Brief History Of Santa Claus Portrayals, Ranked By Sex Appeal

We all know Santa Claus is a bit of a creep. I mean, the dude supposedly pops down your chimney, doles out presents to strangers he’s watched and judged from afar, scarfs down an ungodly number of cookies, then jumps back up the aforementioned chimney to hang out with a bunch of animals that pray each night to wake up as elk. But as with all creepy characters, once Santa gets portrayed by a super hot person, suddenly we collectively forget how weird it is that a master of time management has yet to start using Amazon.

So, let’s begin judging them, shall we? Because that is what the holidays are about! Lists and judging, judging and lists (we blame BuzzFeed a little bit, but forgive them because of this). Whether they were playing Santa or simply dressing in his conventional attire, these are the guys who dressed up as him best.

Silent Night (2012)

Silent Night (2012)

First of all, nobody likes remakes. Secondly, I have a phobia of masks (more so IRL, but I still hate this image and keep scrolling by it and inserted it into this post at the last minute). This is awful.

Jim Carrey playing The Grinch in How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Due to Ace Venture: Pet Detective, Liar Lair and (prior to developing the mask phobia) The Mask, I have a huge soft spot for Jim Carrey. Nevertheless, I found this to be one of the most disturbing costumes on the planet–especially when you consider how awesome the original cartoon and book are. The only reason this isn’t considered “the worst” is before the Santa in Silent Night murders a bunch of people.

Santa and Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

Oh Sandy Claws, you were shockingly susceptible to a protagonist with a BMI of -9. Plus, while I’m all about claymation, it’s possibly the least sexy material for a character to be made out of. I mean, any material besides “human person parts” is the least sexy material for a character to be made out of, but still. My point stands.

Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (2003)

Bad Santa (2003)

Billy Bob Thornton is one of those people who’s hot in theory but would probably talk about jizz on the first date. At least, that is how I saw him after this character, Willie T. Stokes. While Stokes is a total creep, he does wind up being a pleasant enough guy in the end, so it’s hard not to elevate his status a little bit on this list.

Santa in Elf (2003)

Elf (2003)

Unattractive by association, sorry Santa. You’re a nice guy, but I’m just not that into you or Will Ferrell. (Mainly the latter, so I suggest you ditch the baggage, bud.)

Santa in Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Miracle On 34th Street (1947)

Not only are you a total classic, Mr. Claus, you’re also a pretty swell guy. I wouldn’t necessarily want to date you, but we could totally go for drinks on the Lower East Side.

The Santa Clause (1994)

The Santa Clause (1994)

I’ve always had a weird thing for Tim Allen. Perhaps it’s his invariably friendly–albeit a little confused–facial expression or my childhood obsession with Home Improvement, but this character was all up in white collar crime. He not only startled the original Santa to death, he then assumed his identity. Who doesn’t love a risk taker?

Speaking of which, you all really need to check out what would happen if The Santa Clause had actually been a heartstopping thriller. Don’t. Put on. The suit.

Ben Affleck as Santa Claus in Reindeer Games (2000)

Reindeer Games (2000)

I know, I know–this movie was awful. And Ben Affleck was awful in it. But it’s hard to deny that he looks damn good in a red suit, eh? Perhaps I’m biased because I regularly have dreams about he and I partaking in completely arbitrary, uneventful activities together, which appeals to me in some strange way.

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    Ben Affleck makes such a cute santa!

  • Charmless

    Uh. I totally once had a dream that Ben Affleck and I bought sheets. I suppose it’s not completely arbitrary and uneventful, seeing as I’m sure we were going to put those sheets to good use had I not woken up, but still… being at Pottery Barn with Ben Affleck. WTF, brain?