Remember when Mr. Rogers used to sing “These are the People in Your Neighborhood”? It seemed normal until I spent a couple years in the workplace, and now I just wonder why none of those people were drunk.
If you have an office holiday party, be prepared to see all your normal coworkers in a new light. Here are 8 people you’re guaranteed to meet at your office holiday party.
The Fun CEO
With a couple drinks and no podium around, your old CEO becomes cool and friendly and wants to know all about you. Tell them a cool factlet about yourself—experience abroad is often good—then get them talking about their kids. They love that and in the morning will remember you as an intelligent and interesting person. (This only applies if your CEO is old and established. If your CEO and company are young, your CEO will be schmoozing as hard as possible and you will probably not have to do more than smile and raise a glass in his or her general direction.)
The Begrudging Spouse
Someone at the party was important enough to warrant a guest, but that guest doesn’t really want to be here. You’ll spot this slightly underdressed spectre sitting on things that aren’t chairs and generally trying to stay out of everyone’s way. You can maybe talk to this person about books, but he or she doesn’t really care.
The Guest of a Guest Photographer
If you work for a cool media company, you might have a blog photographer at your holiday party. Try to get in front of that camera and look responsible and not drunk, and make sure to stand next to famous people if at all possible. It’s OK to go through and tag yourself in the photos tomorrow. This is probably the best thing you can do for your career this year.
The Lovey Boss
After a few drinks, this boss loves you more than anything in the world and won’t stop telling everybody. This is great. Make a mental note to ask for a promotion in the near future, and definitely friend this boss on LinkedIn.
The Jaded Senior Employee
This person was once an idealistic young thing like you, but an endless drip of small disappointments has made her snarky. “I can’t believe my job is e-stalking Kim Kardashian!” she’ll say. Stick with this person. She’s funny when she’s bitter and has cool dirt on everyone, and she’s actually great for career advice.
The Good Old Days Guy
If your company has been around any amount of time, it probably had good old days. Someone remembers them and cannot wait to regale you of the time when your workplace would have been cool. If your company is really old, this can be extra fun. “You know who you went to for all the drugs in the old days? The CEO’s assistant! Man, she had hook-ups for everything!”
“Are you talking about my mom?” the new sales associate asks. The Good Old Days Guy will laugh it off, but he was totally talking about that guy’s mom.
The Rich Intern
This 19-year-old’s rich dad is buddies with your rich CEO, so this Louis Vuitton-wearing guy is your new BFF for the next three months. He thinks he’s a mogul and his life goal is to be a Rich Kid of Instagram, so he does not give a shit about what is happening at your office. He tells you he is, “kind of a big deal” unironically. He’ll drink you all under the table, then go out and party for a few hours after everyone in the office is dead. He’ll still make it to work in better condition than you tomorrow, because he’s 19.
The Sober Person
Stay the fuck away from this person. They are going to remember everything in the morning and will have done nothing embarrassing to dwell over.