I’m kind of a nail polish junkie. There are times when I paint my nails several times a day, which many people would find incredibly frustrating but I find positively relaxing. On days where I do not want to get out of sweats and my hair looks like several generations of birds have made it their home, it’s comforting to know that at least my nails look pretty damn good.
Alas, this endless cycle of paint-remove-repeat means that I go through bottles of polish pretty quickly, so I tend to purchase a serious amount of nail polish. I’m all about trying the latest nail polish trends — I still stand by the fact that I brought the shattered nail polish look to my college, which is probably not completely true but whatever — but even I have been surprised by some of the latest polishes posing as trendy. Here are some of the worst nail polishes that I’ve purchased recently.
This textured polish — which, as the ad suggests, is supposed to resemble caviare — goes on thick and goopy and is the most disappointed I have ever been in a nail polish since… ever. The bottle has “highly texturized matte glitter” with “flashes of holographics” which should make it look pretty and luxe but instead gives your nails the appearance of having been dipped in black tar. If you want your nails to feel like sandpaper and your friends to question why your nails look like they are growing fungus, by all means, please purchase Belugaria.
Speckled Pink, Maybelline
I really liked the version of this polish from Maybelline’s Color Show PolkaDots collection — which featured a clear nail polish that was heavily saturated with matte black and white glitter flecks — and was totally bummed to realize that the pink version of it was a total fail. You’ll need about five coats of this color in order to get an opaque pink, at which point the flecks will be all but covered by the color which was pretty hideous to begin with. Sigh. I would definitely recommend the Clearly Spotted color from this collection, perhaps over a vibrant red for a Queen of Hearts-esque nail look.
A Piers To Be Tan, OPI
This is part of OPI’s San Francisco collection, hence the stupid name (get it, San Francisco has a PIER, this is a TAN COLOR…) Maybe this color just clashes with my skin tone, but I also don’t know whose skin tone in would look particularly great on. It’s not exactly brown or orange and, despite what the name suggests, it most certainly is not what most people would describe as “tan”, unless you’re counting the over-toasted tone of Tan Mom’s skin.
Another textured polish similar — but somehow not as gross — in effect to Essie’s Belugaria, this “liquid sand” polish wants to turn your nails into gritty black sandpaper. This is a part of the Mariah Carey 2013 Christmas Collection, but I can’t imagine Mariah Carey ever putting this formula on her own talons — err, nails.
Pretty Edgy, Essie
This is actually not a new color, per se, but it is new to me, so I included it on this list. Since it’s the holidays, I thought that it might be appropriate to purchase a green in case the desire to ever paint tiny Christmas trees on my nails ever springs up. I made the mistake of painting each one of my finger nails with this green, and the result was way more Wicked Witch of the West than I would ever like to see on my nails. While I’m a huge fan of mint green polish all day, every day, this color will make your nails appear to be nauseous. And that’s just not a good look, you know what I mean?