‘Helpful’ Holiday Dating Tips Guaranteed To Leave You Lonely For New Years

Did you know there were Christmas themed dating tips? Of course you didn’t, because that’s crazy. But there are! And according to various purveyors of wisdom insanity online, if you don’t follow these tips you will be sad and alone for the new year, with just your wine and 16 cats for company. And nothing is worse than being alone, amirite? Not world hunger, not war. NOTHING.

“I don’t have time for things like Google or reading, Frances, I have a man to catch! What are these incredibly important tips!” Have no fear! I’m here to help. Below are the most ridiculous helpful Christmas tips I’ve found online. Because when else but during the holidays are you going to bag a beau?

1. Nothing is more sexy than dough…

holiday dating tips

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This gem comes from the dating experts at “VirtuousWomanDating.com“…

You could also invite your partner over and bake cakes together. Mixing the dough together will allow you to spend some fun time together. Cakes in the shape of a heart sprinkled with snowflakes using coffee filters will only heighten the romance between the two of you.

Hollywood romance movies called, they want their cheesy premise back.

2. Romance with a side of frostbite

holiday dating tips

Your date after a sexy, sexy winter picnic (Image: Wolf Suit)

According to SubliminalPersuasionBook.com, Christmas is the best time of year to take a picnic. But only if you live in a cold climate, for some reason:

Christmas time is always the coldest time of the year. And with the cold comes the need for tons of snuggles. What better way to bank on the cold nights and get all snuggly than on a night picnic to go stargazing?

Whats a few lost fingers and toes amongst lovers?

3. Don’t get drunk, you drunky lush

holiday dating tips

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Dr. Christie Hartman, Phd, actually starts out with some sound advice, then veers into judgey McJudgerson territory:

There’s food, drink, and general merriment – what better time to meet someone? Go to every soiree at your disposal, have the attitude that you want to have fun, and dress in your finest duds. Even if you don’t meet someone, you’ll enjoy yourself. One warning: don’t drink too much. Drunkenness isn’isn’t sexy and does little to get you dates.

The emphasis is mine, but the judgement is all Hartman’s. Of course, I’m not recommending that you get blasted at every holiday party you attend. Your liver would be pretty pissed at me for that, I think. But the overall tone of “have fun, but not too much fun,” just rubs me the wrong way. I do (and drink) what I want (*Cartman Voice, obv*).

4. Accept All holiday invitations…ALL OF THEM

This tip comes from our friends at Jdate.com:

Make a point of getting out of your comfort zone and attend whatever holiday functions come your way. There is no time better than the holiday season for meeting new people, networking, and making new acquaintances. During the holidays, most people are welcoming and full of cheer

Remember that “fun” sounding “office” party your creepy neighbor invited you to? You know, the guy who works from home? Yup, even THAT party, or you’ll be an awful party pooper, and nobody likes that.

5. Don’t be an easy holiday slutbag, you slag!

Ah, Huffington Post, you really know how to warm a girl’s heart:

One of the best pieces of advice I can give when trying to attract the opposite sex… is to be hard to get, not play hard to get. For example, every man and woman wants someone who is confident and independent, not needy. We want to feel as though winning the prize of this new person’s affection inherently speaks to the fact we are special.

So make sure to keep those legs closed, ladies. If you don’t, then he might not feel SPECIAL. And really, isn’t that all that matters this holiday season? Of course it is.

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    • Kaitlin Reilly

      #2. People keep making me go outside in the winter under the guise of romance and I just don’t understand it.

      • elle

        This totally cracked me up because I so agree! I live in Utah so I’m outside a lot and there is nothing sexy or romantic about how sweaty you get, how dirty you by, or how much you are complaining about your quads/hamstrings/triceps burning. Or how cold a night picnic is…..

    • Joanna Rafael

      These are the worst. If I have to sprinkle heart shaped cakes with some loser, I’d better be hammered and about to get laid. Anyone who wants to take you on a stargazing winter-picnic is a murderer.