• Mon, Dec 23 - 4:00 pm ET

Idiotic Cosmo Dude Tells Us What All Guys Want In Bed (All Of Them)

cosmo surpriseSome duder named Frank Kobola knows what boys like. He knows what guys want…all guys. The altruistic spokesman for men shares the “6 Things All Guys Want In Bed” with Cosmopolitan readers. Finally, a guide on how to do sex for his pleasure.

Let’s go over a few samples from his guide on how to make men not hate having sex with you so that you don’t have to die alone:

1. We want you to talk dirty.

It’s not like you need to narrate everything that’s happening, but you’d be surprised what a few well-placed dirty words can do to a guy. Not everyone is comfortable doing this, but there’s no need to venture too far out of your comfort zone. Words and phrases like “wet,” “feels so good,” and “harder” can still work wonders. Just don’t get too clinical: “I can confirm your penis is inside my vagina” isn’t going to do it for anyone.

Some people are really into dirty talk. Cool for them, but I take issue with dirty talk for the sake of dirty talk. Once I had a jerky dude respond to me saying something he was doing to my crotch felt good with a rude “of course it feels good, I’m rubbing your clit.” No, not “of course it feels good” because it might not feel good. I said so not because I wanted to arouse anyone just by mumbling erotically, but because I wanted him to know that the specific action felt good and to keep doing it. Telling someone to just say naughty things takes the meaning out of the filth. Dirty talk is totally A+, but only do it if you mean it.

On to another way to make boys like you by sexually pleasing them:

4. We want to be surprised.

I’ll admit, some guys can be intimidated if you start pulling out vibrators out from underneath the mattress in the middle of sex. But throwing some new things in there to shake up your lovemaking is really never a bad idea. You can even make the sex itself a surprise: jump your significant other in the hallway or on the stairs and just turn it into a sex session. Moments like that, where you can’t control yourself and just have to have us are always appreciated. Introducing some costumes, his-and-her lubricants, toys, and role-playing can also work. Just keep in mind that some of this stuff is outside of people’s comfort zones. Make sure you know what your guy likes before you bust out the latex nun outfit and rubber fist.

This one is rich, but I want to focus on this one gem of a sentence: “You can even make the sex itself a surprise: jump your significant other in the hallway or on the stairs and just turn it into a sex session.” All I have to say to that is “get consent” and not just for that latex nun outfit he mentioned. Surprises and trying new things are fun, but costumes and sex toys are really different from sneak attacks. My lovely co-worker Frances put it this way: “There’s a word for surprise sex. It’s not sex.”

Next universally beloved sex behavior:

6. We want you to feed us pizza.

This one might just be me, but I have a feeling it isn’t.

Wait…that’s actually a good tip, but that’s something everyone wants in bed, not just guys.

Read the rest of the sex tips here. Seriously, this list is one men’s button down away from being a Cosmo classic. As shitty as the magazine and website have been for so long, I was expecting better than this. Cosmopolitan is after all, allegedly such a feminist rag that it might as well be a sanitary napkin.

Image via Shutterstock

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  • Kaitlin Reilly

    Stair sex. So very dangerous.

  • Charmless

    *ahem*

    2. We want you to take control sometimes.

    AW GEE THANKS! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF YOUR PERMISSION TO “SOMETIMES” HAVE AGENCY OVER MY BODY AND THE SEX YOU ARE DOING TO IT! YOU ARE SO KIND.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      hats off forever.

    • Muggle

      This is why I rolled my eyes SO hard when Cosmo tried to convince us all it was feminist. It runs so much shit like this, like sex is all about teh menz.

  • Julia Sonenshein

    I love when Cosmo runs this drivel because I just want to talk about it with you.

  • JennyWren

    Has anyone ever had “jumping” someone really backfire? I mean, as has already been pointed out, stair sex is pretty dangerous if your footing isn’t completely secure. What if your jump-ee is carrying something delicate in his pocket, like a hard-boiled egg? What happens if they’re carrying a brand-new laptop? What if they’ve just heard their uncle died?
    I think spontaneous sex (lord, spare us from “surprise” sex, please) always sounds so much better in theory than in practice. Between people being too tired, not in the mood, or just really, really needing to pee first, I think there’s a reason most people generally wait until everyone’s in bed or on a comfy couch.

    • …her?

      I can’t tell you how many times I have jumped my boyfriend while he had eggs in his pocket.

  • You’re ridiculous

    So… you basically agreed to each and every one of these “idiotic” suggestions. What was the point of this article, exactly? I really can’t stand women like you who turn every little thing, no matter how clearly SARCASTIC and turn it into an attack on all women. Clearly the “jumping” part was a joke, no need to get all worked up. Have you read other articles by Frank Kobola? Probably not, because he’s actually a pretty hilarious and sensible dude. I’m very aware of certain male bloggers publishing their sexist dribble across the internet that completely objectify women and, sure, it’s disgusting- but you can’t just tear apart every man’s point of view for the sake of “feminism.”

  • TexanForever

    … I advocate no surprises, just a no-pressure build-up of closeness and anticipation. I learned long ago that pleasuring your lady is the ultimate reward, even if it means not completing your own orgasm. I once surprised a grad class partner with whom I had achieved close rapport with an intense oral climax. When I asked afterward why she was so tearful she explained it was the first time she had ever climaxed with a man and was both surprised and delighted to discover she wasn’t total lezzy. A real shocker to me, as I had never suspected. I hadn’t the heart to request she go any further just then and left her apartment sans my own climax, but thoroughly satisfied and happy for her self discovery. We never got together again because I had accepted employment out of state. That session was one of the high points of my sex life.