• Wed, Dec 25 - 10:30 am ET

5 Holiday Things That Are Supposed To Get You Laid, But Probably Won’t (And 3 That Will!)

christmas-sex

I personally don’t associate Christmas with sex—for me, it’s much more about cookies, getting drunk, and singing carols—but I’m learning I’m in the minority on that. After all, there are quite a few holiday things that are supposed to help you get it on amidst all the tinsel and candy canes. Here are five things that conventional wisdom says should be heating up your loins (but which I am skeptical about) accompanied by three things that might actually get you into bed.

1. Eggnog

eggnog

Do people really get drunk off of eggnog? Do people really drink eggnog? There must be some explanation as to why this disgusting drink is associated with Christmas debauchery, but I really can’t figure out why. It tastes like holiday glue.

2. Mistletoe

mistletoe

Maybe I have a limited range of experience at holiday parties, but I’ve never actually seen anyone kiss under the mistletoe. I choose to believe the custom of mistletoe lip-locking was manufactured many decades ago by a soothsayer who foresaw how helpful mistletoe would be in getting hapless couples together in holiday-themed ABC Family romantic comedies. That’s its entire reason for existing.

3. Roaring Fires

fireplace

People are always making thoughtful, passionate love on the floor in front of roaring fires, at least in Lifetime movies and TV shows. I guess we’re supposed to feel like the warmth of a fireplace is sexy? But also….ouch.

4.  Sexy Santa Lingerie/Outfits

sexy-santa

I know this must get some people laid, but I don’t want to think about why.

5. Fancy Jewelry

k-gif

Every kiss begins with Kay, dontcha know? So gifting fancy jewelry to a lady should beget a kiss which should then beget some sex. Except I don’t think it’s actually that simple, especially for us who wouldn’t actually want a Kay Jewelers infinity loop diamond or whatever that weird shape they show on the commercials is.

But there are a few things that actually will get you laid!

1. Cabin Fever

the-proposal

There’s a reason why September is the most common month for babies to be born. It’s because people tend to bone over the holidays. Boredom + time off work + cold weather = sex, y’all.

2. The Office Christmas Party

love-actually

Apparently a hefty chunk of people in the UK have admitted to sleeping with a coworker at (or after?) their office Christmas party. So make like Laura Linney in Love Actually and go for it with your hot coworker. Just do not answer your phone mid sexy-time.

3. A Vitamix

Tanner Uncles demonstrates the Vita-Mix by making vegetable soup for the crowd at the Colorado Garden and Home Show in the Colorado Convention Center. Joe Amon, The Denver Post

I would have sex with anyone who got me a Vitamix because that freaking blender sounds like the best thing ever. Just look at how rapt that audience is above!

Photos: Getty Images

GIFs: Tumblr

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    hahahaha, I personally think eggnog is delicious, but it’s so filling and heavy…so not sexy

  • Charmless

    I bruised my tailbone combining cabin fever with a roaring fire. Never bone where two pieces of a sectional meet, especially on a slippery wood floor.