You already know that shopping can be a tumultuous experience on a good day… and you already know that holiday gift-seekers are effing nuts. Will that knowledge stop you from entering into the post-Christmas shopping swarm today? Probably not. Here’s what it’s like trying to brave the mall on Boxing Day!
Whatever number of people you expect to see at the mall, double it. The parking lot becomes the Hunger Games and you’re willing to fight to the death for even the shittiest spot.
Clinging desperately to the last scraps of your Christmas cheer, you try to remind yourself that shopping is fun and that you’re doing this on purpose.
You make sympathetic eye contact with the exhausted employees who have to pretend they’re happy to be refolding sweaters.
You go an hour without seeing anything you want to buy, and when you finally do, the only ones left are broken, ugly colors, or in really unusual sizes.
Or someone else is looking at something you want… and you find yourself trying to use mind control to get them to put it down.
Gotta make a pit stop at the food court. It doesn’t matter that you’ve subsisted off pumpkin pie, coffee, and fudge for the last two weeks. It’s still kind of Christmas time. And it’s always Auntie Anne’s Pretzels time.
You make the colossal mistake of trying on tight jeans right after lunch.
You’re never going to find anything for yourself, but you realize that now would be the perfect time to purchase highly discounted crap to give to the family members you haven’t seen yet.
…But the checkout lines are way too long to be worth it.
Shopping used to be fun. This is not fun. You feel betrayed.
But you know– without a doubt– that you’ll be back doing this all over again next December 26th.
Merry post-Christmas, everybody!