never, ever again want do not particularly desire an outing on New Year’s Eve, I am well aware of how lovely Tuesday night will be for so many people. Or at least, that is what NYE is supposed to be: magical, enchanting, romantic, sparkly.
NYE is that one night a year where you get to wear sequins, get wasted and make out with a random ginger dude on the rooftop of an apartment building that you only kind of know one resident from. If you’re me, then that random ginger dude will turn out to be a complete psychopath who refuses to leave you alone the rest of the evening, presses your head against a cab window, calls your friends assholes because they’re wearing suits, and tries to pay a stranger to beat up one of the aforementioned amigos. In short: it can go so, so very wrong, particularly if you are a poor judge of character.
Even if you are the type who has–so very sensibly, and I respect you a lot for it–refused to have a romantic New Year’s Eve date, your choices say a lot about you and how awesome/not awesome this coming year will be. Well, sort of. They say a lot to me that I will not analyze because I am clearly a professional official doctor of New Year’s Disaster Disorder and you should take my 2014 predictions very, very seriously.