An ultra-planned New Year’s Eve is rarely a perfectly smooth experience,* to say the least, what with wayward dates, freezing temps,Â and wildly crowded bars (and grossly unrealistic expectationsÂ regardingÂ all of those things). But one restaurant franchise thinks you will be willing to spend an exorbitant amount of attending its NYE party because obviously, it is probably your best–if not only–bet. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you theÂ Applebee’s “Night To Remember”Â at its Time’s Square location in New York City.
While you may be imagining streamers made of cheesy bacon-covered potato skins raining down on the heads of patrons, all of whom are wasted from 540-calorie MudslidesÂ and dancing to last year’s B-list hits, Applebee’s will apparently be serving a significantly classier menu than its usual 2-for-$20 deal.Â Wait, no, just kidding–according to NY Post,Â it’ll be a buffet, which is arguably worse, as well as some other crap:
The party, which starts at 8 p.m. and wraps up at midnight, features an extensive buffet, a â€śpremiumâ€ť open bar, a house DJ, a dance floor, plus party favors galore. And for those eager to see the ball drop, the restaurant lets patrons â€śmake their way to the streets of Times Square.â€ť As for the vittles themselves, be prepared for â€śa ton of foodâ€ť (steak and shrimp included) prepared by â€śsome fairly sophisticated culinary people,â€ť says Zane Tankel, who heads up all 38 Applebeeâ€™s restaurants in the New York metro area. Add in the dĂ©cor and â€śyou wouldnâ€™t know you were at an Applebeeâ€™s for that one night,â€ť Tankel says.
They literally do not want you to evenÂ realize you’re in their restaurant. That is how bad they know they are.
Oh, and the price tag? It’s $375. Three-hundred and seventy-five dollars and zero cents. And for kids under 12, who are inexplicably in Time’s Square for New Year’s Eve and planning on attending a dance party with an open bar, it costs $250, Even the trendy–yet entirely too crowded for myÂ curmudgeonly ass–bars around my Lower East Side neighborhood cost hundreds less than that for tickets. But hey, what were any of us expecting from a giant franchise in one of the most obnoxious, stressful areas of the city? And did I mention the whole “Applebee’s doesn’t even cook food” rumor?
To be fair, Applebee’s slogan is “see you tomorrow,” which is the one of the most strikingly boring and self-deprecating phrases for a restaurant that I can think of. They don’t even think you’re interested enough in their food to come in today for dinner, or even a late night post-tequila shot, even-TGI-Fridays-was-closed dessert. Today, in particular, their slogan is unbelievably wrong.
*Unless you play our super special MASH game, obviously.
[H/T The Wire]