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Makeup Inspired By: Child Beauty Pageants, In All Their Creepy Glory

Toddlers & Tiaras

Toddlers & Tiaras

Another year, another “Makeup Inspired By” something I find amusing, amazing and/or oddly appealing. Today, the topic is inspired by Lifetime‘s new show Kim of Queens, which follows former Miss Georgia Kim Gravel as she scouts new talent for the child beauty pageant circuit and attempts to, uh, refine girls considered less-than-conventionally pageant-worthy. Because young women don’t have nearly enough self-esteem issues, we need to make sure that they not only feel judged on their attractiveness, they feel initially unworthy of even being judged at all!

Logic. Also, Lifetime.

PROVIDENCE, RI - DECEMBER 29: Isabella Barrett prepares for Isabella Barrett's from TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras Reality Weekly Launch Event to benefit her anti-bullying bracelets at the Providence Marriott Downtown Hotel on December 29, 2011 in Providence, Rhode Island. (Photo by Marc Andrew Deley/GettyImages)

Photo: Marc Andrew Deley/GettyImages

Anyway, I decided I might as well do some weird makeup you might find at a child beauty pageant this week in honor of Kim of QueensToddlers & TiarasDance Moms and every other show that ensures we continue glorifying the practice of parading little girls in front of grown ass adults who then rate them and pretend it’s mostly based on personality.

Frank_Reynolds'_Little_Beauties

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Just to be clear, I’m making fun of the ridiculousness of beauty pageants–especially ones involving kids–in this tutorial, not the kids themselves. I’m all about little kids trying out makeup and fooling around with their hair and playing dress up. As a kid, I absolutely loved when my mom would let me use her clear Mary Kay lip gloss and make hilariously tight curls using heated rollers; it was goofy and fun and for my own enjoyment. I just don’t particularly enjoy the idea of so many kids being pushed into getting judged based on criteria involving their looks.

PROVIDENCE, RI - DECEMBER 29: Isabella Barrett prepares for Isabella Barrett's from TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras Reality Weekly Launch Event to benefit her anti-bullying bracelets at the Providence Marriott Downtown Hotel on December 29, 2011 in Providence, Rhode Island. (Photo by Marc Andrew Deley/GettyImages)

Photo: Marc Andrew Deley/GettyImages

So, let’s get started, shall we?

Makeup

Step 0: Start fresh and clean. Your skin will not enjoy what you’re about to do to it, so it’s probably in your best interest to not piss it off prior to applying your foundation paste.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 1: Foundation paste time! Okay, the foundation itself isn’t really the paste; it’s the way you’ll be applying it that will make the difference. Usually, I recommend applying foundation and concealer only in the places you want to even out–blemishes, uneven spots, etcetera–to avoid clogging your pores unnecessarily and to keep your makeup looking more natural.

This time, however, you should be going for an as-fake-as-possible look (let’s just call that “AFAP”). Apply foundation all over. All over. It’s okay if it’s not perfectly in your skin tone; you need to look borderline plastic. Scratch that–look straight-up plastic. Remember the little Kelly doll that was just Barbie’s mini-me? This is your role model now.

Ta-da! I used L’Oreal Paris True Match Super-Blendable Makeup in Porcelain W1Tarte Maracuja Creaseless Concealer in Fair, and Shiseido Translucent Loose Powder.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 2: Bronzer and blush! Looking for a natural glow? LOLnah, you need to look like you’re competing with Santa for the Rosiest Of Them All title. Sweep a bunch of matte bronzer like Too Faced Bronzed & Poreless Pore Perfecting Bronzer underneath your cheekbones.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Then, apply some obnoxiously pink blush like Tarte‘s in Lighthearted. Focus on the apples of your cheeks with the blush; you want to look like you’re simultaneously embarrassed and very, very chilly. However much blush you think you should put on, put on like 3 layers more.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 3: Now for your eyes! Blending particularly well is overrated, so just gratuitously apply eyeshadow all over your lids, sweeping it outward. I used a pale pink frosty shadow from Tarte called Steph’s Pearls, then added another pink frosty shadow using CoverGirl Flamed Out Shadow Pencil in Hot-Pink Flame. I then took two darker frosty shadows, Tarte‘s Jess’ Storybook and Bordeaux, and applied them in the crease.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 4: Make your eyes look unnaturally enormous using too much on top, then a thick line halfway across the bottom. In elementary school musicals, they tell you this will make your eyes look larger; in reality, you will look ridiculous. I picked an aqua green, Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil in Mainline, because black is just boring. Then, apply entirely too many coats of black mascara (I picked Tarte Lights, Camera, Lashes!).

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

I also drew on my eyebrows all sorts of thick.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 5: Apply frosted lipstick (in this case, I used CoverGirl Flamed Out Shadow Pencil in Red-Hot Flame) in an exaggerated fashion. It’s almost like you don’t have lips, so a 4-year-old painted them on for you the way she saw in her Muppet coloring book.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Step 6: Add highlighter, like Napoleon Perdis Auto Pilot Radiance-Boosting Primer, on cheekbones, under brow bones, on the Cupid’s Bow and on the bridge of the nose. It’s like stage lights are coming out of your f’ing face.

And voila! So much makeup. All over.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Hair

After washing my hair, I spritzed White Sands UnderCover Styling Spray all over, then used a little bit of Redken Diamond Hair Oil Treatment on my ends. I curled my hair using a curling wand (specifically, the really cheap Conair kind from Duane Reade). I brushed out the curls and swept them to the side, then made a stupid face with my dimples.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

Nails

Naturally, I went glittery. I know what you’re thinking–glitter is kind of the devil.

I did not go so glittery that it will rub off on my keyboard and I’ll be miserable for months to come, but enough that it looks like I dipped my fingers in fairy dust. I picked Morgan Taylor Professional Nail Lacquer in Mint Chocolate Chip (i.e. the best, most appealing color/flavor ever), painting on two coats per nail. Then I used Jesse’s Girl JulieG Textured Nail Color in Silver along the tips. I’ve always had fairly shaky hands, so I’m certain the rest of you could’ve done this better than I, but then again, if an 8-year-old were trying to do this for herself, it would probably come out approximately the same as mine.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

I tried my best to replicate those awkwardly vacant expressions kids are made up, coached, and photoshopped into having for their head shots, but I think it just came off as…awkward.

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

But this is my true pageant face…

Check out our ridiculous, over-the-top child pageant makeup tutorial!

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  • Jenni

    WHERE ARE YOUR PRETTY FEET

    • Limsky

      Look up top theres a couple of fuzzy feet there

  • elle

    A) I am pretty sure I have found my 2014 halloween costume (seriously) so I’m definitely bookmarking this page and B) I hate you a little huz even though you look ridic you are still so dang pretty.

  • Lindsey Conklin

    ahh the pictures in this are awesome!!! and yuck, I hate this idea of child beauty pageants, too!! no child should be that aware/exposed of body image and appearance so young..plus, all kids are beautiful…so creepy.

  • tink

    things you forgot
    1 spray tan all over!
    2 fake lashes
    3 Rhinestones
    4 extra hair piece
    5 ridiculous outfits
    But you do look very very pretty and fancy!

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Aghhhh I hate fake eyelashes so much, they make my eyes all annoyed. :( BUT YES. Rhinestones. And hair feathers. And perhaps a sequin dress from Wet Seal…

    • Muggle

      Or a cheap Halloween costume covered in glitter. Bonus points if it has “Sexy” on the package.

    • Samantha_Escobar

      It will presumably be from Leg Avenue and involve this pose:

      http://www.starstyle.com/leg-avenue-treasure-hunt-pirate-costume-pic32862.jpg

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      You will pry my Wet Seal sequined dress from my cold, dead, tacky hands! LOL

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      You are so damn adorable!

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Also, the “flipper” aka fake teeth that look ridiculously fake!

    • adamfox

      Oh and of course having an aggressively grinning mother wearing almost identical makeup standing in the background.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      This will not be happening until I visit Sam and then it’s On like http://media.giphy.com/media/5F4J8szYPEUgg/giphy.gif

    • Samantha_Escobar

      Omg that is the most intimidating GIF I have ever seen.

      I like it.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter
    • Tinyfaeri

      That’s the best thing I’ve seen all day. Possibly all week. No, I had doughnuts for breakfast on the 1st. But since then!

  • marykellogg

    Looks like average Texas every day make-up to me.

  • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

    This is the best. tutorial. ever. Hilarious! And your nails look awesome.

  • ktree

    That Kelly doll – yikes,

  • Lenora Pentecost-Bratton

    LOL ngl that’s not too far from my every day look! But then again, I don’t really care about looking natural or anything.

  • Humphrey Bugoy

    Looks more like make up inspired by a mortician

    • Samantha_Escobar

      I am a fan of morticians so I choose to take this as a compliment! Except that embalming part. Really ruins the pores.

    • Fuzzy ‘n Broken Mirror

      IKR? I went for the full mummy look once too!

    • Eggonidas

      LOL

    • Limsky

      not that you look like a corpse just the make up part lol

    • Eggonidas

      ^^^Smooth talker alert^^^

  • Eggonidas

    Those little pageant girls are CREEPY!

  • Kay_Sue

    Nailed it.

  • http://elantresses.blogspot.com/ Tina Beanie

    The top photo is not from Toddlers & Tiaras, but from a HBO documentary on child pageants called Living Dolls: The making of a child beauty queen. It was made around 2000-2001. That little girl was the star of the show. Her name is Swan Brooner. She was dressed as a holiday barbie in that picture. It’s a horribly fascinating watch if you ever get a chance to see it, I recommend. It really takes you inside that world. I think you can find it in parts on youtube if you look up the title. Her mother, Robin, who is now deceased terrified the crap out of me!!!

  • RW

    So much love for this.