• Sat, Jan 4 - 2:31 pm ET

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Agonizing New Year Detox Diet Will Make You Cry

gwyneth-paltrow-detox-diet

If you’re ever feeling low, just read one of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s detox diets. The knowledge that you don’t have to eat like that will perk you right up and make the world seem bright and sunny again. Gwyneth’s diets are enough to bring a grown woman to tears, but you don’t have to eat like that because you are a grown-ass woman and Gwyneth Paltrow can’t tell you what to do.

According to The Daily Mail, this year Gwyneth shared a “Warming Winter Detox” on Goop. She worked with Dr. Alejandro Junger, author of Clean Gut, to create “detox recipes that won’t leave you feeling cold and hungry during the winter months.”

They might, however, make you weep more than any movie Gwyneth Paltrow has ever been in.

According to Dr. Junger:

Winter throws us a few challenges as far as detoxing goes: we are more hungry in cold weather and we need a certain internal temperature to function as mammals, which requires consuming more energy. But when we eat more and keep our bodies in continual digesting mode, we lose energy for other necessary functions and for our immune systems, which make us more vulnerable to getting sick.

The cleanse banishes “dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”

On the first day, a cleanser wakes at 7 and has a glass of room temperature water with lemon. An hour later, a cup of herbal tea is consumed. At 10 a.m., you can have a dairy-free Chai Gingerbread Shake. That sounds tasty, but if I go three hours after waking up without food or coffee I’m pretty sure I’ll turn into the Hulk.

At 11:30 you can choose between hot water with lemon or more tea. At 1:30, chickpea soup, and Gwyneth’s chickpea soup is basically chickpeas floating in lemon water, not the hearty chickpea puree you’re probably imagining.

At 4 p.m., one gets a snack of lentil pâté.

Now I love a good lentil, but the words “lentil pate” are sad. Like, Old Yeller sad. Lentil soup, lentil salad – awesome. Lentil pâté? That’s just making me think of all the actually good pâté being eaten by people who aren’t being told what to do by Gwyneth Paltrow.

For dinner, you get some quinoa-stuffed kabocha.

Kabocha squash is great, but remember you are getting no butter during this cleanse, and you’re only getting a quarter of that kabocha, because the recipe serves 4 and calls for one kabocha squash and one cup of quinoa.

“A kabocha and a cup of quinoa? That sounds pretty good!” my husband said when I described the recipe to him.

“The recipe serves four people,” I clarified.

“Four people!?” he exclaimed. “So what you’re saying is I have just eaten a week’s worth of Gwyneth Paltrow’s food.”

To keep warm during the cleanse, Gwyneth recommends saunas and organic wool socks. To keep from getting hungry, you might want to eat the socks. After reading this menu, they’re starting to sound filling and delicious.

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Samantha_Escobar

    “Now I love a good lentil, but the words “lentil pate” are sad. Like, Old Yeller sad.”

    bahahaha

  • VSuraceent1783

    мʏ ƈօ-աօʀĸɛʀ’ѕ ѕтɛք-αυɴт мαĸɛѕ $75/нօυʀ օɴ тнɛ ƈօмքυтɛʀ. ѕнɛ нαѕ вɛɛɴ ғιʀɛɖ ғʀօм աօʀĸ ғօʀ 9 мօɴтнѕ вυт ʟαѕт мօɴтн нɛʀ ιɴƈօмɛ աαѕ $16815 ʝυѕт աօʀĸιɴɢ օɴ тнɛ ƈօмքυтɛʀ ғօʀ α ғɛա нօυʀѕ. ɢɛт ʀɛɖιʀɛƈтɛɖ нɛʀɛ fox200&#46com

  • Kate

    So basically this is Doctor recommended anorexia? Greeeeeat.

  • Lulu

    I will get flamed to death. But I am on this detox right now. I do it every January. It works fine. I don’t starve. I’m on it for 3 weeks…not the rest of my life. And I lose my holiday cookie pounds and regain my energy. Sometimes you have to employ a little self discipline. You don’t get hungry if you plan ahead…supplement with some protein shakes…and get used to eating real food instead of instant-gratification-from-the-bag food. I am a real person. I like cookies and corn chips and cake and caffeine. I gain weight between October and January when we have holidays, birthdays and extra social events. Instead of letting it pile up on me, I consider the January detox the other side of the coin. So I nip my weight gain in the bud and jump start good eating habits for the rest of the year (until October hits again!) That is all that is happening here.

    • Kelly

      I’m not meaning to nitpick but there’s a huge difference between following this diet and following a similar diet with some protein shakes thrown in. LOL Those protein shakes make an enormous difference. It’s a good difference but it’s still huge.

      I do a mostly liquid diet cleanse too but it’s a hell of a lot better than Paltrow’s starvation diet.

  • I Like Pizza

    This recipe will change your mind about lentil pate: http://community.cookinglight.com/archive/index.php/t-107924.html

  • Lindsey Conklin

    Super glad I’m not Gwyneth. That sounds miserable.

  • G.E. Phillips

    “dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”

    Ok, so there’s some disconnect here, because if these are the main rules, why couldn’t you eat eggs (unless they’re considered dairy, but…no) poultry, beef, salmon and other non-shellfish sea creatures, rice, avacados, big green salads, apples, oranges, berries, nuts, etc. Why are you only limited to chic peas, squash and quinoa?
    Detox is one thing. Starvation is another.
    *finishes lunch of chicken, avacado and quinoa salad. Contemplates second cup of coffee. Gives picture of Gwyneth the finger*

    • Kelly

      It’s because she has serious food issues. I follow most of those rules every day and I eat a wide variety of healthy foods, not just hot lemon water and lentils.

      Her “diets” have always made me cringe. They remind me of when I was deep in the throes of anorexia. I hate to label someone I don’t personally know as anorexic but goddamn… she makes it pretty obvious.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      I think she’s vegan, too…right? So that complicates it. Unless I missed where something in here was non-vegan (which is entirely possible).

    • pnn

      GE Phillips. You are not getting a full picture of the detox.The author has chose to make it seem really bad… and all this negativity with out even trying it. If you actually look at the menu. The shakes have almond butter and protein powder, dinner include poached salmon and chicken options as well as the squash ( which i had last night and we quite filling) People are saying its a starvation diet or its 300 calories…which it is not. I mean the shakes alone prob have that many calories. This also isn’t ment to be a forever plan- just a 3-5 day detox.

    • G.E. Phillips

      I appreciate your insight, but I don’t need convincing. This diet seems unnecessary, if not unhealthy, to me. But we can agree to disagree.

  • Elizabeth

    1. I want to play the game where we all listen to the schmience that says eggplants and tomatoes are bad for you, and whoever keeps a straight face for the longest wins.

    2. Lentil pate reminds me of the time I had to eat (and pretend to enjoy) lentil “meat”balls at my cousin’s house. I love lentils, but come on. That’s just silly.

    • G.E. Phillips

      That’s the reason why I can’t take hardcore Paleos too seriously. In what world are brown rice, lentils, chic peas and quinoa bad for you?

  • Rachel Sea

    That is not safe. Either the “doctor” is a quack, or…no, actually, I can’t think of anything else. The doctor must be a quack.

    • Anne Marie Hawkins

      The idea of a “clean gut” alone sounds pretty worthy of a side-eye.

    • Rachel Sea

      Unless you have diverticulitis or something, your gut is self cleaning. A yogurt, a nap, and a walk can cure most of what ails you.

      And please, “detox”? If you have toxins that aren’t being cleared already, then you need rehab, and dialysis, not lentils.

    • Anne Marie Hawkins

      A-fucking-men.

  • logica

    This looks like a starvation diet, where you loose weight by eating like 500 calories a day. It is not healthy no matter how many fancy and expensive “health foods” it calls for. Going on diets like this can actually make you gain more weight later on because your body literally thinks you are starving to death and will try to store up more fat once you start eating again.

  • ShariB

    I’m one of the healthiest eaters I know and a fitness & health professional…and this wouldn’t satisfy me for one meal! How can any have the energy to do anything..let alone stay warm…with this pile of less-than-snack food? This is a disgrace.

  • AB

    I was
    originally searching for reviews about her winter detox. I actually started the cleanse yesterday and was amazed by
    the ingredients that were filled with many calories, fat, and sodium. On
    the surface it sounds like you’re eating nothing… the chickpea soup – I get
    it … but the shakes – 1/2 cup of heavy coconut cream, along with 2 TBSP
    almond butter and cocoa and protein powder… that’s upwards of 500 calories
    and 40 grams of fat alone… I am confused why all reviews say this is a 300
    calorie diet. The chicken and broccoli meal has 1 TBSP oil, 1/4 cup (!!)
    soy sauce, and sesame seeds … before adding the chicken you’re already up to
    about 200 calories and more sodium than I would think a detox would suggest.

    The irony is I was so confused by the nutritional
    content being so incredibly ‘un-diet’ that I just got online to see what other
    posts were noting about the detox – only seeing endless posts about it being
    300 calories… which is NOT the case – at all – if following the recipes.
    Hmmm… maybe this is an awful scene of Mean Girls and I got the ‘Kalteen
    Bar’ recipes. I am hoping you can lend light and maybe I just am
    reading something wrong.