If you’re ever feeling low, just read one of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s detox diets. The knowledge that you don’t have to eat like that will perk you right up and make the world seem bright and sunny again. Gwyneth’s diets are enough to bring a grown woman to tears, but you don’t have to eat like that because you are a grown-ass woman and Gwyneth Paltrow can’t tell you what to do.
According to The Daily Mail, this year Gwyneth shared a “Warming Winter Detox” on Goop. She worked with Dr. Alejandro Junger, author of Clean Gut, to create “detox recipes that won’t leave you feeling cold and hungry during the winter months.”
They might, however, make you weep more than any movie Gwyneth Paltrow has ever been in.
Winter throws us a few challenges as far as detoxing goes: we are more hungry in cold weather and we need a certain internal temperature to function as mammals, which requires consuming more energy. But when we eat more and keep our bodies in continual digesting mode, we lose energy for other necessary functions and for our immune systems, which make us more vulnerable to getting sick.
The cleanse banishes “dairy, gluten, shellfish, anything processed (including all soy products), nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant), condiments, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and soda.”
On the first day, a cleanser wakes at 7 and has a glass of room temperature water with lemon. An hour later, a cup of herbal tea is consumed. At 10 a.m., you can have a dairy-free Chai Gingerbread Shake. That sounds tasty, but if I go three hours after waking up without food or coffee I’m pretty sure I’ll turn into the Hulk.
At 11:30 you can choose between hot water with lemon or more tea. At 1:30, chickpea soup, and Gwyneth’s chickpea soup is basically chickpeas floating in lemon water, not the hearty chickpea puree you’re probably imagining.
At 4 p.m., one gets a snack of lentil pâté.
Now I love a good lentil, but the words “lentil pate” are sad. Like, Old Yeller sad. Lentil soup, lentil salad – awesome. Lentil pâté? That’s just making me think of all the actually good pâté being eaten by people who aren’t being told what to do by Gwyneth Paltrow.
For dinner, you get some quinoa-stuffed kabocha.
Kabocha squash is great, but remember you are getting no butter during this cleanse, and you’re only getting a quarter of that kabocha, because the recipe serves 4 and calls for one kabocha squash and one cup of quinoa.
“A kabocha and a cup of quinoa? That sounds pretty good!” my husband said when I described the recipe to him.
“The recipe serves four people,” I clarified.
“Four people!?” he exclaimed. “So what you’re saying is I have just eaten a week’s worth of Gwyneth Paltrow’s food.”
To keep warm during the cleanse, Gwyneth recommends saunas and organic wool socks. To keep from getting hungry, you might want to eat the socks. After reading this menu, they’re starting to sound filling and delicious.