10 New Year’s Beauty Resolutions I Intend To Keep This Year

alexa chung eyeliner

I’ve never been much for New Year’s resolutions, but I do have a lot of bad beauty habits left to break. But just resolving not to do things isn’t particularly fun, so this year I’m trying to balance “do” resolutions with “don’t” resolutions, like “don’t sleep in makeup” and “do rub more avocados on your face.”

In that spirit, here are my 10 beauty resolutions to keep this year.

1. Don’t Pick Anything

We all know not to try to pick or pop anything that turns up on our skin. Every magazine has been drilling that information into our heads since we were 10. But it’s so hard to follow! Somewhere out there is a person who can actually see a perfectly poppable pimple show up and keep her hands at her sides. She probably also gets up early and flosses twice a day. In 2014, I intend to be that lady.


2. Sleep On Your Back

Sleeping on one’s back instead of one’s side or stomach is supposed to prevent “sleep wrinkles” that show up from when your face is smooshed on one side for 8 hours a night. I am deeply afraid of getting sleep wrinkles. This resolution is probably doomed, since I have tried to make it happen every single night since 1993 and have never been able to pull it off. I’m going to keep trying, though.


3. Get A Haircut

I actually haven’t had a haircut in 18 months. When I moved to a small town in Germany a year and a half ago, I made sure to stop every cute-haired woman I saw to ask her where she got her hair cut. Every one of them said, “Oh, my mom cuts it.” Or “Paris.” I’m a goddamn grown-up and should be able to schedule a trim on my own. At some point this year I had better figure out how to get a haircut, because I’m starting to look like an angora rabbit.


4. Stop Buying Nail Polish

My nail polish collection is getting ridiculous, and I am not a skilled nail artist. I’m pretty sure I could change my polish every week and still not have to buy a new bottle until 2015.


5. Take Advantage of Duty-Free

Rules go out the window when flying. It is acceptable to drink before 10 a.m. if one is on an airplane, and it is acceptable to buy ridiculously fancy makeup and perfume when one has the opportunity to go through Duty-Free. I’m going to schedule all my international flights through New York, because their Duty-Free shopping is amazing. During 2014 I fully intend to spend every flight drunk by noon and covered in Chanel eyeshadow and Hermès perfume. It’ll be great.


6. Try a Tracy Anderson Workout

I hate Tracy Anderson’s exercise philosophy with a deep, abiding vitriol. Unfortunately, I have a policy against hating things I have not actually tried. In 2014 I must try one of her workouts so I can continue to rail against her idea that a woman should never lift anything over 2 pounds without feeling guilty about it.


7. Take More Selfies

I am skittish about taking photographs. On several occasions I have missed opportunities to have my picture taken with famous and important people because I was worried about looking fat or messy in the picture. That was dumb and I regret it. Maybe taking a ridiculous number of selfies will help me be less squirrelly about appearing in pictures.


8. Master Alexa Chung’s Eyeliner

I can’t have Alexa Chung’s face, body, or bank account, but that little eyeliner flick should be achievable. I commit to sitting down in front of YouTube and not giving up until I have mastered the perfectly insouciant cat-eye flick without screwing them up and having to overcompensate with giant scary raccoon eyes.


9. Beg, Borrow, Or Steal A Clarisonic

I can’t possibly be the only person reading beauty blogs and obsessing over the Clarisonic, can I? All the rich and famous and beautiful people swear it will change everything about your face and make you look just like Miranda Kerr, but they tout lots of products that don’t seem to do anything. (I took fishy hair supplements for a year and did not see any noticeable hair improvement.) Unfortunately, the Clarisonic is over $200, which means it’s awfully expensive for something you’re not sure about. My current plan is to become best friends with Miranda Kerr, have her invite me over to her house, and then use her Clarisonic while she isn’t looking. If I like it, I will be sure to let you guys know.


10. Go to a Dermatologist

If I’m spending all this money on makeup and skin care, I should probably also go to an expert, right? I have good health insurance now, so it’s definitely time to make an appointment to talk to someone about health and vanity issues. “Please make sure I do not have skin cancer! … and while we’re here, do you have any thoughts about my nasolabial folds?”

Share This Post:
    • MerlePerle

      Why should you sleep on your back?

      • Muggle

        It’s supposed to improve posture or something? I don’t know. I actually can’t sleep on my back because of a jaw/neck problem.

      • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

        I heard that it’s good for one’s back and it’s supposed to prevent “sleep wrinkles” that show up from when your face is smooshed on one side for 8 hours a night. Also I’m irrationally convinced that for 8 hours on my back, gravity will be working for my face instead of against it. (I have no real reason to think that.) Still doesn’t work, though. x_x

    • VSuraceent1783

      мʏ ʀօօмαтɛ’ѕ ѕιѕтɛʀ-ιɴ-ʟαա мαĸɛѕ $82 ɛʋɛʀʏ нօυʀ օɴ тнɛ ʟαքтօք. ѕнɛ нαѕ вɛɛɴ ғιʀɛɖ ғօʀ ѕɛʋɛɴ мօɴтнѕ вυт ʟαѕт мօɴтн нɛʀ ιɴƈօмɛ աαѕ $17976 ʝυѕт աօʀĸιɴɢ օɴ тнɛ ʟαքтօք ғօʀ α ғɛա нօυʀѕ. υѕɛ тнιѕ ʟιɴĸ fox200&#46com

    • kj

      I actually found this list inspiring!

      *My* New Year’s Beauty resolution is to spend at least 75% of the time NOT looking homeless, so I admire your ambition :P

    • Nancy

      The Clarisonic is really not worth obsessing over. I’ve had one for a long time (3 years?) and it’s nice, but it wont transform your skin. I have horrible adult acne so the Carlisonic is a weak agent in battle of my skin problems. if you already have nice skin, it also wont make it any nicer, just be grateful for what you have and spend the money elsewhere.

    • Debbie Bashford

      I have been using the Olay Pro-X Advanced Cleansing System, which can be found on Amazon for about 22 dollars, for over a year. I love mine and I love the Olay pro-x Exfoliating Renewal Cleanser, plus a replacement brush is under $12. It’s a very affordable alternative.

    • Elizabeth

      I’m so torn on the clarisonic! On the one hand, I’m a complete sucker for anything that promises better skin, but on the other, it seems like a ridiculously overpriced electric toothbrush for your face.

      • Andrea Dunlop

        My dermatologist said they’re a huge waste of money. That pretty much got rid of my desire for one, I could tell he’d been asked about them about a billion times.

    • Lindsey Conklin

      ahh I agree with all of these. I should also add to stop picking at my cuticles. and drinking more water

    • Kaitlin Reilly

      This is essentially my struggle list right now. My nail polish collection is completely out of control and showing no signs of getting under control. I have no idea how to train myself to sleep on my back but I am trying. And I did recently make an appointment with a dermatologist! (So, one of 10, not so bad…)