For as long as I can remember having attractions toward other human beings, I remember being attracted to both men and women. (Later, as I gradually understood the difference between gender and sex, this grew to a different range of attractions, but that’s a story for another day.) I have had many experiences with men and women, but a bigger chunk of the former have involved people with whom I had relationships with, while the latter has been more difficult to navigate. Why? Primarily because I am afraid to approach women.
My first crush was on a boy in kindergarten. My second was on a girl in first grade. My first kiss was with a girl. My second was with a boy and we both had braces, so it was pretty gnarly. The first flowers I ever got were from a senior girl when I was in ninth grade. The second bouquet (and third, fourth, fifth and sixth) were from my twelfth grade boyfriend who is basically the most romantic person ever and now has a female alter-ego who wears leopard print better than anybody I know.
My sexuality has never been an issue for me, but being open about it has.
I have almost always dated men. In school, I always flirted with males. In bars, I am usually approached by men or, if I’m feeling brave/stupid, the I approach them. Despite being attracted to women on just as regular basis as I am to men, it is rare, if at all, that I attempt anything romantic with a female.
At some point, I’ll delve deeper into why I have almost exclusively had relationships with guys, but for now, I just want to explain why I have been constantly over-thinking the things I say to all women–including ones I am not remotely attracted to, and especially the ones I know are straight.