Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor sorority girls with vindictive tendencies.
When I was in college, I did a lot of weird stuff. I regularly danced in a gold bathing suit. I ate bacon by the pound. I drank 40 oz. of Mickeys each and every weekend as though it didn’t taste like carbonated piss. I did not, however, commit revenge via bodily functions.
Once upon a time, a young woman at the University of Alabama was ditched by a douchebag. Here’s an excerpt of the email that dude bro’s dude buddy sent to Total Frat Move under the subject line “Shacker at Alabama”:
A Beta took a chick home last night then ditched her to apparently hook up with another girl. The original girl wasn’t too happy so she took a shit on his chair then wiped with his comforter. I realize this isn’t your typical news story but it’s fucking hilarious. I also have to ask you if that’s what girl poop looks like? What the fuck is this girl eating? No idea what sorority she’s in but if I find out, I’ll let you know.
I suppose it’s always a good idea to make the Internet aware of random acts of shitting, right? Well, no, not really, but still–it’s a kind of fascinating story to imagine. I mean, I’ve been really angry with somebody I was hooking up with before, but my logic is typically to tell them to fuck off and, when I was drunk and in college, passive aggressively dance with somebody else, which was productive in exactly zero ways. But at least it wasn’t this.
I would post the image, but I’m not going to because it’s hella gross, but if you really feel the need to check it out, here it is in all its vindictive glory horror. (Note to self: Make glory horror into new genre of crappy electro.)
In an update on Total Frat Move, another emailer has chimed in to let the public know that this woman is apparently a serial artist from either Alpha Delta Pi and Phi Mu:
Regarding the girl who shit herself, I can confirm it was a member of [sorority name redacted]. She lives on my hall and she did that in our bathroom. Also, she then told us she was going to stay with a Beta.
Look, I get it–being ditched sucks and it’s a dick move on the ditcher’s part, but this is a pretty gross and awful way to get back at that person. You’re damaging their stuff (always a bad idea) and making their room uninhabitable for whomever their unlucky roommate is. Don’t be a tool, folks; do not shit in people’s beds.