I understand that air travel is technically an amazing thing. I understand how incredible it is that people can be transported thousands of miles while they drink bloody marys and read Fifty Shades of Grey. I understand. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck to fly.
Not only are you paying hundreds of dollars to have a claustrophobic freakout while a relatively flimsy machine throws you across the sky, but you have to deal with other human beings. People are annoying enough when they’re making an effort to be polite and decent, so it’s especially horrendous when you’re stuck on a flight next to an inconsiderate jerk.
Let’s make a deal, right here and now: If you want to be a disrespectful a-hole on a plane, at least have the courtesy to let everyone know ahead of time. Send out a warning to your seatmates and give them the chance to put on headphones and face the window, okay? And if you aren’t sure how to accomplish that, here’s a list of five things you can wear on an airplane that’ll let everyone else know you suck.
1. Swishy track pants. You know what I’m talking about– the kind that makes tons of horrible noise with every movement. The kind that kids had in middle school with the zippers that turned them into shorts. If you’re going to wear lounge pants on a plane, make sure you wear the LOUDEST ONES POSSIBLE.
2. Anything that dangles off of you and has the potential to physically bother the other passengers. Big chain belts. Giant pashmina shawls. Scarves with big ass baubles on them. Fringe-covered vests.
3. Something with a long story behind it. Like, it’s real cute that your sweater has a screen printed photo of your grandkids on it. It’s adorable that your backpack says “I love my collie.” It’s charming that you got that t-shirt at your 17th Dave Matthews concert. But nobody paid $400 to hear about it, so let’s keep the small talk small.
4. A big coat that you’ll insist on wearing until everyone’s already seated and buckled– and then you’ll try to wiggle out of it, slamming your elbows into everyone within a two-foot radius.
5. The grossest clothes you own. Make sure everyone knows that you don’t give even the tiniest shit about smelling decent in public. Some ideas include: that paint-stained sweatshirt that you do yard work in, that pair of jeans that you haven’t washed since the Bush administration, anything that smells like beer (bonus points if you’re traveling early in the morning), anything that smells like cat pee. There’s nothing wrong with owning these items, but, like, can you please not wear them when you’re going to be trapped next to strangers all day?
So remember, traveler– if you’re going to be annoying, stop skirting around the issue and just be annoying. Just have the decency to warn everyone else first.
Photo: Bridesmaids (2011), NBC’s 30 Rock