I am always apologizing. My sisters say it’s because I’m a pushover. I blame that (and all of my problems) on the Middle Child Syndrome. To the stranger who rudely pushed me to get on the subway, I’m sorry. To my peer who failed an exam because they didn’t study, I’m sorry. To the waiter who messed up my order, I’m sorry.
Granted, I also apologize when it’s imperative; like overindulging at my sisters wedding (damn you, Cab Sauv), or for sending obnoxious drunk texts (like WTF does ‘sejfkes’ even mean?) and for cursing unnecessarily at the TV screen (I can’t handle how many tears already exist on The Bachelor, okay? Did ya hear that Sharleen?).
But in general, I think women (not just middle children) typically over-apologize. I recognize that my excessive atoning habits, as a “pushover” (or whatever), will likely not change, however, for the sake of our gender here are crucial things that we needed to stop apologizing for yesterday.
1. Stop apologizing for: dieting.
For the love of kale! Let me drink my green smoothies in yoga pants and peace. Don’t detract from my self pride when I reject sugar and carbs in all of their caloric, delicious, temptingly doughy glory. There should be no thin-shaming for wanting to live a healthy lifestyle, or for adhering to this four-letter curse: diet.
2. Stop apologizing for: not dieting.
Go ahead and order your little house salad with dressing on the side, your abs are eternally grateful. But, I want a cheeseburger, french fries and the dessert menu without providing justification, oh I had a rough week, or it’s that time of the month. How about: I’m hungry and I want to thoroughly enjoy every gram of fat.
3. Stop apologizing for: wearing makeup.
I wear makeup, often. I refresh my makeup, frequently. I think I look like a gremlin without it, always. I’m all team Sephora over here and I don’t need your mascara-less eyes glaring at me for glamorizing my face/boosting my self confidence.
4. Stop apologizing for: not wearing makeup.
OMG my face is naked, the horror! No I’m not sleepy, nor am I sick, or headed to the gym, so don’t you dare ask me that just because I skipped on eye liner and blush. Maybe my whole I-just-rolled-out-of-bed thing is trying to become the new natural beauty. Either way, I’m not apologizing for how I look.
5. Stop apologizing for: spending too much money on clothing.
If I had bigger boobs, I would totally spend an impractical amount of money on them (in the form of expensive bras). But, instead my kryptonite is workout garb. Did Carrie Bradshaw ever make amends for a purchase of Manolo’s? Pampering thy self is not apology worthy.
6. Stop apologizing for: wanting a career and not a baby.
Should I apologize for dedicating all of my time to my baby (aka my career) and not wanting something that is a conditional expectation to my gender? Rebellion!
7. Stop apologizing for: wanting a baby and not a career.
My mother is a stay-at-home mom and she’s my very favorite person (I love you too, Dad). So is my best friend. I will not accept mom-shaming. Or anti-feminist claims. Or any forms of abashment for this lifestyle choice. I’m looking at you, Amy Glass.
8. Stop apologizing for: wanting both.
You can put the Betty Draper fantasy to rest.
Sorry I can multitask better than your Macbook. Since I’m having my cake and eating it, too, I prefer German Chocolate, although a moist, boxed funfetti will also suffice.
9. Stop apologizing for: sex.
Slut. Yeah I know, we get it. Prude, hag, yeah we’ve heard those too. It’s universal and personal and ultimately shouldn’t matter if you love it, hate it, or the frequency in which you have (or don’t have) it. In this endeavor, originality would be appreciated because I’m getting bored of the cliched prude/slut/whore-shaming.
10. Stop apologizing for: femininity.
Why do I need to apologize for being a woman? So I like the color pink, I think frilly, lacy things are pretty and I cry during chick flicks. Also, I’ve consumed more brownies in one sitting than you (and JLo) have in a lifetime. Guess what? I can also chug beer faster than you, MensHumor tweets are the best, and my favorite iPhone app is SportsCenter.
I would say sorry I’m not sorry, but, technically that qualifies as an apology.