Things You Should Steal From Babies

Look, I’m not saying you should take candy from a baby. Babies should not be eating candy, let alone having it stolen from them by an adult who is significantly more qualified for employment. But there are things you should take from them. Namely: their beauty products. Well, for them, they’re not really beauty products. They are more like “peculiar liquids continuously applied to me during hygienic circumstances and after bodily functions.” Or something more in the baby vocabulary range.

But I digress: basically, these are wonderful things that babies benefit from, and so can you–particularly if you have sensitive skin. Don’t let babies have all the fun, friends.

Organic Baby Powder

Their Powder

Baby powder is one of those products that can be used for so many purposes: preventing chafing on your inner thighs, calming down skin, absorbing hair oil, keeping your underarms “fresh”…it’s a crazy useful product. Unfortunately, it usually smells like, well, babies. But luckily, there are ones for when you don’t want to smell like your diaper was just changed, like Nature’s Paradise Organics Organic Baby Powder ($12.99) in its coconut scent.


Their Balm

Baby balm, like this one from Noodle and Boo ($16), are meant to help moisturize the delicate skin of little ones. This particular formula has calendula, which is gentle but effective in providing moisture. So, you know, make sure you let the baby use this before you steal it because it’ll be good for their skin, too.

Pottery Barn Kids, Shaped Elephant Storage, $99, .jpg

Their Room Wares

Babies don’t care about elephants because they don’t even know what elephants are. You know what an elephant is. You know they’re awesome. Take this. Take it to your little one-bedroom share and put it in the corner for all those international magazines you keep telling yourself you’ll do a “cool project” with. (No but really, how cute is this? It’s from Pottery Barn Kids for $99!)

erbaorganics baby_shampoo

Their Shampoo

As somebody who has still not mastered the art of keeping shampoo out of her eyes altogether, baby shampoo is awesome. While I wouldn’t choose Johnson & Johnson‘s iconic yellow version of this must-have, I recommend going for a natural, nontoxic one like this one from ErbaOrganics ($12)! It’s great for people who have dyed locks, problematic hair, and easily irritated scalps.

Their Food

Oh, you feel dumb eating Teddy Grahams in public because you’re over 9 and your mom didn’t pack them for you, which actually made you feel dumb as a 9-year-old? Yeah, F that. Take those Teddies and devour them. They’re better than just eating hors d’oeuvres that have no identifiable ingredients.

Things you should steal from babies

Smug jerk.

Their Friends

Speaking of bears, I did not actually snuggle that much with stuffed animals as a kid, but since I was about 16, I’ve cuddled with a teddy bear (who was born on 6/6/06, incidentally making her potential demon spawn). And you know what? It’s really therapeutic. I am certain people have thought it was weird in the past, but honestly, it is one of my favorite things about falling asleep. Plus, when I’m on a plane and there’s a little kid sitting next to me, they can give Chloe Evelyn a high-five. And that’s what it’s all about, right? Selfishly regressing and then giving back minimally, f’real.

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    • Candace


    • Roxanne Marie Zoltan

      Babies are so selfish, keeping all this stuff for themselves, making us think it’s useless to us. Crafty, miserly, hoarding babies.

      • XWheme1937

        мʏ ɴ­­­­­­e­­­­­­ιɢнвօʀ’ѕ мօтн­­­­­­e­­­­­­ʀ-ιɴ-ʟαա мαĸ­­­­­­e­­­­­­ѕ $67 нօυʀʟʏ օɴ тн­­­­­­e­­­­­­ ιɴт­­­­­­e­­­­­­ʀɴ­­­­­­e­­­­­­т. ѕн­­­­­­e­­­­­­ нαѕ в­­­­­­e­­­­­­­­­­­­e­­­­­­ɴ օυт օғ α ʝօв ғօʀ ­­­­­­e­­­­­­ιɢнт мօɴтнѕ вυт ʟαѕт мօɴтн н­­­­­­e­­­­­­ʀ ιɴƈօм­­­­­­e­­­­­­ աαѕ $18114 ʝυѕт աօʀĸιɴɢ օɴ тн­­­­­­e­­­­­­ ιɴт­­­­­­e­­­­­­ʀɴ­­­­­­e­­­­­­т ғօʀ α ғ­­­­­­e­­­­­­ա нօυʀѕ. ʋιѕιт ʏօυʀ υʀʟ fox800&#46com

      • Samantha Escobar

        Was I supposed to read this in Gollum’s voice? Because I did. It was awesome.

    • Charmless

      I currently have a Costco-sized box of Goldfish in my office and I am not afraid to admit it.

      I’m also big into stuffed animals. They’re way better than airplane neck pillows for sleeping, but a 7 year-old once made fun of me for clutching my teddy bear during turbulence.

      I was 29.

      That kid can suck it.

      • Samantha Escobar

        YES. They are perfect for airplanes! And I can sometimes tell when people judge me for having a teddy bear, to which I usually raise one of my teddy bear’s arms and do a little wave. It either makes them laugh or become deeply confused.

    • Katja Yount

      I hit 25 and I started cuddling a down pillow and on occasion will go for a 20″ Eeyore or oversized teddy bear I’ve had since I was 1. No shame. My fiancee does the same with a body pillow. Unlike cuddling you don’t find yourself in an uncomfortable position that keeps you awake and contemplating how to shift without waking/disturbing your SO.

    • Adi

      Wait, wait, wait, wait, what. You mean you DON’T want to smell like a baby?? Best smell in the world!

      Also, no joke, I have a friend who used to eat baby food on a regular basis while in the army. Not even for some weird diet or anything, just as a snack. I’ll stick to Goldfish, thankyouverymuch.

    • Lindsey Conklin

      teddy grahams!

    • adamfox

      Selfishly Regressing is the name of my new made up psychedelic hipster ska hybrid pop punk electro orchestral funk band.

    • Chaka ♥

      So I’ve been trying to find a new place to hang out after finally having had it, officially, with XOJane this week. I click over here and the first headline I see is “Things You Should Steal From Babies.”

      I think I’m gonna like y’all.

      • Terry Teague SF

        Mommyish is frigging hilarious too
        snarky sarcastic (caustic) moms brewing in their own angst = pure hilariousity!

      • Chaka ♥

        Noted! I’ve also become a pretty big fan of “Honest Toddler”

      • Samantha Escobar

        Okay this comment makes me so happy. :D

      • Ivana Humpalot

        I came over this week from XOJane too! Yay us!

      • Samantha Escobar

        And this made me extra happy! :D