• Thu, Jan 30 - 2:00 pm ET

Marry, F*ck, Kill: Christian Bale’s Most Doable Roles From Batman, American Psycho And…Little Women

batman begins

We’re big into celebrity birthdays this week, and in order to celebrate Christian Bale‘s 40th birthday, we decided to play Marry, Fuck, Kill between three of his sexiest roles: Bruce Wayne, Patrick Bateman, and Theodore “Laurie” Laurence.

The players include me and Blisstree editor/Gloss contributor Joanna Rafael, who hashed things out over an interoffice Skype session yesterday afternoon. Here’s our conversation, with humiliating typos/misspelled words removed.

christian-bale-marry

Julia: Shall we start with marry?
Joanna: Seems like a good place.
Julia: I would marry Bruce Wayne.
Joanna: I would marry Laurie Laurence. In ya face, Jo March. There’s a new Jo in his life. You snooze, you lose.
Julia: Oh my god you just ripped Winona a new one.
Joanna: Also, I get Batman’s appeal, but it would be SO dangerous.
Julia: I know, it would not be a comfortable life.
Joanna: You’d definitely get kidnapped.
Julia: It would always be exciting! And he could make me breakfast while narrating his cooking actions in that deep voice of his. And we could drive our kids to school in a Batmobile.
Joanna: Doesn’t he only do the deep voice AS Batman?
Julia: Yes, good call. As Batman AND in the marital bed.
Joanna: The Batmobile is RAD. That’s a sweet ride, and no one can deny it. I’d be very worried about you, but excited about all the fancy galas at your house and you wouldn’t have to deal with in laws.
Julia: Our kid would never get bullied. I mean, think of my spawn. They will be easy targets.
Joanna: Tour kids would be targets to serious bullies. Not teasing or lunch money taking but like K&R shit.
Julia: Yeah, that’s true, but I feel like that’s a risk of modern day parenting. Come on, we both watch so much SVU. We know what the world is like.
Joanna: Well, Laurie and I will just be defying gendered expectations and wearing fun collars
Julia: Did you pick Laurie out of love or to spite Jo March?
Joanna: Both.
Julia: You both do have that collar game.
Joanna: We’d definitely get along. Also: IN YA FACE JO MARCH

Share This Post:
  • elle

    Fuck Laurie he’s so boring he has to be sold in bed right?Marry Bruce Wayne but with a prenup clause saying he can NEVER do the Barman voice around me and definitely kill Patrick-no mouse is getting in this vagina and he has some very string opinions about Genesis that I just can’t wrap my head around.

    • elle

      Haha sold should be wild. Gotta love autocorrect.

  • Lindsey Conklin

    I think I’m with Jo. Idk why, Batman’s voice annoys me too much I think, I know it’s Bruce, but Batman comes with the territory

  • thegirlwithredhair

    This makes me so sad because I miss the old Gloss.

  • Mel

    Fuck Laurie, Marry Laurie, and only kill him if he won’t be with me. If I can’t have him, nobody can!