Do You Need To Wear Spanx? A Quiz.

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 13: Mannequins modeling Spanx at the Spanx Fall 2012 Fashion Week Presentation on February 13, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Skip Bolen/Getty Images for Spanx)

Photo: Skip Bolen/Getty Images for Spanx

This week, undergarment giant Spanx revealed a collection of shapewear on a pre-NYFW show. Ironically, the brand sent a bunch of tall, thin women down the runway wearing its skintight, “smoothing” garments, rather than women who are their actual customers, once again proving that companies like Spanx would like you to believe your body will spontaneously shift its entire form if you put on an annoying undergarment.

I personally believe shapewear is the devil incarnate, but people seem to think they are a “necessary evil” as opposed to plain and simple evil. So, what are some justifiable reasons for wearing Spanx?

1. Are you a spy whose passports need to be on hand, but hidden, all the time?

Keep them secret, keep them safe.

2. Are you literally a sausage?

Sausage casing, while generally sturdy, is not foolproof and can occasionally come undone. Slip on a pair of Spanx and voila! It’s all packed in.

3. Have you decided adult diapers are for you?

And yet, you prefer not to deal with society’s stigma against them.

4. Are you genuinely terrified of wedgies?

Take that, 12-year-old self’s male classmates with ill-advised flirting techniques.

5. Are you a shoddily-made robot?

When you cannot get an appointment at the futuristic DMV, you may require a bit of assistance to “hold everything in.”

6. Do you need to put pressure on your appendix?

They are very tight, after all, and finding medical uses out of things you already own is generally quite convenient.

7. Are you a stock photo model representing weight loss?

stock photo weight loss

In addition to wearing the Spanx, you must resent yourself, your body and probably the cameraman.

8. Are you writing an essay about dating with Spanx?

Hopefully you are getting paid a fair amount, because it sounds awful.

9. Do you want to wear them?

Okay, let’s just get this one out of the way. If you really love Spanx and find them comfortable, then go for it. I will be wearing sweatpants so let a girl know when you wanna join.

Share This Post:
    • Lindsey Conklin

      Never been a fan of spanx. It’s a modern day corset, #7 is my favorite hahahaha

    • CMJ

      Spanx tights are amazing – not deadly and really comfortable. I also use the footless nylons they have in the summer (they are also not too constricting) under dresses and skirts so my thighs don’t rub together. Other than that, I stopped wearing super spanx. Life’s too short for internal organs shifting.

      • Samantha Escobar

        TBH, I am biased against them because I have fibromyalgia. When I wear them, I feel like I may vomit. :(

      • Elizabeth Licata

        I love, love, love the Spanx tights. I’ve never found another kind that’s that opaque. (I’m really particular about opaqueness.) Even the H&M 100% tights aren’t quite as opaque as the Spanx tights. (Sometimes I layer them for maximum opacity/staying warm in New York in February in a trapeze dress.)

    • NYCNanny

      Spanx is amazing. I’m love pretty much every single piece from their line. The tights are amazing!! The high waisted leggings are amazing!! Their underwear and Camis are also great. I just wish they made bigger bras (36dd here.)

    • anna

      It’s the cheap plasticky way of corset training, which I have always been interested in, due to the beautiful corsets and my love of vintage lingerie. But, you know, I value my ability to breathe and such.

    • Meg

      “Keep them secret, keep them safe” is probably my favorite thing to add to any conversation, whenever possible. Also, I was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Spanx make me feel like I’m going to vomit, too! So constricting.