This week, undergarment giant Spanx revealed a collection of shapewear on a pre-NYFW show. Ironically, the brand sent a bunch of tall, thin women down the runway wearing its skintight, “smoothing” garments, rather than women who are their actual customers, once again proving that companies like Spanx would like you to believe your body will spontaneously shift its entire form if you put on an annoying undergarment.
I personally believe shapewear is the devil incarnate, but people seem to think they are a “necessary evil” as opposed to plain and simple evil. So, what are some justifiable reasons for wearing Spanx?
1. Are you a spy whose passports need to be on hand, but hidden, all the time?
Keep them secret, keep them safe.
2. Are you literally a sausage?
Sausage casing, while generally sturdy, is not foolproof and can occasionally come undone. Slip on a pair of Spanx and voila! It’s all packed in.
3. Have you decided adult diapers are for you?
And yet, you prefer not to deal with society’s stigma against them.
4. Are you genuinely terrified of wedgies?
Take that, 12-year-old self’s male classmates with ill-advised flirting techniques.
5. Are you a shoddily-made robot?
When you cannot get an appointment at the futuristic DMV, you may require a bit of assistance to “hold everything in.”
6. Do you need to put pressure on your appendix?
They are very tight, after all, and finding medical uses out of things you already own is generally quite convenient.
7. Are you a stock photo model representing weight loss?
In addition to wearing the Spanx, you must resent yourself, your body and probably the cameraman.
8. Are you writing an essay about dating with Spanx?
Hopefully you are getting paid a fair amount, because it sounds awful.
9. Do you want to wear them?
Okay, let’s just get this one out of the way. If you really love Spanx and find them comfortable, then go for it. I will be wearing sweatpants so let a girl know when you wanna join.