Sneak Preview: Check Out The Sochi Opening Ceremony’s Absurd Fashion Before Anybody Else

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

The 2014 Winter Olympic Games are barely underway and already, there has been drama, intrigue and really, really absurd outfits. Now, we have each country’s mascots, country namers (I can’t think of a better title for these people) and even the Olympians themselves wearing equally absurd outfits, which I kind of love for no particular reason. The Opening Ceremony, while a little grim-feeling given all the controversy surrounding holding an international competition in a place run by homophobic, overbearing, mass dog-killers,

Let’s take a look at them while I also inform you of which food they remind me of, because why not?

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Bobsleigh racer Alexander Zubkov carries the flag for Russia‘s Olympic Team. Not sure how I feel about that big white crown…it looks dangerous. And like a cake slicer.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

The Italian Olympic team, led by luger Armin Zoeggeler, gets down in deep, dark blueberry.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Oh Canada, y’all look so warm in your red delicious apple uniforms.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Ireland is broccolini, which is like broccoli but better, and led by skier Conor Lyne. Also, seriously, what is up with that giant white crown atop the head of the woman bearing each country’s name?

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Israel is that beautiful shade of the bottom of a firecracker popsicle, i.e. the best part of the treat. They’re led by short track speed skater Vladislav Bykanov, though, rather than cherry.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Iceland, led by cross country skier Saevar Birgisson, are looking pretty excellent in a deep blueberry getup, too.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Figure skater Javier Fernandez looks fly while leading Spain in delightful cranberry and mustard suits. For the record, these folks win the “sexiest Mad Men-approved looks” award.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Speaking of sexy, check out Mexico‘s Olympic Team, led by skier Hubertus von Hohenlohe. Delicious licorice with ivory accents, which hopefully taste like some sort of vanilla bean custard.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Cannot. Handle. How much I love Germany‘s uniforms. I just cannot. Can no longer even. You know those incredibly Pin-able rainbow technicolor cupcakes? Yeah, it’s like that, and led by skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

I heart you, Brazil, and your cross country skier/biathlete Jaqueline Mourao. You’re all my favorite Tropical Skittles flavors combined.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Freestyle skier Alexei Grishin leads Belarus in their hot sauce red outfits.

2014 Olympic Opening Ceremony China

The Chinese Olympic team, led by figure skater Jian Tong, look like reliably pleasant peppermint candies.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Maria Kirkova and the Bulgaria Olympic team looked like surprisingly delicious peppermints you might find at your doctor’s office.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Skier Luke Steyn and the rest of the Zimbabwe Olympic Team look rad in maraschino cherry red.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Looking fly in clementine, Sandis Ozolins of the Latvia Olympic team.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

As we already knew, the Ralph Lauren-designed United States of America uniforms were hideously ugly. The only food I can think to compare these to is ribbon candy, because in theory and on Pinterest it’s cool, but in practice, it’s sticky and ugly and misshapen and gross.

Check out all the amazing and ridiculous uniforms from the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics opening ceremony!

Oh, Shaun White.

Photos: Getty Images

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      brocolini hahahahaahhahaa. also germany, wow…

    • diane kaston

      mexico looks chic and modern love it

    • Amanda

      I actually really like USA’s sweaters. I kinda want to knit my own and pretend that I’m an Olympian.

      • keanesian

        I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to buy them from Ralph Lauren for $$$ very soon!

      • Amanda

        Probably. But I’ll probably be able to make my own for less money.

    • http://carrie-murphy.com/ Carrie Murphy

      Let’s give all the prizes to Germany right now and go home.

    • Mira Angelova

      Why do you write that?Most of the costumes are like country flag!First you muss read about the countries and then comment!

    • Quinn

      I think the Team USA gear is by far the best…it’s patriotic, fun, and eye catching! How in the world anyone would think Germany’s are even comparable (let alone significantly bette) is absolutely beyond me.

    • kj

      Wow. Germany. Wins the everything. All of it. Go home everyone else.

    • Gia

      if you mention Italy, you should do your homework. their uniform designed by Giorgio Armani. you’re welcome.

      • Samantha Escobar

        I missed the part where I said they were designed by somebody else.