Happy 70th birthday to the great Jerry Springer!
For 23 seasons, you’ve blessed this world with a top-notch daytime television program that manages to be a racist, transphobic shitstorm while still making room for casual misogyny and outdated slurs for little people. While one could certainly argue that The Jerry Springer Show is a horrible instruction manual for human relationships, I’m willing to admit that you’ve shaped me into the barely dateable woman I am today. In honor of your birthday, here are 23 lessons I’ve learned from half-watching your show in waiting rooms and other people’s houses.
- The more you scream at each other, the more likely you are to get positive attention from onlooking strangers.
- If your partner isn’t your cousin, you’re already off to a great start.
- Strippers ruin EVERYTHING.
- Not being a father is usually great news.
- Especially if you’re also the baby’s uncle.
- Go ahead and attack each other– a large man in a headset will appear out of nowhere to hold both of you back.
- If you’re sleeping with your girlfriend’s mother, the only respectable thing to do is to confess to it before a studio audience.
- Same goes if you’re sleeping with your boyfriend’s father.
- Or having a threesome with your mother’s sisters.
- You should probably wear a latex catsuit while you’re at it.
- Go ahead and marry a horse, but DON’T expect it to behave well on national television.
- If you’ve been arguing for half an hour, it might be a good idea to let off steam for a few minutes by taking your top off.
- If you can’t get your sister pregnant, it’s like barely even incest.
- Quoth Jerry himself, “Your sister can be a part of your life, but she doesn’t need to sleep with you.”
- Don’t cheat on your husband with a stripper.
- Don’t cheat on your stripper with your husband.
- Don’t cheat on anybody ever, maybe?
- Steer clear of dating anyone named Mistress Delicious.
- Or anyone who suggests that you go on Jerry Springer to work through your issues.
- Your partner will take you more seriously when you’re ripping your competition’s hair out.
- Save some time. Before you get married, ask your partner if they have a shocking secret past.
- Stop it.
- Just… stop.