• Mon, Feb 17 - 9:00 am ET

The Best Presidential Erotica You Didn’t Know Existed (NSFW)

presidential-erotica

When I was a little girl, we had a trashcan printed with the likenesses of all the US presidents. Once I was old enough to understand that it’s sortakinda not that patriotic to throw apple cores and used tampons in a receptacle with our nation’s founding fathers on the front, I thought it was an incredibly funny and irreverent way to honor the presidents. That is, until I became aware of presidential erotica. Presidential erotica that today, on this President’s Day, is my gift to you.

That’s right. I dug through the deep, dark and strangely sticky underbelly of the internet’s fan fiction erotica and slash fiction to bring you the weirdest, the hottest and the most WTF-worthy sex stories featuring United States presidents. Surprisingly, it’s not that rare of a genre. Hail To The Slash is a tumblr chock full of presidential slash fic (slash fic is same sex fictional erotica), there’s plenty of erotica about Barack and Michelle, and author Catherine DeVore has written more than one ebook featuring the sexual exploits of one Abraham Lincoln.

One thing that is sorely lacking was JFK erotica. I found one piece, which you can enjoy an excerpt from on the second page, but you’d think the interwebs would be teeming with fanfic about JFK and Marilyn, if not the other eleventy billion people John F. Kennedy is rumored to have slept with. WHERE IS THE JFK SLASH FIC, PEOPLE?

Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy some good old fashioned (in some cases colonial) erotica. Happy President’s Day, everyone! Caution: Very (very) NSFW.

George Washington

George Washington, our 1st president (with bonus appearance from Alexander Hamilton):

“Yes, General Washington.” Alexander moaned.

“Now, now. None of that ‘General Washington.’ It is George for now.” George said as he slid one finger into Alexander’s tight entrance.

Alexander let out a gasp of surprise. It felt so nice! However the feeling did not last when George slid in two more fingers. There was now a dull throb of pain. He felt George stretching his inside walls. Soon, the pain subsided and Alexander was begging for George to please him.

“Tell me what you want me to do, Alex.” George said with a slight smirk.

“I want you to relieve this ache in me.” Alexander gasped out as George lightly bit the nipple he had been teasing earlier.

-Adnacia

Brings new meaning to chopping down a cherry tree, huh?

James Madison

James Madison, our 4th president (again, with Alexander Hamilton):

“The man turned around “ALEXANDER HAMILTON?!”!?” “in the flesh babay, or did you forget last night?” “damn” thought Jamie “how much tea did I drink last night” “good morning baby” said Jamie out loud to alex “I want you to spread it all over my body like you’re gonna tar and feather a loyalist babay” said alexander. “spread what?” asked Jamie “freedom” said the exotic man from somewhere in the middle of the ocean somewhere. “there’s no time. We better get going” said james Madison nervously “round two?” asked alex “no the constitutional convention” said james”

-publeus glutius maximus

I think this one is my favorite, particularly the tar and feathering joke. 

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson, our 3rd president and George Washington:

George Washington tore away at Jefferson’s fine petticoat and chest-piece as they continued making out in the woods over the corpse of a werewolf. He then shed his own coat, and then reached down into his lover’s trousers to feel his rock-hard dick. “Take them off, now Jefferson,” Washington said to Jefferson. Immediately Jefferson threw his trousers to one of the trees and knelt down to behold Washington’s fabulous dick even closer. It must have been nine inches long, and in one quick motion Jefferson tried to take the magnificent member into his mouth. As he bobbed his head back and forth on the incredible dick, Washington pulled on Jefferson’s hair, forcing him to take in even more of it.

-ItalianBanker

Come to think of it, I am actually interested in presidential dick size. I bet Thomas Jefferson was hung.

william-henry-martin-van-buren

William Henry Harrison, our 8th president, rendezvousing with Martin Van Buren, our 9th president:

“William Henry leaned forward and kissed Martin atop his bald head before inhaling deeply. The salty smell of Martin’s scalp filled his Roman nose. Martin turned to face him and reached upwards with his lips. William Henry placed a hand on his cheek and led him in. Their kissing was tender at first. Martin felt if they could just keep kissing like this, time would stop. This one moment would last forever. If they could only keep kissing.”

-Chris Andersen

Two nearly forgotten presidents find love in each other’s arms. Aww!

Lincoln''s Use of Mercury Pills For Depression

Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president:

“I sat down in my well-worn chair and sighed. “How many times have I told you, Martha? When we are alone, you don’t need to call me ‘Mr. President.’ ‘Mr. Lincoln’ will suffice.”

“As you wish, Mr. Lincoln.” Martha turned to leave, but I beckoned her over.

“Come here a moment, dear.” Martha hesitated, and then joined me behind my desk.

Without another thought, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her onto my lap. She cried out in surprise, but didn’t pull away. I could feel her soft buttocks resting on my erection. She must have felt it, too. I lifted her skirts and mashed my throbbing prick against her bottom.”

 

-Catherine Devore in Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machine

If you’d like to buy this text, you can do so on Amazon. I hope to god there’s a stovepipe pun in there somewhere.

And now, for the modern era…

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  • julesgilead

    Alexander Hamilton gets around! The Reagan one was by far my favorite, although the Clinton was certainly second best.

  • Lackadaisical

    I’m usually against any kind of slut shaming but Alexander Hamilton seems a bit of a slag when it comes to presidents.

  • Julia Sonenshein

    HAPPY PRESIDENT’S DAY

    • Crusty Socks

      Stop being a pervert! >:(

    • Crusty Socks

      :( nobody gets my humor

  • RayneofCastamere

    What? No Thomas Jefferson/John Adams? I demand my OTP!

  • Mouche Bonneau

    Oh god, the slutty political puns… And the people who wrote these are kinda brilliant. And I’d be scared to meet them in real life.