Florida Couple Begging For Help With Gay Neighbors Gets Schooled By Dear Abby

Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Remember the famous advice column “Dear Abby”? Well, Ms. Abigail Van Buren (real name Jeanne Phillips) just served up a batch of words to the wise for the entire country after a homophobic couple known as “Unhappy In Tampa” all but got on their knees and begged her to tell them they’re right for being total jerks. An excerpt of their letter:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago and were quickly welcomed into our new neighbors’ social whirl. Two couples in the neighborhood are gay … While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots!

Apparently, the couple “moved here from a conservative community” where everybody’s basically the same, so “if people were ‘different,’ they apparently kept it to themselves.” You know, because being gay–or “different”–is something everybody needs to hide or else the children will wind up gay and the teachers will teach gay stuff and the inanimate objects will all start boning each other because they’ll come alive. This is what happens when people are allowed to be gay.

The woman signs off like this:

But really, who is the true bigot here? Would you like to weigh in? — UNHAPPY IN TAMPA

What did she think Abby was going to say? “Well, when you think about it, the true bigots here are those pesky gay people who keep insisting on being treated like humans! Run ‘em over, that’ll teach them to let you exclude them properly!” Uh, no. Instead, Abby responded beautifully.

First, she explained that being gay is not a choice nor a lifestyle, which is something homophobic idiots never seem to comprehend fully. More info on this can be found in the Human Beings 101 textbook you were all given at birth. Moving on.

From there, Abby quickly and deftly eviscerates the woman’s pseudo-victim notions:

I find it interesting that you are unwilling to reciprocate the hospitality of people who welcomed you and opened their homes to you, and yet you complain because you are receiving similar treatment.

From where I sit, you may have chosen the wrong place to live because it appears you would be happier in a less integrated neighborhood surrounded by people who think the way you do. But if you interact only with people like yourselves, you will have missed a chance for growth, which is what you have been offered here. Please don’t blow it.

You win, Abby. You win all the medals.

It always fascinates me just how many people refuse to accept that gay people exist. By ‘fascinates,’ I mean ‘depresses,’ of course, but homophobia is nevertheless a consistently shocking feat of idiocy that some humans manage to achieve. That in itself is fascinating in the same way dandruff and foodborne illnesses are: they’re disgusting and awful, sure, but we need to understand them or we’ll never be rid of their effects. So, happy Thursday, Unhappy In Tampa! You’re the world’s flaky vomit.

P.S. If you would like to see the fun little chat going on on our Facebook about this topic, check it out here.

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      haha the perfect GIF to celebrate dear Abby’s response!

      • Samantha Escobar

        I’m fond of confetti :P

    • JLH1986

      They won’t have “the gay” in their house but they’ll go to “they gay” house? WTF? People suck.

      • Samantha Escobar

        I find that so odd, too. Basically, they actively dislike gay people (disguised by the always hilarious “don’t agree with their lifestyle” phrasing) but…want to associate with gay people and their friends?

      • JLH1986

        Well my personal opinion is that anyone who uses the phrase “don’t agree with their lifestyle” isn’t very bright so I’m going to chalk the total lack of logic up this couple just being stupid.

      • Crayzcheshire

        I would like to start using that phrase in my day to day language! “I don’t agree with your driving lifestyle” … “I don’t agree with my neighbors lifestyle when the overwhelming smell of his pot wafts up through my windows” … “I don’t agree with that aggressive dog’s lifestyle- calm down!”

      • Mystik Spiral

        Can I use it to get out of anything I don’t like? I don’t agree with your onion-eating lifestyle, and if you don’t make me some onion-free food, well, you’re just a BIGOT!!!

      • Samantha Escobar

        well onions are all sorts of f’d up so i guess i’ve been proven wrong–some kinds of prejudice are okay :(

      • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

        I don’t agree with my boss’ “Liz should wake up before noon and come to work” lifestyle.

      • Jade-Yue-Ryu

        A great (though somewhat disturbed) man once said “Only two things are infinite, the universe, and human stupidity. And I’m not so sure about the former”. These people are textbook examples. Also, Abbey dear, for today you win the internet.

      • Crusty Socks

        They might have legitimate fears of contracting cooties

      • Samantha Escobar

        Cooties: The #1 Item On The Gay Agenda

      • Crusty Socks

        I hope the vaccine I got in 1st grade at the jungle gym is still good

      • Mystik Spiral

        No, #1 is a fabulous brunch. Cooties is #2.

      • Samantha Escobar

        I love this comment.

    • Jeremy Cohrt

      So why is it that there are practicing “heterosexuals” choosing to entertain homosexual acts? It’s all now “black and white” in that gays are simply “born gay”? We still haven’t found the on/off gene/loci in the human genome.
      It’s about tendencies, and choosing to give in to taboo urges. Goes for many things in life.
      The couple is actually a victim, too. So trendy to use the term ‘homophobia”, but it’s ok for others to be social snobs in return jsut as much. Doublefaced.

      • Bob LaMonta

        Thank you for that insightful response, Jeremy. Could you please take a minute and explain to us when and why you made the conscious decision to be heterosexual? Was one of your early homosexual experiences not fulfilling or did you just flip a coin?

      • Guest

        The whole thing was that they were snubbed BECAUSE they acted like a bunch of bigots. Way to miss the point.

      • Mandie

        I make it a point to give into all my taboo urges, like telling off bigots.

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        Any man who has a problem with homosexuality has a problem with his own manhood. Larry Craig, much?

      • candyvines

        If the couple are victims they are only victims of their own small-mindedness.

      • Mystik Spiral

        How the fuck was this couple victimized? They acted like assholes and weren’t invited to parties anymore. That’s not victimization, that’s life. The golden rule and all that.

      • Nerdy Lucy

        Oh, puh-lease, kid. Try harder next time.

      • Kelly

        This couple started snubbing people first. There’s no way they’re victims just because the rest of the neighborhood doesn’t tolerate such rudeness.

    • Valdoria

      Abby is overly polite but that is good for her even though the writer did not deserve it. Personally I am rather tired of those who insist on budding into the business of others and feeling they have the right to judge and punish. Don’t we already have too much government doing this? It would be great to see a world with people who loved and were open to all without criticism.. who did not inflict harm upon others.. and who were always welcoming… doesn’t really seem so hard..

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      “…and the inanimate objects will all start boning each other because they’ll come alive.” OHHH so THIS is why my dining room chairs were giving each other blumpkins today. Makes total sense.

      • Samantha Escobar

        Be careful, Frances–you may wind up with a little high chair as a result!

    • LiteBrite

      “I find it interesting that you are unwilling to reciprocate the
      hospitality of people who welcomed you and opened their homes to you,
      and yet you complain because you are receiving similar treatment.”

      THIS. So much this.

    • Armchair Observer

      Do the FB feed folks not realize that their real names (and faces!) are attached to their comments–’cause they be cray-cray…

      Dear Abby has a pretty big track record for supporting homosexuals and championing tolerance. She’s kinda awesome.

    • Jillian

      I love how bigots always get so offended when they are called out for what they are: bigots. Like somehow it is okay to hate openly gay people, black people, muslims and anyone outside of your comfort zone but the second someone calls out your intolerant attitude its like “well I never I can’t believe you called me that your not tolerant”. “I may have said that the gay couple is not invited to my parties and that my kids won’t be playing with any kids who aren’t white but how dare anyone call me a bigot for defending my beliefs!” If I was the gay neighbours I would be tempted to cough and spew a lot when I walk by the bigot couple and tell them they caught the gay and it to late to stop the spread now. Just because these bigots are probably ignorant, and thick enough to believe that is how “the gay” occurs. This is all just part of the “gay agenda” so many homophobes are convinced exists. It starts with inviting the gays to your house parties and living in the same neighbourhood as them and the next thing you know your son is dancing to abba in a sparkly outfit on roller skates talking about the rainbow flag.

    • anna

      left this out for my mom when reading the paper. We high fived later.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I would argue that choosing to exclude the gay couples from their social gatherings is a “lifestyle choice” of their own, and that the other neighbors are simply exercising their entitlement to disapprove of that choice.

    • Ashie

      I personally do not agree with homosexuality, but I would never ever act like that. I have gay friends and they are lovely people. Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean you have to be a horrible person. I would never shun anyone because of it, and I would hope that no one would shun me because of my beliefs.

      • Andrew Cole

        What part of “not a choice” is so hard for you people to understand? Do you not agree with being black either—but hey, you have some black friends and they are cool…

        You are a bigot, and you will continue to be a bigot until you understand that being gay is not a choice.

      • Ashie

        Give me the proof that it isn’t a choice. Just because people say they “knew” they were gay when they were three is not proof.

      • keelhaulrose

        When did you choose your heterosexuality? When did you choose what features make your partner attractive to you?
        If attraction is choice, you can choose to be attracted Danny Devito, or Donald Trump, or Hugh Heffner. It’s a choice, right?

    • Tinyfaeri

      This truly was the most awesome response ever.

    • BubbleePOP

      Dear Abby is a boss!