10 Weird, Sexist, And Hilariously Gross Products For Women

Today’s Google doodle reminded us that its the National Day of Women. Take a moment to celebrate your ladyhood, lady garden, and lady friends in all their glory. I personally honored this special day by watching clips of Hillary Clinton on Upworthy, wearing ferocious red lipstick, and explaining to my roommate how catcalling is wrapped up in rape culture. Call your mom, change a tire, research your local politicians for the next chance you get to vote, or perform a self breast exam in appreciation of your feminine wiles.

Do not, however, purchase any of the following products. Obviously, the women of the world have bigger fish to fry than unnecessarily gendered tools and horrible beauty gadgets. But these micro-aggressions are as hilarious as they are damaging. Snail slime and bush dye. Get on it, or join us on the dark side of wet blanket feminist harpies.

Neckline Slimmer

neck slimmer

Aging is gross. Fix it with a workout designed only for your turkey neck. It has three levels of spring loaded resistance, so you can work your neck back from “ugly” to “teenager.” When these are no longer enough, use your new found neck strength to bang your head against the wall until women aren’t considered dried up relics at the same age that men become “distinguished.”

Playtex Sport Scented Tampons

HELP I CAN’T FIND MY TAMPON IN THESE WILDFLOWERS via

NOPE. Really, tampons that promise to do anything more than let me go swimming around that time of the month without leaving any evidence skeeve me out. I do not need my menstrual supplies to be rebranded for trendy teens or easily mistaken for candy bars. Or give me a yeast infection with artificial dandelion essence. As if girls aren’t made to feel insecure enough about their flow without being told it should smell like rainbows and wildflowers.

Snail Slime Beauty Mask

50360

If you’re feeling less than attractive, try piling snail slime on your face for fifteen to twenty minutes. Snail slime is a Korean beauty favorite that allegedly repairs cells, boosts moisture, and reduces scarring and wrinkles. We are so worried about flawless skin that we are now paying actual money for actual snail slime to put on our faces. You can also get this Nickelodeon throwback of a beauty staple in face cream, eye cream, and serum at PrettyandCute.com.

Oversized Circle Contact Lenses

worst products for women circle lenses

photo: YouTube.com

Circle lenses aren’t just painful to wear. They’re also emblematic of sexualized youth, and the disturbing trend of grown women who want to look like dolls. For the uninitiated, circle lenses are oversized contacts that make your eyes look large and round, like a dazed child or Homer Simpson on peyote. They’re hugely popular in Asia, but you can also spot them in makeup tutorials for living dolls.

Butterfly Nose Up Lift

Worst Products for Women Nose Up

Is your schnoz less than slim, straight, Caucasian perfection? Pretend to fix it with this definitely uncomfortable and probably useless plastic nose shrinker. Because only one nasal aesthetic is OK, and you should be ashamed of that unique sniffer.

Summer’s Eve Intimate Feminine Wash

Worst Products for Women Summer's Eve

At this point, most people have caught on that douching is unnecessary and pretty bad for your hoo-ha. I can’t imagine the prevalence of “douchebag” as an insult was great for Summer’s Eve PR team. So, they gave us Intimate Care Wash instead. All of the lady shaming fresh scent with different instructions and packaging. Really, ball wash makes much more sense. Those bad boys aren’t self cleaning. I am seeing a whole new product line from Axe that could really take off.

Betty Color for the Hair Down There

First, stop calling it “down there.” Unacceptable. You can now match your pubic hair to any color. If grey hair isn’t sexy on your head, it’s certainly not going to fly in your panties. Betty comes in a wide variety of colors, from auburn to Smurf blue. Blue, for the record, is suggested as a festive bridal color for your special day. This product is also suggested for bottle blondes and brunettes to keep the mystery going south of the waistband. Because losing interest when the carpet doesn’t match the drapes is totally a thing.

Spanx Shapewear

worst products for women Spanx

If this was some Lara Croft style Kevlar body army, I’d be on board. But the Slimmer and Shine Open Bust body shaper appears to have all the organ squishing of corsetry with none of the fetish appeal, and is completely lacking in bulletproof properties. I cannot personally vouch for the comparable pain of Spanx, but stuffing your extra flesh into an expensive sausage casing is no way to love your body.

At Home Anal Bleaching Cream

Burn baby burn. via

What’s worse than the pressure to bleach your asshole to match the no-longer-chocolate starfish of your partner’s favorite porn star? Attempting to do it at home. For only $11.99, you can give yourself all the pain of hemorrhoids in the pursuit of a perfectly pink asterisk. Find it at ShopInPrivate.com.

Liquid Virgin Drops

worst products for women liquid virgin drops

Satisfy that pesky Madonna/Whore complex with fake virgin drops. This magical product creates a “tight, wet opening,” so you can pretend you aren’t already a ruined women. I don’t want to know how they work, but even if these don’t cause serious irritation and pain, the premise alone horrible for women. Only virgins are worth loving, so fake it until you get a ring on your finger. And then also forever.

Being a woman is a magical, blessed privilege. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I’m feeling just fine without a bleached asshole or pink pubes.

You can reach this post's author, Mandie Williams, on twitter.
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    • patti livernash

      My Uncle Zachary
      recently got a 9 month old Mercedes-Benz CL-Class CL63 AMG only from working
      off a home pc… go now J­u­m­p­9­9­9­.­ℂ­o­m

    • julia

      when did the gloss become so preachy and holier-than-thou? every article lately has been reminiscent of talking to a sophomore in women’s studies who is way too invested and is angry that the rest of the world isn’t. the humor and chill vibe that i loved is gone. this site used to be so good. where’s the wed bed dead, shelved dolls, fashion articles, etc? i have an eating disorder and a vagina too, but that doesn’t mean i want to read about them all the time.

    • Marie

      I can now live my dream of rainbow pubes. (for serious, though, I don’t like removing my pubic hair, and dying that hair seems like fun/a really good story to tell if you use it before going to a nude beach.)

    • Crayzcheshire

      This article… ugh

    • diane

      panty lines v.s. yeast infections, tummy upset, and all kinds of other yucky stuff, nope, i’d rather go comando

    • Bunny Lucia

      I don’t understand this crusade against Summer’s Eve.

      The feminine wash is NOT a douche. You are NOT supposed to put it in your vagina.

      It’s a wash for your vulva (Think outer labial area), it’s SUPPOSED to have less harsh chemicals than normal soap so it’s better for delicate skin (Like the skin on and around your vulva). I don’t actually know if it has less harsh chemicals or not, but if you’re washing your vulva with bar soap you could potentially irritate your skin.

      • Crayzcheshire

        My gyno said warm water and a gentle wasthcloth or hand is all you really need :)

      • Bunny Lucia

        Your gyno has never smelled me after I go on my hour-long runs..

    • FemelleChevalier

      I… I’m so confused… I used to wear contacts when I go to cosplay conventions and my friends wore them. Even males. I don’t think I’m insecure nor the hundreds of cosplayers (male or female).

      Animé is predominantly Japanese. Japan is in East Asia. So… yeah.

      And even feminine wash? Wow… You do know that men has products, too, right? They are only branded as three-in-one or four-in-one because men can’t be assed to buy multiple products.

      And the snail slime, how about you do a, oh I don’t know, research on the Korean culture before you come up with such a conclusive diatribe? You didn’t indicate the negative side-effects, just your incredulousness that such product existed. Why not ask a Korean instead in regards to its benefits?

      Are you okay? No, seriously, I’m genuinely concerned. Your attempt at humor is cringeworthy at best and most doesn’t make sense. Half of these are sensible products. And even on the ‘WTF is this?’ items, your explanation seems… off and ignorant. Not to mention arrogant.

      I have pamphlets on Anger Management here if you want some.

      • Ivy

        Sounds to me like you need to reread your Anger Management pamphlets. Glad I got the humor of this article and it gave me a chuckle and a grin to end my evening.

      • FemelleChevalier

        If you’re talking about the length of my comments, that is a force of habit (Most of my comments are like that). I never insulted the writer, merely pointing out how her commentary (not her as a person but this particular article) seems off, judgmental, and preachy.

    • FemelleChevalier

      Oh! I have a thought! How about instead of this, you indicate the negative and positive effects and not just your own opinion? You know, let the readers weigh it in by not making it one-sided? Then add humor to that; make it funny.

      That’ll work, I promise. Do you want me to link some examples?

    • greerlovesgovert

      Great article, these products are truly ridiculous. I don’t understand all of the spiteful comments. Guess you hit a nerve.

      • Ivy

        I’m with you.

      • FemelleChevalier

        They are ridiculous in their own right, but the execution of humor fell flat. It became holier-than-thou and “Hey! Look how stupid this is! Hahaha! Let’s all laugh!” without first explaining the disadvantage and advantage THEN making fun of it (a.k.a it was a more of a diatribe and less of a satire).

        The humor is the problem, not the topic. Though it is subjective, if you can make a person laugh when they don’t necessarily agree with you, then you did the humor part right.

        P.S. I’ve seen articles that deals with (almost the same) ridiculous items so I’m comparing their humor to this.

    • Melissa

      What’s with the weird influx of super defensive comments/commentators? Do they all work for Summer’s Eve?

    • ktree

      I always though anal bleach was for bleaching butthole hair, not the butthole. I do not understand why this is a thing.

    • color contacts

      Hello!!Thank you that you share this with us..