In case your barista or your mom didn’t tell you this morning, today marks the first day of spring. The Tumblr-verse is probably already awash in filtered flower pics and iced latte selfies. Meanwhile, the misanthropic cold weather lovers among us will cling to our beanies and our spiked cider for dear life, rewatching Frozen and praying that spring gets its transitional business over with as soon as possible. Unless you’re already a bronzed, sporty, allergy-free sun bunny, the “best” things about spring can kind of suck.
#TeamFall for life. Here’s why.
1. Skimpy spring outfits.
Everyone looks and feels good in oversized sweaters and boots. The same is not true for high waisted booty shorts and tank tops. See also: increased catcalling, the return of the strapless bra, and constant refusal to sit on the subway for fear of your thighs sticking to the seat.
2. Everyone is tan.
How nice for you, Brazilian beach goddesses. The rest of us are still hibernation pale, squinting at the sun like albino moles that got trapped above ground.
3. Being Outside.
When the weather is cold and wet and awful, no one expects you to do anything but lay in bed and watch Orange is the New Black. The temp hits 50 degrees and suddenly I’m expected to leave my apartment before noon.
4. Fruity spring drinks.
RIP hot toddies. Why have wine when you can have mulled wine? Just saying it makes me want to bang on a bear skin rug. Mojitos and sangria have too much sugar and make you want to die.
On the one hand, we celebrate the end of Hebraic slavery and everyone drinks. On the other, if I have to eat one more matzoh and cream cheese sandwich I can just fill the saltwater bowl with my own tears.
6. March Madness.
What the f is this? All I know is that if your roommate or boyfriend watches sports, you won’t see them until April. You’ll also have to pry their busted bracket from their cold dead hands before you can catch up on Scandal.
7. The Sun.
SAD symptoms disappear, but forgetting sunglasses now ruins your entire afternoon.
8. Outdoor sports.
Oh cool, more chances to remind myself of the scarring softball and Frisbee games of my chubby uncoordinated youth. THE WHOLE POINT OF ADULTHOOD IS NO MORE KICKBALL.
9. Everything turns green again.
The 3% of people without hay fever and flower allergies can have fun frolicking in a meadow. I’ll be here, watching Cartoon Network in my Benadryl coma.
10. Spring Break.
None of your friends actually want to use up five of their precious vacation days blacked out with a former lacrosse player with a coke problem. But you will, because no one wants to be the uncool friend that suggests a quiet yoga retreat instead.
11. Spring snacks.
You mean the only time I can buy bunny Peeps, Reese’s Eggs, and Girl Scout cookies is right before bikini season? Perfect. Just, really great timing.
12. Festival Season.
OH GREAT, an entire season of concerts I cannot afford and an Instagram feed filled with better looking people in crop tops that cost more than my entire outfit. #FOMOforever
13. Spring breezes.
Now you can finally open your office windows and let in some fresh air. Unless you live in a city. In which case, let in the falafel fumes and ambulance sirens.
14. April Showers.
Romantic comedies promised me that rainstorm = weekend long spoonfest with a new lover. This is a lie. Your dreams will be crushed by ruined shoes and mascara tears.
15. Almost swim season!
Did you think the hardest part of a Tahitian beach getaway was paying for it? WRONG. You have two months to read every single women’s magazine tearing into your unacceptable bikini body. Book that personal trainer now.
You can call me a whiny, sunhating bully all you want. You’re not wrong. Besides, I can’t hear you over the flock of Disney birds that won’t shut up until August.