15 Things Everyone Loves About Spring That Are Actually The Worst

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In case your barista or your mom didn’t tell you this morning, today marks the first day of spring. The Tumblr-verse is probably already awash in filtered flower pics and iced latte selfies. Meanwhile, the misanthropic cold weather lovers among us will cling to our beanies and our spiked cider for dear life, rewatching Frozen and praying that spring gets its transitional business over with as soon as possible. Unless you’re already a bronzed, sporty, allergy-free sun bunny, the “best” things about spring can kind of suck.

#TeamFall for life. Here’s why.

1. Skimpy spring outfits.

Everyone looks and feels good in oversized sweaters and boots. The same is not true for high waisted booty shorts and tank tops. See also: increased catcalling, the return of the strapless bra, and constant refusal to sit on the subway for fear of your thighs sticking to the seat.

2. Everyone is tan.

How nice for you, Brazilian beach goddesses. The rest of us are still hibernation pale, squinting at the sun like albino moles that got trapped above ground.

3. Being Outside.

When the weather is cold and wet and awful, no one expects you to do anything but lay in bed and watch Orange is the New Black. The temp hits 50 degrees and suddenly I’m expected to leave my apartment before noon.

4. Fruity spring drinks.

RIP hot toddies. Why have wine when you can have mulled wine? Just saying it makes me want to bang on a bear skin rug. Mojitos and sangria have too much sugar and make you want to die.

5. Passover.

On the one hand, we celebrate the end of Hebraic slavery and everyone drinks. On the other, if I have to eat one more matzoh and cream cheese sandwich I can just fill the saltwater bowl with my own tears.

6. March Madness.

What the f is this? All I know is that if your roommate or boyfriend watches sports, you won’t see them until April. You’ll also have to pry their busted bracket from their cold dead hands before you can catch up on Scandal.

7. The Sun.

SAD symptoms disappear, but forgetting sunglasses now ruins your entire afternoon.

8. Outdoor sports.

Oh cool, more chances to remind myself of the scarring softball and Frisbee games of my chubby uncoordinated youth. THE WHOLE POINT OF ADULTHOOD IS NO MORE KICKBALL.

9. Everything turns green again.

The 3% of people without hay fever and flower allergies can have fun frolicking in a meadow. I’ll be here, watching Cartoon Network in my Benadryl coma.

10. Spring Break.

None of your friends actually want to use up five of their precious vacation days blacked out with a former lacrosse player with a coke problem. But you will, because no one wants to be the uncool friend that suggests a quiet yoga retreat instead.

11. Spring snacks.

You mean the only time I can buy bunny Peeps, Reese’s Eggs, and Girl Scout cookies is right before bikini season? Perfect. Just, really great timing.

12. Festival Season.

OH GREAT, an entire season of concerts I cannot afford and an Instagram feed filled with better looking people in crop tops that cost more than my entire outfit. #FOMOforever

13. Spring breezes.

Now you can finally open your office windows and let in some fresh air. Unless you live in a city. In which case, let in the falafel fumes and ambulance sirens.

14. April Showers.

Romantic comedies promised me that rainstorm = weekend long spoonfest with a new lover. This is a lie. Your dreams will be crushed by ruined shoes and mascara tears.

15. Almost swim season!

Did you think the hardest part of a Tahitian beach getaway was paying for it? WRONG. You have two months to read every single women’s magazine tearing into your unacceptable bikini body. Book that personal trainer now.

You can call me a whiny, sunhating bully all you want. You’re not wrong. Besides, I can’t hear you over the flock of Disney birds that won’t shut up until August.

You can reach this post's author, Mandie Williams, on twitter.
Share This Post:
    • tifygodess24

      Hahaha I LOVE this , thank you !

    • reese

      This was hilarious :)

    • Mars

      All true. SO true. Team Cold forever!

    • Lindsey Conklin

      I just wanna be tan!

    • Jinx

      Love it when a Gloss article is laugh-out-loud funny. You’re awesome, Mandie. But I just wanted to point out brown and black girls don’t have to worry about being ‘hibernation pale’ ;)

    • itpainsme2say

      I am a winter baby and I would like to stay in that season year round. They don’t sell shorts long enough anymore and to wear them I have to shave EVERY DAY boooo that, skin cancer is the worst and so are wrinkles hand me some sun screen, I wear regular glasses and don’t want to pay for the shade version or wear those stupid ones that go over top, and I have allergies. Give me a Poler Vortex any day, the snow never bothered me anyway.

    • http://coffeeontheedge.wordpress.com/ Jennie

      After being in Alaska for almost a year I am kind of dreading going to Florida for spring break. You mean I’ll have to wear actual outfits? And I’ll have to shower like every day? And I’m going to sweat? And sneeze? Ugh.

    • tSubh Dearg

      I will never be tan as my Irish skin thinks the only colours available to it are milk pale or lobster red. I prefer when it’s winter and everyone else looks pale too, rather than being the girl with milk bottle legs in summer. Though luckily Irish summers tend to feature copious amounts of rain so maybe it won’t be too bad.
      I did sort of tan once, but it just looked like I had been for a walk on a dusty road and not washed my face properly. (I may have spent a lot of time washing my face that evening trying to work out why the “dust” wouldn’t come out)

    • Nancy

      You are the complete opposite of me lol BUT you should repost this again in autumn to make me feel better about the coming winter! I can’t wait to go outside more! And spring cleaning! And drinks on patios! And frisbee! And outdoor concerts! And sundresses! :D Sorry, not sorry lol

    • Sarah

      Nailed it.