If you were a young person with cable in the 90s, chances are good you watched a lot of Nickelodeon. Chances are also good that all those layered prints and twisted animation warped your fragile little mind, forever altering the person you would grow up to be.
Here’s our completely accurate and 100% scientific guide to what your favorite 90s Nickelodeon show says about you:
Ren & Stimpy
You were cool in high school. You had all the right jokes, and everyone got you. You annoyed the teachers and aggravated your parents, and all the people in charge said that meant your future would be mediocre at best. You kind of believed them. But now you’re a grown-up and all the peers who loved you are grown-ups, and everything is great. You network like a boss, and everyone still gets your jokes. Mean kids and bullies may have crappy futures, but you’re living proof that the genuinely popular kids are always the most successful.
There is nothing you love more than a good love story, unless it’s a good love triangle. You are single-handedly keeping the Young Adult genre afloat. You were a nice, normal kid with nice, normal parents. Your big teenage rebellion consists of something innocuous, like accidentally staying out too late one night because you didn’t want to inconvenience your friends by forcing one of them to cut their night short to drive you home. Still, your parents hit the fucking ceiling that one time, because they were so used to your perfect behavior they weren’t prepared for what to do when you did something even vaguely wrong. You never did get credit for being the perfect kid.
Clarissa Explains It All
You are everybody’s manic pixie dream girl, except better because you’re the real deal. You are a bit weird, but in a palatable way, with the chill, easygoing confidence of someone who has never been bad at anything she wants to do. You got good grades without even trying, and you loved math and science almost as much as you loved English class. You were great with computers, and classmates marveled at your typing speed. You might be bad at one thing that doesn’t affect your life, like singing or whistling, but that just makes you seem more charming. You probably weren’t the most popular girl in school, but people still remember your name. Before Clarissa, your idol was Claudia Kishi, obviously the very best of the Babysitters Club.
The Adventures of Pete & Pete
Clarissas are quirky, but you were weird. There’s a good chance you spent your weekends coming up with accessories or jokes to help you more effectively stun people with your weirdness at school on Monday. (Painting “Invisible cows currently control my life” on your backpack definitely counts.) You know the difference between a nerd, a geek, and a dork, and there’s a good chance you were all three (though you might have outgrown the dorkiness in college). You think you’re hilarious, but most people don’t get your jokes. That doesn’t bug you, though, because you are your own best audience, and you’re always entertained. Nobody in the world has as much fun as you.
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
You always root for the underdog and have had a lot of crushes on fictional characters in your life. You seem easygoing and flew a bit under the radar in school, but you have a dramatic sense of style and a haughty grandeur you can call upon if you ever need it. You have only ever dated nerds, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re the only person who looks back on her 90s clothes and feels no embarrassment, because you looked awesome.
Most of your friends are a little older than you, and sometimes you find their success intimidating. Don’t worry, though. They aren’t really more successful than you, they’re just a couple years further ahead. Also, they don’t say it but they’re jealous of your amazing skin and the way you are actually further ahead in your career than they were at your age. You’re really clever, but you get distracted easily. If you ever learn to master that, you’ll be unstoppable.
You’re young enough that sometimes you think about scrapping it all and taking a year to travel around the world. If you can save up the money, it’s completely possible to do just that if you buy one of those “around the world” airline tickets that lets you fly whenever you want as long as you always go in the same direction. That sounds intimidating, but you’d love it. Start saving now, because cats, romantic partners, and apartment leases will get in the way faster than you think. Even if you don’t manage to take a whole year, you’ll at least make it someplace awesome. You have lots of really good friends who would love to go with you, but we think you’ll have a more memorable experience if you go alone.
Rocko’s Modern Life
You love the B-52s and karaoke, especially singing the B-52s at karaoke. You were the only kid at school who didn’t like the Ren & Stimpy kids. You were better than they were, but nobody noticed because everyone was too dumb to get you. You’ve actually grown up to be pretty darn successful, even though other people don’t understand what you do for a living at all. You’re really good at it, though. And while the inability to impress random strangers on the street bugs you sometimes, you know it’s OK because all the people who really matter know you’re a genius.
The Secret World of Alex Mack
Who has time to worry about the big problems in the world when there are so many tiny, everyday problems that threaten to thwart you at every turn? You have huge plans, but it seems like you never have time to do anything. You really hate it when people tell you that you have as many hours in the day as Beyoncé, because it is patently not true.
Are You Afraid Of The Dark?
You like to think the world is a deep and magical place, but you are pretty sure that it is also benevolent and everything will work out OK in the world. You smoked in high school, but now you look both ways before you cross the street and are very concerned about your retirement plans. You plan to live to 100, and you want to make sure you enjoy it. You have definitely had your fortune told, attended at least one uneventful seance, and have seen the Ouija board move. (You were totally the one pushing it. Don’t even lie, we know it was you.)