Gwyneth Paltrow’s Plan To Goop Poop Out Five Pounds Is Another Reminder She’s Not Like You

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Poor Gwyneth Paltrow has so many bad ideas we can’t even be mad at her. Her life seems perfect in all ways, but she seems driven to get rid of toxins and body fat the way Lady Macbeth wants to get rid of that damned spot.

Gwyneth Paltrow is the last person on Earth who needs to lose five pounds, but she’s reportedly in the midst of an extreme detox diet and series of high colonics intended to take off five to seven pounds.

“Gwyneth is leaning on her old diet trick, high colonics, in order to lose at least five to seven pounds,” an unnamed “source” told Radar Online.

The “source” says Gwyneth has been going to Dr. Alejandro Junger, a New York colonic specialist with a 21-day “clean program,” which Gwyneth has previously gushed over on Goop and recommended we all follow. Junger is also the “clean gut”-promoting doctor who helped her with her horrible, horrible winter detox diet.

During his 21-day “clean program,” you reportedly only eat one solid meal a day at lunch. The rest of your food is replaced by shakes and supplements.

“Her friends don’t want to see her lose any more weight and think it’s totally gross, but Gwyneth is such a fan of the process she even sells her own $425 colonic kits on her site,” the source said.

The colonic kit is a $425 mix of dietary supplements meant to be blended with protein shakes to clean your body of “toxins” and your gut of whatever the hell it is that makes guts dirty so you can poop like a celebrity.

Fun fact: Your gut is self-cleaning. That is the beauty of a gut! It does not need cleansing any more than the inside of your dishwasher needs cleansing. Going on a 21-day fast and eating only one meal a day and a bunch of smoothies may not kill you, but it sounds excruciating and not even remotely healthful. We cannot believe that Gwyneth Paltrow admits that a juice cleanse made her have hallucinations and yet she’s still advocating this stuff.

Life is too short to be spent battling phantom toxins and invisible pounds. Just eat well, get some exercise, and don’t go too crazy about it. Gwyneth’s life may seem perfect, but we’re pretty convinced that the key to happiness is always asking, “What would Gwyneth do?” And then doing the opposite.

(Photo: Getty)

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      As if she can even lose 5-7 lbs!!! Geez. The more I read about her, the sorrier I feel for Apple, Chris and co.

      • Julie Tyler

        What a stupid, ridiculous article/blog. Dietary juice cleanses, fasting, colonics, etc have been around for eons, since before Christ and advocated by all the greatest physicians, sages and cultures the world over. Ms Paltrow’s periodic reboots are the very reason she is trim, energetic and glowing. I’m so sick of if everyone trashing her when they could all actually learn something of value from this charming, intelligent woman-that is, if you all weren’t so shortsighted, gossip-y, jealous and so eager to adhere to the latest negative assault effort at tearing down someone more successful.

    • Guest

      I’m with you on the self-cleaning gut, but you should really clean your dishwasher periodically…

    • CMJ

      Maybe she should just get a colonoscopy and kill 2 birds with one stone.

      • Valerie

        Now I am picturing her in the recovery room with a bunch of old people farting her brains out.

    • Cristy Ziegler

      I use “Colon Cleanser MAX” – it’s all-natural and mild but effective over time. I found it on amazon here >>