• Mon, Apr 7 - 2:53 pm ET

The 10 Most Bonkers Pairs Of Underwear You Can Buy On Amazon Right This Very Moment

zooey-deschanel-new girl lingerie

via New Girl on Fox

Not that anyone asked, but I’m wearing plain black cotton panties right now. They’re utilitarian as all get out and they were clean when I put them on, so I’m pretty much nailing womanhood. Now you close your eyes and try to remember what underpants you put on this morning. Unless you are a lingerie model, there is a 100% chance your underwear is giant and practical compared to some of the panties you can buy on Amazon. How I ended up looking at sex underwear on Amazon.com is nobody’s business, but I still need to share my findings with you. Some of these can only loosely be described as underwear–that’s how bonkers they are. Who is wearing this stuff? I thought crotchless panties were just a joke from sitcoms.

Here are 10 of the most hideously sexy panties available for purchase on Amazon (tip: read the reviews if you get the chance).

1) Tassel Rhinestone G-String, $20.99

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.24.17 PM

This pair kind of reminds me of the jacket Kate Moss is wearing on the Vogue UK cover.

2) Chain Front Crotchless Thong, $11.13

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.05 PM

One time my college boyfriend was like “I don’t really know what those are” when I was wearing high waisted underwear, I can only imagine how confused he’d be by these.

3) Sexy Creations Pearl G-String, $19.88 Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.01.36 PM

Imagine if your tampon string got wrapped around one of those little silver pearls.

4) “C” Shape Thong Hollow Bow Tie Design, $9.95Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.23 PM

These came up when I searched for “invisible underwear,” but as you can see they are rather visible. Someone with knowledge of physics needs to explain how these stay up.

5) Pearl Passion Cross Bra Bikini Set, $29.99Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.01.48 PM

That is honestly the least supportive bra I’ve ever seen.

6) O-Ring Panties, $7.99Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.41 PM

I’m not designer, but shouldn’t that O-ring be over the clit?

7) Revealing Bikini Suspender Thong, $16.99suspender thongAs my boss put it “that is literally a borat suit.” Literally.

8) Exposure Lace G-String, $5.99
Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.02.05 PM

The pearls up the crotch motif is very popular. I’ll let you make your own oyster joke.

9) Butterfly Crotchless with Pearl Sequin Detail, $6.75 Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.02.23 PM

These look breathable.

 10) Back String G-String Thong Panties Panty Underwear Lingerie, $2.99

Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.02.46 PM

Compared to the rest, how understated, simple and elegant is this little number?

Photos: Amazon

Share This Post:
  • Lindsey Conklin

    #6….i mean they all look miserable and uncomfortable, but 6 is killin me

    • Joanna Rafael

      A wedgie from that pair would likely draw blood.

  • CMJ

    Ouch. Just ouch.

    Also – YEAST INFECTION.

    • Joanna Rafael

      All the material looks so flammable.

  • Kaitlin Reilly

    #7 — SO painful

    • Joanna Rafael

      One size fits all :(

  • Julia Sonenshein

    ALL OF THIS.

    • Joanna Rafael

      I bought you all of them.

  • Sarah

    Too expensive for a piece of elastic. Just make your own out of candy jewelry. It’s edible and nothing goes to waste. I haven’t done this, just offering a practical suggestion. ;)

    • Anne Marie Hawkins

      All I can think is ladybits + sugar = yeast infection.

    • Sarah

      Probably. Haha

    • Joanna Rafael

      I just imagined scraping sugar granules out of my labia :(

    • Anne Marie Hawkins

      Truly horrifying thought.

    • Sarah

      “You can make it a sexy game ;)” -reads the packaging of my fake product. Seriously, though, pretty sure candy g-strings are a thing.

  • Katie

    Can you guys do DIY posts on how to create your own version? You’d need string and pearls.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Going to get right on that!

    • Sarah

      Yesss

  • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

    I can explain number four! Ho knowledge to the rescue!

    These things are horribly uncomfortable and made for strippers who work in clubs that are topless-only. Basically they are a way to be naked without actually violating any laws, and they are THE WORST. They have a little wire frame, similar to the underwire on a bra, but even more evil, and are sort of like a headband for one’s lady garden. It’s like having a wedgie and also being poked in the butt crack at the same time. Not awesome.

    As to the pearls, the idea is that they stimulate your clit. It doesn’t work, or I mean, it does, but not in a good way, as they are very, very uncomfortable. A client once bought me a pair, and I was not a fan. The same client has ALSO bought me crotchless undies, which were less uncomfortable but significantly more stupid looking.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Cate! Thank you for explaining these. I get cranky when headbands squeeze my skull and can only imagine how crabby I’d be if one squeezed my butt crack. ALSO the bad kind of clit stimulation sounds brutallll.

    • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

      Yeah seriously. I’ve worn versions of a lot of these and most of them are not comfy. This is part of why I am no longer a stripper.

    • Joanna Rafael

      Hopefully people will start making less hideous and more comfortable attire for strippers!

  • Mouche Bonneau

    My vagina is in pain just looking at these. Jesus.

    Yet another reason just to say “fuck it all” and go commando.

    • http://toyboxkiller.tumblr.com/ Cate

      COMMANDO LIFE! Underwear is overrated. I only wear it for work, and even then only when absolutely necessary.

    • Joanna Rafael

      I’m with you guys on that commando train.