Reach down. Touch your calves. Are they as smooth as the bottom of a baby who uses $300 beauty products on his ass? If the answer is “no,” then perhaps it is time to try Veet.
Aside from aspiring to Urban Dictionary standard of linguistic creativity and hitting somewhere around the level of a fourth grade boy writing in marker on his desk, the company’s new “Don’t Risk Dudeness” campaign would like to inform all you sick, twisted ladies out there that those prickly legs are ruining your love life. Your love life is heterosexual, adheres to societal conventions, and is integral to your existence, by the way.
The hair removal brand’s campaign consists of commercials letting women across the nation know that our legs are intended to please other people. The first being men, of course.
Oh no! A man waking up next to a man! How disgusting! But subtle homophobia and heteronormativity are just so humorous, obvs, because we don’t have any actual prejudice in America these days. And what matters is that this man is disappointed in this woman’s inconsiderate approach to how she cares for her body, because your entire grooming routine should revolve around how dichotomous your legs are from your partner’s.
The second ad features a stereotypical pedicurist:
The third is a cab driver who apparently only sees customers for their underarm hair and doesn’t do his job for the money:
And the final one being a woman attempting to save your life who is instead concerned with your leg hair.
Oh, but not the crotch! I’m ill or injured enough to be strapped to a gurney and taken away in an ambulance, but I’ll take any pain over the humiliation of you seeing my pre-summer bikini line! “Dudeness” is worse than death, after all.
Now, our readers are smart enough to know all the things that are wrong with these ads, so I feel like elaborating too much isn’t necessary because you’ve heard it all before: women are given set standards for how our bodies are supposed to look in order to “be womanly” and, if we stray the path, we risk being considered disgusting troll monsters. I personally go back and forth on whether I want to remove my body hair, or how much, or how, which by Veet’s standards means I go back and forth between being a troll monster–or at the very least, a man.
Not that we needed any evidence of this, but we literally just saw that women are still women regardless of whether or not they have underarm hair, leg hair, upper lip hair, or no hair. The question of how beautiful we can make our bodies for other people’s pleasing is irrelevant; if our bodies are beautiful to ourselves, then who hates which elements that are on them is unimportant. If you don’t like to wax, shave, sugar or zap, then don’t! If you want to remove your body hair and somebody says you’re being shallow, don’t listen to that either.
Oh, and if a dude freaks out because you have leg stubble, kick him the hell out of your bed.