• Fri, Apr 11 - 3:04 pm ET

15 Reasons Why Vampires Suck At Relationships, In GIFs!

Van Helsing via Fanpop.com

Van Helsing via Fanpop.com

Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston are bringing bloody sexy back in Only Lovers Left Alive, reminding us all of our weird crushes on cold, dead, killers. What’s that? Terrifyingly gorgeous Tilda Swinton gets to play a supernatural romantic lead? Tom Hiddleston is an undead rock star? I KNOW. My heart’s aflutter, too. It’s almost enough to make up for all the toxic relationship and sparkletits in Twilight.

Who among us hasn’t dreamed at least once of sexing up a vampire? They’re broody, dangerous, preternaturally sexy, and usually have tons of money and feelings and leather pants. Add in that they could kill you but choose not to because you are just so pretty and you have the world’s best bad boy cocktail.

If given the chance, vampires would actually be terrible at relationships. Just read or watch any vampire romance ever, from the truly epic Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles to the campy Sookie Stackhouse books. Vampires are for one night stands, not for relationships, but it doesn’t keep us from dreaming.

Next time you go pining for a relationship like Stelena (don’t make me be the only 24-year-old into The Vampire Diaries) remember all the reasons dating a vamp would totally… wait for it… suck.

So. Many. Ex. Girlfriends.

And boyfriends, probably. No one lives 1,000 years without experimenting. Don’t bother trying to count all the necks he’s sucked on before yours. And then you’ll die, and they won’t, and he’ll find some hot future babe to take your place.

You’re in constant danger.

And not just because anything that turns him/her on probably makes him/her want to drain you of your sweet, sweet life force. Judging by every vampire novel ever, his friends won’t be super stoked that he loves a human and will also try to kill you. Often.

Every time you get a hickey, you have to go to the hospital.

And insurance doesn’t cover love bites.

Snuggling with them sucks.

Relationships’ main benefit over friends and one night stands is the cuddling (right?). But being the little spoon to a cold, technically dead body doesn’t have quite the same charm. You can’t even listen to their heartbeat.

Their family will hate you.

Or eat you. Whatever.

They hate the sun.

Officially, so do I, and vamps wouldn’t judge my obsession with suncreen and floppy hats. On the other hand, picnics and beach vacations are awesome and I would miss them. The only vacay you can ever take is a cruise in Alaska.

You will never be the more attractive partner.

Everyone knows that vampires only make other vampires out of certified hotties. And then they never age. Good luck keeping up with that.

They’re possessive.

I’m just judging by every vampire canon ever, but vampires seem to check all the boxes for abusive, isolating behavior.

Fine dining isn’t as fun.

No one likes to feel like the fat kid at the table while their partner skips dinner.

They’re really emo. Seriously, so emo.

Name me one vampire story where he isn’t so overcome with lust and FEELINGS that he (a) goes on a murderous blood binge (b) attempts a suicidal mission (c) runs away.

They don’t understand boundaries.

When you’re a vampire, stalking is called love. See: Every vampire boyfriend ever.

No kids.

Pro: No pregnancy scares. Con: They think babies are food. Oh, and the reason they can’t procreate is because they’re dead. And if they do manage to knock you up, it’ll be a terrifying demon spawn.

Vampires will always be smarter than you.

Even if they start out average, they’ve probably had a few centuries to brush up on every book that matters. And meet the authors.

They could literally screw you until you die.

What did we learn from Twilight? If they can splinter a bed, imagine what they can do to your bits. That’s not hot, that’s terrifying.

If you dump them, they’ll probably kill you.

Oh, you’re over it? Now there’s nothing stopping them from ripping out your throat.

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    yeah, that last one…definitely a deal breaker

  • Samantha Escobar

    SO MANY EXES. Like, hundreds (or thousands, I mean, I’m not judging).

    • http://batman-news.com Bunny Lou

      … Can corpses get STIs?

    • Samantha Escobar

      Excellent point. :(

  • Charmless

    But… Eric Northman!

  • Jade-Yue-Ryu

    I know a vampire book series that doesn’t have any of these problems except the getting injured during fun part. Hellsing.

  • Alyssa

    I love that you used a gif with the animatronic baby from Twilight. So hilarious.

  • J_Doe5686

    Oh, the stalking! Why do vamps have to be so clingy and emo? Nothing wrong with emo, but God, vamps should learn about boundaries!