If you follow my whinier posts, you may already know that I went through a breakup a little while ago. I allotted myself a week or so of ruining my eyeliner via cry seshes, listening to empowering music, and falling asleep next to a bottle of $9 white wine. And then I hopped onto the online dating scene–as well as just the dating scene in general–and went on my merry way of meeting plenty of new people, also known as “binge dating.”
I’ve forced myself to be open to all sorts of dating routes because honestly, I’m 24, and while I’m not remotely at the point where marriage to my next long-term partner seems inevitable, I am at that stage where I need to stop dating emotionally unavailable stoners; after all, I virtually ruined my first year in New York by missing my long-distance boyfriend in California. I therefore think it is time for me to partake in some binge dating and not have another year-plus relationship for a while.
So far throughout my little journey, I have:
- Walked into a bar and asked out the bartender.
- Walked into a bar and asked out the bar owner.
- E-walked (ewok’d?) into Tinder and wound up meeting somebody who dresses infinitely better than I do and isn’t a serial killer.
- Talked for two hours with a guy about video games.
- Danced/stumbled drunkenly to Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass.
- Got psychoanalyzed by a fellow writer. Subsequently did not call him.
Of course, things have not been exclusively sunshines and rainbows and fruity cocktails. There are lots of awkward things I have learned about binge dating that I can share with you now! You know, because my parents aren’t embarrassed enough already with my writing.
1. Forgetting somebody’s name.
2. Subsequently calling them the wrong name. This will be embarrassing for both of you.
3. Finding out they have some, er, fascinating fetishes.
4. Getting a text from a number you don’t know, then having to ask for specifications on whom it is.
5. They reply, “It’s _____ from OKCupid!”
6. The guilt you’ll feel upon realizing you still have no idea who they are, so instead of asking more questions, you’ll just comb through messages hoping for a clue.
7. Running into one of them while out with another.
8. …Fortunately, he is also out with a different girl!
9. …Unfortunately, it is somebody you know.
10. That awkward moment where he wants to make out and you want to GTFO.
11. Not knowing how to say goodbye, so you just shake his hand.
Yes, I did this recently. Yes, it was awkward. He asked me for a hug and I obliged until I felt a hand creep down my back, making that evening officially over and out.
12. When you meet your friend’s new boyfriend and realize he’s somebody you were a “mutual match” with five months ago.
13. The awkward “should we go to brunch or just never talk again?” moment in the morning.
14. Recognizing somebody online whom you know is currently dating your friend.
15. Setting up a date, getting there, and walking right by him because you forgot what he looked like.
All GIFs from giphy.com unless otherwise noted.