• Tue, Apr 29 - 4:05 pm ET

How To Translate The 16 Most Popular Online Dating Messages

As I have mentioned more times than my parents would likely prefer me to on the Internet, I have been doing a bit of binge dating since my recent breakup. Despite the occasionally awkward moment, binge dating has been going surprisingly well–and been infinitely more entertaining and emotionally productive than my typical dive into a six-month rebound relationship. And one of the best tools I have found to facilitate my newfound hobby in New York City is online dating.

Shrugging your shoulders and turning up your nose at the idea of looking to the Internet or your smartphone for romance? Most online dating apps like OKCupid, Tinder, Hinge and the like have a lot of normal people on them! (Well, hopefully at least, because I’m on them and I’m like 85% painfully average.) That said, you will need to weed out some of the weirdos, creeps and jerks combing through 30 pages of search results in one sitting to find a date, mass messaging people nonstop with lazy greetings. Sifting through these types of messages gets much easier once you know what the most common ones “mean,” so here’s a quick and dirty guide to the typical types you’ll undoubtedly receive about 100 times a day.

Message #1: “Hey.”

Translation: “You’re the seventeenth woman I’ve messaged, so I’m not going to put a ton of effort into this.”

Message #2: “Hey!”

Translation: Same as above, plus “…but I think your profile picture is sort of hot.”

Message #3: “Hey, sexy.”

Translation: “I have no idea how to talk to women.”

Message #4: “Where do you live?”

Translation: “How much effort am I going to have to put in to hook up with you?”

Message #5: ”Your eyes look like oceans. Can I dive into them?”

Translation: ”I’m the kind of tool who rhymes ‘life’ with ‘strife’ when I write poetry on the subway.”

Message #6: “You’re so beautiful, I can’t believe you need an online dating site.”

Translation: “I’m just gonna assume right now that your self esteem is so low that my vague attempts at flattery will work.”

Message #7: “I want to have sex with you.”

Translation: “I want to have sex with you.”

Message #8: “Wasn’t sure if you saw my first 4 messages, so I’m just checking in again!”

Translation: “I cannot take no for an answer. I’ll be sending another 4 of these, so keep an eye out!”

Message #9: “So, what do you do?”

Translation: “I just looked at your photos and didn’t read anything about your profile, which is probably good because I don’t care about any of that anyway.” (This one is nullified provided you didn’t list your occupation or you’re just Tindering anyway.)

Message #10: “You look like a bad girl.”

Translation: ”My relationship skills were developed by watching Swingers with my older brother and pretending to grind with imaginary women to Robin Thicke.”

Message #11: “You’re not as hot as you think you are.”

Translation: “I’m hoping that being negative towards you so early in the conversation will serve as evidence to the theory that women only like men who are mean to them.”

Message #12: “I’m a nice guy.”

Translation: “I’m such a nice guy, I need to tell you instead of present myself as one by exhibiting kind behaviors. Oh, and if you don’t respond in the next 24 hours, I will be calling you a bitch.”

Message #13: “I love you.”

Translation: ”I’ve been on this site 3 years and haven’t slept with anybody, so…?”

Message #14: “I want to [insert graphic description sexual acts] you right now.”

Translation: “You should probably just ignore this–I’m just letting out steam because some girl rejected me at an Upper East Side finance bro bar last night and I want my pity party to include your vagina.”

Message #15: ”I’m huge.”

Translation: ”Porn isn’t cutting it for me tonight, so sending dick pics and associated captions is the next best thing.”

Message #16: “My girlfriend and I have been looking for…”

Translation: “I want a threesome.” It doesn’t matter what comes after the above words; trust me, they do not just want to make “cool new friends.” Dude wants a threesome.

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA THIS = TRUTH

    • Samantha Escobar

      :D :D :D

  • Kaitlin Reilly

    YES, all of these are great (the GoT gif totally freaked me out because I thought it was a still and it was not a still…)
    Anyone who says “you look like a bad girl” should not be allowed to internet date. Or date.

    • Samantha Escobar

      Bahaha, I love those GIFs.

      Also, the phrase “bad girl” needs to be eradicated from everything.

  • diane kaston

    hilarious and true

  • Kay_Sue

    I don’t know about huge in #15, but I am getting a laugh out of featuring the koala GIF there when koalas have two penises…really made my morning.

  • Jinx

    I loved this, but I don’t think gifs are necessary in every article you post. They make it look a bit cluttered and detract from the actual content. It’s very buzzfeed-ish.

  • markmywords

    Hahaha, so funny! And so true. Looks like not much has changed in the last ten years. Reg #15 “I’m huge” is more a matter of perspective thing. Don’t we women always think our thighs look big, when we look down on us? Compared to a zipper…
    I’d probably add the “I’m so lonely. I think I’ll never have a girlfriend. So sad I am…. ” Translating into “Do you have a helper’s syndrome? Can I sob or guilt you into hooking up?”. And the “I speak mandarin, know all japanese history dates by heart, my favorite sports is para-snowboarding and my pet is an Avicularia metallica” (which is a tarantula btw) translating into “I’m a special snowflake and look for the other snowflake that is just exactly like me.”.

  • Michael Norris

    You forgot one.

    “16 Worst Online Dating Messages From Men And What They Mean” (the entire article)

    Translation: I’m literally better than everyone, most men wish they could have me, the ones who do are the elite, and every time a man looks at me, he’s obviously trying to get in my pants because I am just that desirable, but seriously he wishes.