What The Walk Of Shame Is Actually Like: Expectations Vs. Reality

If you are a person who does not exclusively has sexual relations within the confines of a monogamous relationship, including marriage, you have likely experienced the fascinating glory that is the one night stand. Should this indeed be the case, you have also likely experienced the dreaded–yet oddly endeared–”walk of shame.”

Urban Dictionary defines the walk of shame as follows:

the walk across campus in the same clothes as yesterday after you slept with someone and spent the night in their dorm room

And also this PG-13 version of the same concept but with more detail:

In slightly more eloquent terms, it’s when you have stayed the evening having sexual relations with somebody at in his or her abode, then need to get home the next day and do not look so great.

Despite its infamous nature, the walk of shame is not quite as awful as one who has not experienced it makes it sound. In fact, with depictions like that of the aptly-titled and upcoming film Walk Of Shame, it’s no wonder that college freshman crumble in their boots whilst imagining that awkward fraternity row walk home in the previous night’s sequined dress. Let’s talk about what it’s actually like to do it, shall we?

1. Expectation: You are able to sneak out undetected like a whisper kitten in the night.

Reality: You two wake up at the same time due to your alarm going off at 8 AM with that horrible “Church Bells” ringtone.

2. Expectation: You wake up looking like the Bride of Frankenwine–not at all like the pretty, polished evening prior.

Reality: Chill, girl. Aside from some messy hair, you’re fine.

3. Expectation: Oh well, at least the night before was a sexy blur of moderate intoxication and happy sexy fun times, right?

Reality: The sex was profoundly “meh” due to you both being mildly intoxicated.

4. Expectation: Well, since you’re up, at least you two can exchange numbers and even plans for “next time,” right?

Reality: LOL please tell us you didn’t think this.

5. Expectation: You two exchange a quick (albeit awkward) kiss goodbye.

Reality: Don’t do that. Morning breath. Just go.

6. Expectation: You walk out of his room and there are like 18 frat boys yelling and cheering at you from the hallway as their judgmental girlfriends look on.

Reality: Nobody is awake, and if they are, you’ll exchange a quick “hello” then leave.

7. Reality: Your makeup’s dramatically smeared as you walk out the door.

Expectation: You ask to use the bathroom. You remove any excess eyeliner and mascara flakes. You’re good.

8. Expectation: You’re forced to walk home with your high heels in hand and bandage dress hiked up.

Reality: You wore the heels the night before, so you can probably bear to wear them another 10 minutes. Or just take ‘em off Emma Thompson style.

9. Expectation: In a moment of stunned shock, you realize you’ve left the token pink panties in his room, which will wind up being mocked and passed around between his roommates.

Reality: It is actually very difficult to forget to put on your underwear. Also, nobody passes around underwear and if they do, that is much more embarrassing for them than you, capisce?

10. Expectation: Everyone who sees you walking knows what you’ve been up to. They’re all staring. Judging.

Reality: Nobody gives a shit what you did last night; they’re too busy Instagramming brunch.

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    • Lindsey Conklin

      hahaha the cat gif. so stealth

    • Mars

      But I thought Liz Lemon already changed this term for us…

      • Samantha Escobar

        Hell. Yes.

    • Andrea

      I just had my favorite walk of shame during my birthday las weekend in Vegas.. though it was the guy who actually had to walk back to his hotel, with my blood all over his shirt (I cut my forehead while we were fooling around..but I’m fine!) But he said he had some pretty good looks on his way back and his friends freaked out.. but I’m sure it’s not that uncommon in Vegas!

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        Bet you’re real proud of yourself too.

    • FemelleChevalier
    • Jenni

      Morning breath is God’s way of saying “DON’T DO IT GURLLLL!”

      • Samantha Escobar

        A friend of mine tried to convince me once that it just kind of goes away after a little while of making out and it made me want to fucking vomit.

      • noodlestein

        So. Much. No.

    • MCR

      I’ve never been in this situation. Thanks for making me even happier about it.

    • Elizabeth Aspen

      Anyone with an ounce of self esteem wouldn’t have a one-nighter.

      • Naomi

        Oh, grow up.

    • Lackadaisical

      The only walk of “shame” I have ever seen that looked problematic was one that involved a bus ride to get home (or wherever she was heading) after a night of clubbing in her highest heels and least comfortable of dresses. Not so much shame as inconvenient.

    • http://coffeeontheedge.wordpress.com/ Jennie

      The WORST was in college when I was an RA and I was exiting another RA’s room (in the same building) in the morning and I just happened to walk by a group of our residents. Small college = rampant rumors.

    • Alwyn

      i didn’t have a car at the time so the dude had to walk all the way back to his apartment with no shoes because he had forgotten to bring them to my place. he had also stolen a showerhead which i still have to this day.

    • Kate

      Love the Marie Antoinette gif in #3…Tyrone Power…sigh