• Fri, May 9 - 2:20 pm ET

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas Even A College Freshman Would Say No To

We’re big fans of drinking fancy cocktails ’round here, but let’s be honest: not everybody’s version of “fancy” is the same. In New York, “fancy” means “a handcrafted $16 cocktail made by an attractive man with a beard,” whereas in Syracuse (my hometown), “fancy” means “an orange slushie with cake-flavored vodka in it and an umbrella.” That is a drink that I have ordered more than once, by the way, while eating cheesy popcorn in a public place. I was not the only person doing this–the whole bar was drinking Pinnacle that night, in fact–which makes the whole thing even sadder.

So, in honor of my beloved, fancy schmancy creamsicle slushie cocktail order, I have decided to compile a little listsicle of all the flavored vodkas out there that are far more horrifying than simply tasting like a boozy cake. Grab the bed pan, folks–this one’s going to get disgusting.

1. Wasabi

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

This flavor will presumably ruin your mouth and everything you’ve ever wanted to eat thereafter, just like real wasabi.

2. Pickle

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Perhaps I’m biased because I think pickles are one of the single worst items to exist on this here Earth thing, but this “Chilled Dills” vodka just sounds horrible in every single way.

3. Fresh Cut Grass

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Yes, this is really a thing. I am serious.

4. Coconut Water

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

“Hang on a moment, Sam,” I hear you rationally quip towards your laptop screen, “I enjoy coconut water and vodka–what’s not to like here?” But sometimes, two arguably wonderful things do not make a single, compounded wonderful thing. Actually, that is usually if not always the case when it comes to flavored vodkas.

 

5. Cookie Dough

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

I once brought this while on a lovely, scenic trip in Maine. To this day, it is the only bottle of alcohol I have ever deliberately poured down the drain.

6. Fruit Loops

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

You wouldn’t put vodka on your cereal, would you? No. Because that’s effing crazy.

7. Cinnabon Vodka

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

So you can feel like you’re experiencing the two best/worst things about the airport all at once!

8. Purple

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

WTF IS PURPLE VODKA. Or “purple” as a flavor, in general. Is that like blue raspberry except they didn’t even feel like making up an imaginary-yet-oddly-standardized fruit?

9. Bacon

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

I, too, jumped on the bacon craze a few years ago. I jumped off it upon hearing of bacon vodka–spelled “Bakon Vodka”–just once.

10. PB&J

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Just like mom used to make it, if your mom was a 23-year-old SAE fifth year senior.

11. Cotton Candy

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Pinnacle’s “County Fair Cotton” flavor sounds like a concoction created by a resentful carnie on the last day of the state fair.

12. Fluffed & Whipped

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

It’s always good to have a choice between bad and awful.

13. Root Beer

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Root beer in and of itself is a delightful carbonated beverage. It is simply uncalled for the desecrate it in this manner.

14. Glazed Donut

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

Donuts are one of my favorite desserts on the planet. I’m just unsure I would want it in any cocktail or shot glass ever.

15. Wedding Cake Vodka

15 Disgusting Flavored Vodkas You Won't Believe Exist

If you plan on serving this at your wedding, you deserve to be alone forever.

To be fair, taking one shot of this shit won’t kill you, nor will you develop Fruit Loop-flavored acid reflux for the rest of your sad, drunken days. Might as well take a step back to your freshman year of college and down a little bit of these cutesy, colorful boozes, right? Just don’t be bitter when your vom tastes like “purple.”

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  • Lindsey Conklin

    hahaha okay. pickle makes me want to vomit. also, I’ve tried Loopy and it’s disgusting. As is Bakon. But I gotta be honest, I love Pinnacle Whipped, so I’d probably really enjoy the cookie dough and the cinnabon

  • Hayley Hoover

    Idk man, I have a feeling that cut grass could be pretty good.

  • Alicia Brooke

    Much of that seems incredibly close to marketing booze to children.

  • emilykwells2188

    Cake vodka is delicious, so I don’t see why wedding cake vodka would be gross… A lot of people chase vodka shots with pickle juice (it’s actually a thing) so the pickle vodka isn’t that weird and would probably be good in a Bloody Mary. Fruit Loop vodka, when combined with Rumchata, actually makes a delicious shot. The only two that seem truly weird are Wasabi and Fresh Cut Grass…

  • Andrea

    Real talk – That Bakon vodka is AWESOME in a bloody mary

  • FemelleChevalier

    Nothing, not even bad-tasting booze, will stop me from drinking and getting wasted.
    http://www.survivingcollege.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/I-want-all-the-alcohol-gif.gif

    On a serious note, these aren’t all bad. Although I’m a tad curious about the wasabi-flavored one. I actually like wasabi, and I want to try eating sushi/sashimi with a shot of that.

    • Char

      +1000 internet points for the Nene GIF.

    • FemelleChevalier

      I aim to please. :)

  • CaseyDia22

    mix some of that loopy with some sprite and thank me in the morning. :)

  • CMJ

    I saw one that was “Imitation Whipped Cream” Vodka. NOT EVEN REGULAR. IMITATION.

  • Jessica

    Whipped cream vodka mixed with orange soda tastes like orange creamsicle and it’s amazing!

  • SunVegPup

    Wasabi and pickle is delish. Similar to horseradish vodka, which they serve @ Russian places. Yum.

  • Lizzy

    The other day I was at the liquor store and damn near bought the UV Siriacha vodka just to say I had (if I find it in the tiny 50mL bottles, it’s happening).

    The only one of these specific ones I’ve had is the Wedding Cake one and it was pretty awful, but that was more by virtue of it being Pearl brand than because of the flavoring. However, if you really like cucumber, their cucumber flavored vodka tastes EXACTLY like taking a bite out of one.

  • Dusty

    Purple tastes like Grape Koolaid. It was quite delicious.

  • Karen

    If you think college freshmen will turn down even the most disgusting vodka out there, you are wrong. With Popov’s and Kamchatka as my witness.
    Also, whipped cream vodka mixed with Sprite tastes like clouds! Or maybe I was just drunk and thought it did.

  • Michelle

    Pickle vodka sounds like it would be excellent in a caesar…

    I tried bacon vodka once, it’s disgusting. tastes like fake bacon bits were soaked in vodka and then you drink it. bleh.

    the rest however…sound yummy and like they’d be awesome in jello shots!

  • kitta

    The PB&J mixed with Dr. Pepper is yummy and the Glazed Donut mixed with root beer is too!

  • BubbaT

    You forgot the absolute two worst flavors, Ivanabitch Tobacco and Menthol Tobacco.