Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts, As One Does For The World Cup

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Having grown up with a professional soccer coach from Peru as my dad, I have always spent a lot of time playing and watching soccer. I was on multiple teams, I played at my school, I watched my brother play all over the country on various teams–oh, and I was about four or five years younger than his teammates, on whom I had many a crush. Naturally (and this will make my dad totally tsk tsk me), I have therefore always found soccer players more attractive than any other athletes and still do. Enter: The US Men’s Soccer Team, who will be playing Germany at noon today.

One thing that will always reign true about soccer players: they have the greatest hair. With their dreadlocks, headbands, and Cristiano Ronaldo‘s zig-zag haircut for a fan with cancer, the folks who play futbol are A+ in the coif department. Let’s celebrate the US Men’s Soccer Team’s starting roster by high-fiving their hair, player by player. You can even use our easy interpretative guide from last week on them!

12. Michael Bradley, Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

While I am down with the simple shaved head look and find it cute in a Captain Picard kind of way, I still see it as a bit boring, which is why Bradley and Beasley are at the bottom here.

11. Alejandro Bedoya, Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Look, if we were ranking by “epic jawlines,” then I think we all know Bedoya would win that game. However, despite by affinity for well-defined bone structures, I am not super keen on his neither-here-nor-there style.

10. DaMarcus Beasley, Defender

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Christopher Lee/Getty Images

Like I said, I have a soft spot for shaved heads, and Beasley’s is no exception. Still, I am more inclined towards more exciting ‘dos, thus the reason behind Beasley not being at the top even though I’ve fancied him for, oh, ten years.

9. Matt Besler, Defender

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Besler’s got that kind of haircut I would have been so. into. back in elementary school. I can’t tell if this makes him more or less attractive, but regardless, it does make him adorable, like a 2014 version of JC Chasez.

8. Fabian Johnson, Defender

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Not only is Fabian Johnson a total BAMF on the field, let’s also give him a round of applause for managing to look really, really good despite having an injury on his face anda spot of five o’clock shadow. That is no easy task, my friends. He’s got a good, practical haircut that works well for him.

7. Graham Zusi, Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Due to Jozy Altidore’s injury, Graham Zusi wound up starting in the USA vs. Portugal match. He is the Taylor Kitsch/Tim Riggins of the US Men’s Soccer Team.

6. Clint Dempsey, Attacking Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Clint Dempsey is one of those people who would look silly with long hair. His short-but-not-shaved cut is perfect, especially when paired with his infamous scowl. If he were born 200 years ago, he would have made an excellent cowboy.

5. Jozy Altidore, Forward

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

While Altidore had to be carried away due to a pulled hamstring in the Ghana match and was unable to play during the Portugal battle, there’s no arguing that the guy is amazing. And his hair? Super crisp.

4. Kyle Beckerman, Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

I love Kyle Beckerman’s effing hair. It looks glorious trailing behind him as he runs around, like Spiderman’s previous webs as he jumps from building to building. That actually sounds kind of unflattering, but regardless, I love this dude’s dreads. Plus, I’m a sucker for headbands on long-haired men, so be still my beating heart.

3. Geoff Cameron, Defender

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Geoff Cameron has got great hair, folks. He’s well-groomed, but not to a Ronaldo-esque extent, and I bet he’s one of those guys who gets upset when he has to throw away products over 3 oz. at the airport. His eyebrows are the Cara Delevingne of soccer.

2. Tim Howard, Goalie

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Tim Howard’s got one of the best beards in the business. He simultaneously kills it at being an amazing goalie while simultaneously proving that the bald-on-top-beard-on-bottom look can be very attractive. If this team were a large band in Portland, he would be the banjo player.

1. Jermaine Jones, Midfielder

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

This. Is. The hair. This is the perfect soccer player hair. It’s an excellent length, it’s neat yet flowing, it’s got tons of volume and movement–it’s the best. Also, his facial expression is the best.

Ranking The US Men’s Soccer Team By Their Haircuts

Photo: Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

It is also the only soul patch I’ve ever forgiven in my entire life.

Share This Post:
    • Heather C

      Geoff would be #1 if this was an eyebrow battle. Those brows are IMMACULATE.

      • Samantha Escobar

        Oh god yes. In four years, I shall return and rank brows.

    • Charmless

      “If this team were a large band in Portland, he would be the banjo player.”

      *slow clap*

    • Jen W.

      Not for nothing, but WorldHairCup.com is pretty awesome.

    • Gigi

      Sorry, but only Clint Dempsey looks like a real footballer. (Yes, I’m from Europe.) And since my team has already eliminated, go Team USA – no matter, how ridiculous their hair styles are :)

      • Samantha Escobar

        Hehe, he and his scowl are rather charming. I’m actually rooting for Argentina but shhh.