What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About You

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouTime after time, when people are surveyed on the words they despise most, they respond with the word “panties.” (And “moist,” but let’s not even get started on that right now.) Many of the women I know instantly get turned off when they hear this word coming out of a prospective partner’s mouth, as it signifies something…distasteful. Unpleasant. Perhaps a little eerie. This got us thinking–what do the other names for underwear say about our personalities?

Underwear

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou’re a straightforward person who doesn’t beat around the bush. When people ask you if they look good in an outfit, you tell them the truth but are never a jerk about it. (Well, sometimes you sound like a jerk about it, but it’s never intentional.) Your favorite lipstick is a long-wearing shade of the perfect red that you’ve been using for years. When people post too many selfies to Instagram, you can’t help but look down on them. You would make a terrible real estate agent in New York, as you’re the type who would never call Bushwick “East Williamsburg.”

Undergarments

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou prefer the term “underarm” over “armpit,” as you find the latter to be crass. You wanted to try a crop top back in 2012, but waited until 2014 when everybody else finally had them. You’re proficient in two or more languages, occasionally surprising your friends with your impeccable accent by whipping it out while giving directions to a tourist. Even though you love champagne, you almost always regret drinking seven glasses of it the next day. On at least one occasion, you have eaten an entire pizza while watching Netflix. When you were in middle school, you made sure all your friends felt included on your AIM profile.

Panties, Pt. 1

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou might be a sociopath. You are the tinted window van of human beings. When people ask you what your favorite movie is, you invariably answer American Psycho and then give a wink while humming “Hip To Be Square.” In the morning, you put on a sock, then a shoe, then the other sock, then the other shoe. None of your friends have ever been to your apartment, yet you keep it immaculate.

Panties, Pt. 2

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouEvery time Victoria’s Secret’s “5 for $26″ sale turns into a “7 for $26″ sale, you lose your shit. You call your friends “babe,” even when they have hinted at resenting the pet name several times. When describing yourself, you say you’re a “Carrie crossed with a Samantha, but a Charlotte in relationships!” Speaking of exclamation points, you use a lot of them in texts and get upset when others don’t. You have an entirely separate app dedicated to editing selfies for Instagram. When you first meet somebody, it only takes about 20 minutes for you to start pitching them your semi-autobiographical fiction with a pun in the title.

Granny Panties

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYour sense of humor is slightly abrasive, but most of your friends and OKCupid dates find that charming. When you’re on public transportation, you always give up your seat to the elderly, pregnant, or those who have disabilities, but never make a big deal out of it. You can say dirty things in at least five languages. You don’t fully understand vegetarianism.

Delicates

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouWhen you were a child, you were excellent at bubble letters and occasionally pondered a career in calligraphy. You’re the type of roommate who writes Post-It notes with smiley faces, even when the message is incredibly passive-aggressive. At fast food restaurants, you are the only one who orders a salad. Your definition of “letting loose” is drinking two and a half glasses of pinot gris at a bar downtown, and your favorite Instagram filter is Hudson. You probably studied abroad in France, maybe Italy. Dirty talk makes you uncomfortable.

Skivvies

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou’re a pirate, or at least want to be. When you were in high school, you wore pinstripe suit jackets over Hot Topic shirts that said phrases like, “The clowns keep telling me to eat the cookies.”

Underroos

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou don’t see being naked as an inherently sexual thing. Rather, you are much more inclined to see it as something one does around the house whilst blasting 80s rock and wearing sunglasses. Did I mention you might be Tom Cruise?

Knickers

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou yearn for days past, mostly because you are addicted to Downton Abbey. Netflix has an entire section of recommendations for you titled, “Late 1800s British Period Dramas Starring Kate Winslet.” You keep trying to master fingerwaves, but always give up after the upteenth step in the Pinterest tutorial.

Underpants

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou often pronounce the above term as “undapaaants.” When texting, you sometimes write entire stories using emojis. As a child, you most related to Little Pete on the eponymous Pete & Pete, then eventually felt the same about Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World. You regularly Snapchat your friends photos of anything that vaguely resembles a penis. IPAs are the only type of beer you’re into…at least in public. You have fiercely loyal friends which is great because you keep needing them to post your bail. You have no idea what Etsy is.

Small Clothes

What The Name You Call Your Underwear Says About YouYou are a character on Game of Thrones.

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    • SDC

      Chonies! I only say chonies.

      • Mars

        Same! But sometimes I shorten it to chone’s.

      • katherinedbatista

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      • Ellen W.

        I had never even heard of this before. I’m not going to start using it because “underwear” is too firmly wired into my vocabulary. Unless I’m actually doing laundry at which point they are “dedicates” because that’s a laundry term.

      • Samantha Escobar

        I have never heard this term before! So, what is says about you =

        Chonies: You know more words for “underwear” than the writer of this piece. :( She is a little jealous now and had to look up chonies on Urban Dictionary.

    • Alana Vincenza

      Was “beat around the bush” an intentional pun? Because it’s perfect.

      • Samantha Escobar

        No but now I’m glad somebody pointed it out :D

    • Lily Savage

      The word “panties” makes my skin crawl, total sociopath word.

      • Ellen W.

        Or a Mom word. At least when my Mom says it she’s being very precise, she means panties as in, not tap pants, not briefs, not boy shorts.

      • Isana Leshchinskaya

        first thing that always comes to mind: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNDqJ_vDU_8

      • Samantha Escobar

        Omg.

    • spanky_mouse

      What about Chonies??

    • Heather C

      I guarantee there are GoT fans out there trying to make calling their underwear “small clothes” a thing.

    • Virginia A. Vickery

      you forgot “umentionables” teehee

    • Charmless

      If you call them “ginch”, you’re my dad.

    • Mouche Bonneau

      What about people who go commando…

    • Saturnina

      “In the morning, you put on a sock, then a shoe, then the other sock, then the other shoe.”

      I laughed so hard at this.

    • Natalie

      underwear or gunchies! Like the German/Polish/Pittsburgh grandma I am.
      When a guy says panties to me, I vomit in my mouth.

    • D

      Agreed with “chonies” and “chones”. But I guess what that says about you depends on whether you call sandals “flip flops” or “chanclas”.

    • Alexandra Mitchell

      Nether garments!

    • CW

      What about “undies”?