This morning, I woke up, walked to the bathroom, and began to brush my teeth. Well, I was about to begin brushing my teeth until I felt a thin but noticeable presence graze my lips. I cringed upon the inevitable realization that, yes, there was a hair on my toothbrush. Though it was probably my own, especially since I have a hard plastic cover over it when it is not in use, it still repulsed me enough to toss the toothbrush away and get another one. Always have extra toothbrushes, my friends.
Basically, what I’m saying is that hair off your head is disgusting in every single way. In some places, it is more disgusting than others–especially if you are absurdly neurotic, as I often am. Here are the worst, ranked by cringe factor.
1. Sitting on your drain.
A normal place, sure, but it is still gross to look at.
2. Clogging your drain after nobody’s cleaned it out in four months.
It’s having a party down in the pipes, just taking your faucet’s water and throwing it back up there all gross.
3. Spread out on the shower wall.
There that hair is, just chilling with a whole bunch of its friends on your shower wall. Everybody with thick hair has stuck theirs to the wall to avoid clogging the drain, but it’s gross to leave it up there.
4. Hanging out a public restroom’s toilet.
Nobody expects much from a public toilet, but this is still unpleasant to see right before you settle down to pee.
5. Wrapped around your soap.
Technically, it is clean. Logically, it will not hurt you. Realistically, it is worse than Freddy Krueger and the word “moist” combined.
Also, I know this GIF is not related to hair at all but WTF.
6. Laying on a shelf in your fridge.
Sure, it’s not touching any of your food at this moment, but long after you remove it, you still refuse to put anything in that spot for 48 hours.
7. Sitting on a plate or bowl that you were about to use.
And now this one needs to go into the dishwasher forever.
8. Garnishing your pizza.
It’s like pepperoni, except in every single way.
9. Kicking it in your underwear.
Don’t you dare lie to me and say this has never happened to you.
10. Poking out of a sandwich you’ve already eaten half of.
Hey, at least you can open it up and check for more, right?
11. Laying in your salad.
See, now you have to chuck the entire thing out. Unlike the sandwich, it is very difficult to open up a salad and determine if there are anymore outlaw strands.
P.S. The Outlaw Strands is my new band post-punk name.
12. Posing on the edge of your cup.
There it is, taunting you. And in spite of your thirst, you now cannot bring yourself to use that stupid cup.
13. Clinging to your toothbrush.
First of all, how dare you?
14. Sitting on somebody you’re talking to.
Though this may not be the most personally gross, it does lead to a moral struggle: do you remove the hair that is bothering your eyes so or do you leave it and continue to pretend you’re a sane person?
15. Sitting on somebody you’re talking to and you know it’s your hair.
Hey, you recognize that hair. You’ve seen it around the neighborhood known as Your Head–it belongs to you. You must get it back before the other party realizes you are shedding everywhere. You want to remove it from their shoulder, but that’s really awkward. You want to point it out, but you’re at work and that’s weird and you can’t just reach over there to do that.
By the way, my hair is on you RIGHT NOW.
16. The inside of your mouth, and you now have to pull it out.
It slithers out and almost tickles your tongue, but the bad kind of tickle. The kind that comes from evil clowns and that moment you realize a spider is on your leg.
In conclusion, stray hairs are evil and we should all shave our heads. I smell a Spring/Summer 2015 trend, guys!