Everybody goes through puberty. We have all dealt with the surprise forehead zits, the voice cracks, the chapped lips you’re unaware of until somebody you’re making out with points them out…you know, the fun stuff about the, uh, best days of our lives. Except for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sure, they’re mutants and ninjas and can be seen hanging out with Megan Fox in their new movie, but they never seemed to deal with the real issues of your teen years. And for that, I and my 15-year-old self resent them a little.
Here is the tough stuff the Turtles should have been going through, because even mutated reptiles capable of martial arts need to know what it’s like to walk through the mall with your mom and see your crush. Or perhaps they did experience all of these things–but they were top secret. Top secret plot additions that were way too awkward to put in a kids’ cartoon.
Sure, they eat pizza, but [insert pizza pun worthy of a dad joke]. Can’t you see Michelangelo becoming the newest face of ProActiv?
2. Having your voice crack during an attempt to flirt.
“Oh, hey Michelle, would you like to go-OH-o to prom?” Michelle might answer as soon as she finishes giggling, but as of yet, she cannot stop.
3. Getting the sad, dirty-looking whispers of a mustache.
On the bright side, turtles can’t grow goatees. On the less bright side, humans regularly do and we should chastise them for that.
4. Getting a boner in gym class.
The male equivalent of getting your period in those cute white Delias pants during lunch.
5. Your parents calling your friends while you’re at a party “just to check in.”
If you didn’t have super protective parents, you may not relate to this, but this writer will never forget the sting of having her mother call her friend-that-will-hopefully-be-more-someday “just to make sure nobody’s doing anything irresponsible.” (Something I’m pretty sure I’ll wind up doing to my kids.)
6. Greasy skin and hair.
One year, you’re all smooth sailing; the next year, your hair and skin seem to be producing enough oil that Texas tycoons have started bidding wars on your face.
7. The Talk.
If nobody ever gave the Turtles a straightforward talk, one can only imagine what Raphael and the rest think sex actually includes, let alone reproduction. Then again, they were hatched, so there’s probably less to discuss.
8. Your clothes being too small every three months.
It’s like you’re a toddler all over again, except now when your pants are too short, about eight people point it out before first period.
9. Being the last kid to have his balls drop.
Am I the only female who had no idea what this meant as a kid? I knew that guys waited for it to happen the way we waited for our periods, but I had no clue WTF it encompassed.
10. Too much body odor.
While turtles probably do not smell great as is, before they realize they should be trying out some Old Spice and the like, they reek.
11. Too much body spray.
12. Slow dancing and having no idea where to put your hands.
I still hate “I Can Be Your Hero” by Enrique Iglesias for this reason.
13. Your parents walking in on your unseemly activities.
Whether you’re making out and doing some awkward groping or just watching porn on your own, one of the single most awkward things that can happen to you is your parents walking through the door.