Do you see that GIF of Charlotte York, Carrie Bradshaw, Miranda Hobbs, and Samantha Jones? Do you see how confused they all look? That is the exact look I have on my face whenever I sit down to watch a rerun of Sex and the City. Don’t get me wrong—I like the show, and I’ve been a fan for a good 10 years now, but I find it nearly impossible to watch even five minutes of Carrie et al’s antics without feeling like my blood pressure has skyrocketed into oblivion. In fact, whenever I watch an episode of Sex and the City, I have to resist the urge to start screaming the following 30 things at my TV:
1. Why must you squeal all of the time, Carrie? You are an adult who can’t stop squealing. It’s not OK, and it needs to stop.
2. For the love of God, Carrie, farting in front of your boyfriend is not that big of a deal.
3. For goodness sake, Charlotte, maybe you’re not mature enough to be having sex if the sight of an uncircumcised penis terrifies you!
4. Are we really supposed to believe that Charlotte and Samantha would actually be friends in real life? Could they even have a conversation with each other without Miranda and Carrie present?
5. Miranda, girl, you need to tell all of these women off. Every single one of them.
6. Am I seeing this right? Is Carrie actually getting mad at Charlotte for not giving her thousands of dollars to buy her apartment? This cannot be happening.
7. Is Carrie seriously storming out of Bungalow 8 because her friend dared to pay attention to someone else for one minute? How does this woman have friends at all?
8. Miranda, next time maybe try to not scream at the person who just told you about their testicular cancer diagnosis? Maybe try that?
9. Yes, Samantha, you do see color, and saying otherwise is not OK.
10. Carrie, you’re staying at a cabin in the woods. What would possess you to wear stilettos while staying at a cabin in the woods?!
11. Speaking of said cabin, do not invite Big to join you and Aidan there!
12. There are hundreds of thousands of single men in New York, Samantha, and you decide to stalk a priest? Really? Leave the man alone!
13. OK, so are those publishers really just taking Carrie’s old columns and throwing them together to make a book? Is there no new content in this book at all? Is Carrie really that prolific of a writer? I DON’T THINK SO.
14. Did Carrie actually just ditch her super sweet Parisian fans to spend the night being completely ignored by Aleksandr Petrovsky? Girl, no.
15. Oh, the puns. Oh, the silly, silly puns. Have Carrie and Big ever had conversation that didn’t involve puns?!
16. What are you doing, Charlotte?! Do not quit your amazing gallery job! Stop, stop, stop!
17. BISEXUAL PEOPLE ARE REAL. FULL STOP.
18. Miranda, you feminist queen! You tell that sandwich where to go!
19. Please stop saying “lovah,” Carrie. PLEASE.
20. Oh, for the love of God, Carrie, let Natasha eat her lunch in peace!
21. So let me get this straight: Carrie writes one article a week, and she manages to afford an enormous apartment in Manhattan and dozens of pairs of Manolo Blahniks? This is completely impossible, even in the ’90s.
22. Run, Aidan, run! You are far too good and pure for this mess!
23. Oh, and speaking of Aidan: YOU DON’T HAVE TO FORGIVE HER.
24. For the love of God, Samantha, just hold Smith’s hand! Because if you don’t, I will!
25. Is Carrie actually going to Big’s ex-wife’s office just to scope her out? Stop.
26. Please stop saying the word “tranny,” Samantha. Please stop.
27. Why are you obsessed with a man who calls you “kid” and treats you like one too? Why, Carrie, why?!
28. Bunny MacDougal, STOP.
29. Watching Charlotte reminisce about her horse Taddy is making me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
30. Carrie, STOP SQUEALING.