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The Misanthropologist: What Singles Can Do With a ‘Couples Vibrator’

The Misanthropologist: What Singles Can Do With a 'Couples Vibrator'
1.%20Chopsticks
2.%20Mouth%20Guard
3.%20Ineffective%20Staple%20Remover
4.%20Equipment%20in%20a%20game%20of%20Sex%20Toy%20Horsehoes
5.%20Wine%20Tag

I wanted to entitle this piece, “We Be Vibin’: Things To Do With Your Couples Vibrator If No One Will Fuck You,” but that struck me as wordy. …Anyway, no one will fuck me. Which is why I took it as kind of a devastating blow when the usually nice people at WeVibe (don’t click that, it’s a goddamn vibrator site) sent The Gloss a WeVibe and The Gloss ladies–possessed of a cruel and vociferous wit all–forwarded it along to me. More »

The Misanthropologist: Breaking Up is Rad To Do

The Misanthropologist: Breaking Up is Rad To Do

I’m one of those people who likes being in relationships, mostly because I’m lazy and self-indulgent. By “relationships,” I don’t mean “enter into some kind of agreement with another person to make them happy as long they make me happy,” I really just mean “finding someone who will eat takeout in bed with me.” That’s where all relationships head before they die. All of them end with you becoming fat and distant and resenting each other (fat from the takeout, resentful of spilling it) so you might as well just have fun doing it while you still desire each other sexually. …But you know what I love even more than relationships? More »

The Misanthropologist: Reasons I Want a Dick

The Misanthropologist: Reasons I Want a Dick

I’m really stressed out. A few days ago, my roommate told me how I missed a really great prank he was trying to pull on me. He thought I was taking a morning shower (unusual, because the Misanthropologist refuses to bathe until concerned citizens herd me into shower stalls with broomsticks and tennis rackets). In full view of the bathroom, he waited in the doorway to his room, having tucked his manhood between his legs More »

The Misanthropologist: Imagining Christine O’Donnell’s Halloween

The Misanthropologist: Imagining Christine O'Donnell's Halloween

This week’s Misanthropologist is all a product of my imagination because 1) I have a gallery prepared for you and 2) look, galleries take a lot of time and energy, and sitting upright is kind of a hassle when there’s all this decaying Halloween candy I found on dashboards of unlocked cars parked outside the Y (they go awesome with dumpster jello shots) (shut up). So I was thinking I should probably comment on this whole Christine O’Donnell brouhaha, only I have no clue what happened. These are the facts I know More »

The Misanthropologist: Is “Slut Face” a Thing?

The Misanthropologist: Is "Slut Face" a Thing?

So I go to this gym sometimes (to balance out the smoking and drinking and being a scumbag) but I don’t think I’m getting hotter or thinner or anything because I spend most of my time there just standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors while sobbing (don’t tears weigh anything?). Anyway, there’s this one girl who’s always there. She’s kind of nondescript: white, a little bit tan, long-ish straight-ish blonde-ish hair, pretty fit, somewhere in her late teens or early twenties, neither bad nor great skin. Now, there are plenty of people at my gym, especially some great freaks (like the guy who wears nothing but shorts and fingerless gloves on the treadmill!) so why am I always noticing this one girl? More »

The Misanthropologist: Lines You Won’t Cross

The Misanthropologist: Lines You Won't Cross

In thinking about this week’s Misanthropologist, I thought it might be interesting to talk to some sexually active friends living in New York and ask them if there was a line they wouldn’t cross in bed. I assumed everybody’s got their something: some act that just seems too gross, too weird, too base, too demeaning. Further, even if you do occasionally participate in this one act for, say, the sake of your partner, are its bad qualities just too distracting for you to get off? More »

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