- Your decision to stop talking to Devon even though the two of you promised you would try to stay friends
- The military policies of the state of Israel
- Single moms More
Author Archives: Mallory Ortberg
What do men drink? They drink Coke Zero, but you have to be very careful with them about it. Sometimes they forget they’re allowed to have some. Put a man alone in a room with a Coke Zero and he’ll die of thirst.
“I don’t think I’m allowed to drink that,” he’ll announce quietly to the silent room. “I think – I think this is that drink, that drink for women, the one that they have. Excuse me? Excuse me? Hello? I need – I need a drink for men, please. Please. I need a drink for me, for my male throat.” More
INT. WHITE ROOM
MARY (a serene-looking woman of about 40)
faces the camera.
This is Christina.
A picture of CHRISTINE (young, smiling woman)
fills the screen.
Three years ago, Christina was
diagnosed with a rare form of
blood cancer. Doctors gave her
only months to live. Then she
found St. James Hospital.
A picture of an impressively modern hospital. Sleek. More
Women who code
Women who run with the wolves
Women who love too much
Women who kill
Women who age well
Women who are players
Women who act like men
Women who ask for money
Women who attract gay men
Women who are amazing in bed More
Jen’s wedding colors will be turquoise, being a good sport, and “Lean In,” Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s new book.
Guests who are unable to demonstrate their ability to “have it all” will be turned away at the door.
Each member of the bridal party will be given a rescue dog; if they already have a rescue dog, their rescue dog will be given a seeing-eye dog. More
Austin’s annual music & film festival South by SouthWest hasn’t historically provided the most welcoming environment for women, but that’s beginning to change. Several panels this year focus on issues facing female journalists, and so far no startups have been reduced to hiring women to attend their parties yet. Here are a few of the things the women of SXSW are up to this year.
Red wine can definitely fight the effects of aging.
Red wine will clear up your acne, but it will replace the acne with migraines.
Red wine will enable you to “have it all” but it will give your children autism. If your children already have autism, it will give them a peanut allergy. If your children already have a peanut allergy, it will turn them into human-sized dragonflies.
Red wine is the winning taste in the 2013 Do Us a Flavor Lay’s Potato Chip flavor contest. More
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According to the Sarasota Dolphin Research Program, dolphins not only refer to each other by specific “abstract names,” but they also pattern their whistles after their friends, just like we do in college when we’re not sure what identity to have yet and the girl down the hall seems to have everything figured out so why not just do that. More
If you have been looking for a way to use your cosmetology and mortician’s licenses lately, why not try your hand at being a mortuary makeup artist? Here are a few tips from some of the best funeral home cosmetology blogs we could find. More
Some revelations defy introduction or context:
In a bizarre interview with ABC News, the one American who has spent significant time with North Koran leader Kim Jong Eun — former NBA star Dennis Rodman — said Sunday that he considers the human rights violator his “friend.”
“He’s a good guy to me. He’s my friend,” Rodman said. “I don’t condone what he does, but as a person to person, he’s my friend.”
Join my network on LinkedIn – This is a perfunctory request from someone who never liked you, but likes to keep tabs on you. You have no idea how strongly this person dislikes you; you think of this person as a friend you’ve simply fallen out of touch with. You have never been good at accurately categorizing how other people feel about you. More