Author Archives: Mallory Ortberg

Coke For Men

Coke For Men

What do men drink? They drink Coke Zero, but you have to be very careful with them about it. Sometimes they forget they’re allowed to have some. Put a man alone in a room with a Coke Zero and he’ll die of thirst.

“I don’t think I’m allowed to drink that,” he’ll announce quietly to the silent room. “I think – I think this is that drink, that drink for women, the one that they have. Excuse me? Excuse me? Hello? I need – I need a drink for men, please. Please. I need a drink for me, for my male throat.” More »

A Message From St. James Hospital

A Message From St. James Hospital

INT. WHITE ROOM

MARY (a serene-looking woman of about 40)
faces the camera.

MARY
This is Christina.

A picture of CHRISTINE (young, smiling woman)
fills the screen.

MARY
Three years ago, Christina was
diagnosed with a rare form of
blood cancer. Doctors gave her
only months to live. Then she
found St. James Hospital.

A picture of an impressively modern hospital. Sleek. More »

Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Details

Jennifer Aniston's Wedding Details

Jen’s wedding colors will be turquoise, being a good sport, and “Lean In,” Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s new book.

Guests who are unable to demonstrate their ability to “have it all” will be turned away at the door.

Each member of the bridal party will be given a rescue dog; if they already have a rescue dog, their rescue dog will be given a seeing-eye dog. More »

What Red Wine Can Do

What Red Wine Can Do

Red wine can definitely fight the effects of aging.

Red wine will clear up your acne, but it will replace the acne with migraines.

Red wine will enable you to “have it all” but it will give your children autism. If your children already have autism, it will give them a peanut allergy. If your children already have a peanut allergy, it will turn them into human-sized dragonflies.

Red wine is the winning taste in the 2013 Do Us a Flavor Lay’s Potato Chip flavor contest. More »

Kim Jong Eun And Dennis Rodman, Best Friends Forever

Kim Jong Eun And Dennis Rodman, Best Friends Forever

Some revelations defy introduction or context:

In a bizarre interview with ABC News, the one American who has spent significant time with North Koran leader Kim Jong Eun — former NBA star Dennis Rodman — said Sunday that he considers the human rights violator his “friend.”

“He’s a good guy to me. He’s my friend,” Rodman said. “I don’t condone what he does, but as a person to person, he’s my friend.”

More »