Congratulations. You are a true Woman of Merit and Courage. You have passed through the Fires of Understanding; you have hewn your way through the Elaborate Hedge Maze of Adversity. You have truly proven yourself to be an Exemplary Member of your sex. We commend you for your bravery, your fortitude, and your ability to just be chill and not make a big deal out of things, you know? You’re just laid back. Which we on the Gender Committee really appreciate.
You have undergone many trials in the last year, and lost many friends. They were lesser beings. They perished, and rightly so, as they could not hang with us. You, however – you are capable of hanging, and as a reward for your efforts you shall be granted the highest prize available to a woman of your caliber.
Your prize is Hanging Out With Dudes. More
It’s finally happened. After years of disappointment – the hot sauce postal campaign! The Save Our Bluths parties! The Firefly letter-writing! – the real thing, at last. You’ve found a television show that will last forever, just as God and nature intended. More
In every horror movie, the question that I find hardest to answer is Why are the main characters not committing group suicide? Is the ratio of heroes to normal people really that high? At what point does an existence that consists largely of fleeing in terror, fashioning makeshift tourniquets, and hiding breathlessly in the ark from slavering murderers kind of just…not seem worth it? More
INT. DAY. GYM.
Assorted WOMEN in workout clothes climb stepping machines in the background. A LUNKHEAD benches carefully in the free weights area. A class of PILATES ENTHUSIASTS unrolls their mats as a smiling YOUNG WOMAN steps into view and addresses the camera.
Welcome to Ironside Fitness.
She walks past a middle-aged woman concentrating on a set of lat pulldowns and gives her a high-five. More
Once there was a girl who lived alone, but she was not as alone as she wanted to be. She lived in the heart of a city, a middling city, a city of no great importance by the sea, and every day she walked through crowds and against crowds and around crowds, and heard the people’s conversations, and smelled their trash, and saw their children, and waited politely for their cars to pass before crossing the street.
So she took herself and she moved further west in the city, where the streets flattened out and the sun took its time setting in the evening and there was room for her. This was better, but she was still almost never alone. There was always someone coming around the next corner, always a car idling down the street, always someone’s voice echoing from a few houses over. Someone always needed something, someone always wanted something.
Church of Christ, Babysitter
Church of Christ, Doctor of Chiropractic Medicine (DC)
Church of Christ, Doctor of Education (EdD)
Church of Christ, Master of Fine Arts (MFA)
Church of Christ, Amateur Sociologist
Church of Christ, Mountaineer
Church of Christ, Magistrate
Church of Christ, Master of Architecture
Church of Christ, Master of Advanced Study degree in American Media & Popular Culture More
There are two kinds of people [who have Twitter accounts] in this world: those who enjoy live-tweeting Big Events like the Oscars and the Superbowl, and those who do not. Here, a breakdown of the major parties and their platforms.
It’s been four months since the taping of this season of The Bachelor wrapped.
And on Friday night in a studio in Hollywood, Sean Lowe and 18 of his (rejected) women reunited to tape The Bachelor: Women Tell All episode, airing March 4 on ABC (8 p.m.).
“We should be out in 8 to 10 hours, if we’re lucky,” joked host Chris Harrison to the studio audience.
“Chris Harrison sleeps on a bed of human skin.”
`Twas chilling, and the hardcore bros
Did fest and crush it in the cave:
All lifting were the brogrammers,
And the mome frats outgrabe. More
Boyfriend big time rush
Boyfriend coupon book
Boyfriend does my makeup
Boyfriend eats all my food
Boyfriend flirts with best friend
Boyfriend girlfriend necklaces
Boyfriend has no friends
Boyfriend ignores me More
“…So that’s the kitchen. If you’ll come with me this way – just come right through the door but watch your step there, the beam comes down a little lower than it does in the rest of the house – okay, great – this is the hallway that connects the living area to the master suite. [Pause].
Oh, the sign? Yes, technically this is a Hall of Shame. No, a Hall of Shame. Past it we come into the main bedroom…Sure, of course, I’m happy to talk about it. It’s a fairly standard feature for most homes of this style in the neighborhood. Like most Halls of Shame, it acts as a general repository of all the shame, attacks of conscience, nostalgia, regret, qualms, pangs of remorse and overall dissatisfaction that the homeowner accumulates during the lease…[unintelligible] No, during the time of the lease only.
Nothing but the title: 10%. Likely inscrutable, almost certainly excessively highbrow.
A person or persons in white robes standing near a pillar: 25%. Might be worth a gamble; might be outrageously dull.
A person or persons in white robes, standing near a pillar, in front of a background with two or more moons in the sky: 80%. Almost certainly excellent. Approaches 100% if there is a cat of unusual size somewhere near the spine.
Part of a woman’s face: 5%. Almost certainly a memoir of worst kind.
Part of a woman’s face, hazily obscured: 1%.
Rippling water: 0%. -10% if there is a woman’s face visible beyond the rippling water (the 10% means I will go watch a very bad movie instead). More